Feeling upset

I struggle with like knowing what’s ocd and what isn’t. Like I think I’m fighting my ocd and I’m doing a good job not giving in, but there are some things where I’m like is this ocd or is this just me not being ocd. Also it’s hard for me when I mess up bc I want to be perfect & everytime I mess up on my ocd, I feel like I’m backtracking & stuck like this. But I’m still doing a lot better it’s just hard bc I know it never fully goes away I just want to get rid of it. But I’m better managing it it’s just tough.

It’s so crazy how even though you have been through this a million times, when a new thought pops up or an old obsession resurfaces, it feels impossible to get through. You know the tools and you recognize the feelings, and yet somehow “this one” is different. It’s more serious, more disturbing, it’s a sign of your true desires, etc, etc. Taking the risk of uncertainty is not worth it “this time”because the consequences are too severe. Every time you start to make progress on an obsession or even just part of an obsession, you think you are finally getting the hang of it…and then ocd hits you back and it’s like all the confidence and progress you were starting to feel like you were developing gets blown away and in that moment you are back at the beginning. Ocd is truly diabolical and so smart. It causes so much suffering. I am so tired of making progress or even just maintaining my current obsessions just to get smacked in the face with something “different” and somehow “worse”. It is exhausting. One thing I never considered I would need to fight ocd and use erp was stamina. I really hope everyone out there struggling with ocd is doing ok. If you have ever felt like this, just know that I am in that same place.

Does anyone else experience arguments in their head when it comes to their thoughts? I find that I'm constantly going back and forth when I have compulsions, where two sides of my brain will argue with each other. I may argue "logically" against the fears I may have, but then I'll remember some past event or something I've done in the past that will lead me to believe otherwise. It's a chaotic cycle I'm trying to deal with, but I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this/has ideas pertaining to getting out of it? It really messes with my head after a while, because I feel like the side of my brain that is telling me I'm a bad person almost always wins. Every time I try to reassure myself by addressing the fact that my thoughts are unwanted and irrational, I feel like more rational proof of me being a terrible person comes rushing into my head.