Help

I have a theme of scared of depression, scared I will get it or already have it. I know it’s not 100% the same but it’s similar so here if u need it talk

I know I’m not suicidal because when I think about if I’m suicidal I freak out and cry and wanna wrap myself up in a ball. I also link to fear of becoming depressed, so when I overthink being depressed the suicidal ocd attaches and it goes down from there. Do you constantly have thoughts about not wanting to live anymore? Up first, I thought I was having real idealizations, but then I realized that the word suicide in general scared me. I am still stuck in a what if cycle, like what if I don’t love myself and want to end my life. But a good point was brought up to me the other day. She said most people don’t just become suicidal. It happens over time and is usually the only thing someone thinks about. I also learned that suicidal ocd can sound like “I will” statements. Idk if any of that helped.

For me I’m afraid to kill myself or die but I obsessed over what if I did if my OCD told me too.

This is exactly how I’m feeling with both suicidal and existential ocd and it makes me question and doubt if I wanna die all the time and it actually makes me feel depressed which ocd then attacks and tries to tell me bc I feel this way or because ocd is making me feel this way, I’ll want to die or nothing matters. It literally makes me cry so much because I love my life so much. It’s sucks so bad. If anyone has any erp tips, please 🫶 also you are not alone 🫶