Hey, Iāve been doing some research on OCD and think I may have it. Iām not 100% sure, but I have a lot of the symptoms. I want to get myself diagnosed, but my parents wonāt let me. They agree that itās very likely that I have OCD, but they think that if I try hard enough, I can get over it. I donāt know what to do anymore or if what I have even is OCD, and I want to be somewhat sure before a I do anything.
Right now, Iām a junior in high school, but freshman year was when my āOCDā was the most severe. I think I had (and still do) the symmetry/order subtype and ājust rightā subtype. I was obsessed with writing things neatly to a point in which I kept forcing myself to erase and rewrite things until all the letters were straight and all the graphs were neatly drawn (typing wasnāt safe either because I use Notability and felt the need to align every text box and make them all the same length). Handwriting was especially a problem in calculus A, and it got to a point in which I couldnāt keep up with the notes, and the homework was taking hours a night because I was obsessed with making my work perfect. Needless to say, I didnāt get a good grade in calculus A and didnāt build a good foundation for future math classes. This makes me really sad because I was previously really good at math and had a bright future in the subject. Eventually, I just stopped trying in calculus A, but by then, I felt burnt out, couldnāt concentrate on anything, kept putting things off, and lost the ability to properly manage my time. I think it may have escalated to executive dysfunction at that point, and it carried over to all my other classes. As someone who was previously pretty productive and good at planning, this was a huge hit on my self-esteem. I was also obsessed with symmetry. If I touched one side of my body, I had to touch the other side in the exact same place. If I was coding something, I would have to evenly distribute touch across each key on the keyboard. It felt like everything was a heatmap, and the colors had to be kept in balance at all times. I also avoided odd numbers because they were considered āasymmetricalā. I was obsessed with routine and had to complete tasks in a certain way, a certain order, and a certain amount of time. Even something as small as combing my hair for five minutes instead of six caused me extreme distress. Writing one word that āsounded offā on an English paper left me unable to keep writing until I fixed it. I had to keep the sound of my phone at a certain volume (6 normally, 10 when exercising, and 12 when cleaning, divide everything by 2 when using a computer) and had to walk a round number (any number that ends in 0) of steps a day. I kid you not when I say that some days I woke up and didnāt want to live anymore. Sophomore year, my mental health improved and I probably seemed overly perfectionistic but not to a point of concern. However, this year, the handwriting issue relapsed in all its glory during physics, and Iām not able to keep up with notes or homework. I feel the same way that I did in calculus A, and I donāt want history to repeat itself. I want to ask my teacher to let me do my homework on paper rather than the iPad (itās easier for me to write on paper due to increased friction), but Iām scared to ask because I donāt have a formal diagnosis. I donāt know what causes my behavior. I feel like if I canāt do things perfectly, no one will like me. Iāll lose all my friends, and no boy will ever want to go out with me. I know itās irrational. Literally no one cares what my notes look like or how long I spend on each step of my morning routine or whatever, but I constantly feel like people are judging me and will hate me the second I mess up.
There are two more times in my life that I can think of when I displayed symptoms of OCD, contamination OCD when I was 9 and pure/religious/magical thinking/health concern OCD (they all just kind morphed together) when I was 11. I can go into more detail if you wish. As of now, I just want to know my behavior sounds like OCD, and if so, how to more forward. If not, I would love to know what I do have and how to treat it.
Thank you so much.