*EXPLICIT!!!!* Is it normal to completely loose your identity with HOCD? There's no "deep down I know I'm straight." I feel completely gay. I really think I am a lesbian in denial. I want my identity back. I've asked this before, but with ERP am I supposed to tell myself that I am gay? I don't know how else to except it. It's the only way that doesn't feel like I'm lying to myself now. It's extremely upsetting because I really don't want this to be my reality. My dad said that if I am a lesbian than I still get to choose who I'm with, but if I am then there's no reason not to be with a woman even if I don't want to be. I have to. If I'm a lesbian and I stay with my boyfriend then I'm just in denial and lying to myself and him right? I have to put myself in a box, I'm not capable of breaking societal standards for some reason as in if I'm a lesbian then I can only date women. My parents keep telling me that they don't think I'm gay, but I can do whatever. I think I'm starting to convince myself that this actually what I want. Hopefully just so I can get over the pain. I don't know anymore. I don't know how I let this turn into an actual identity crisis. It doesn't help that I have ROCD too. I think I'm going to go on the SSRI I was prescribed even though it had bad reviews. I've had OCD since I was like six years old, with multiple different things, but I keep thinking with this one what if it's different? *TMI* *TMI* *TMI* *TMI* I've watched lesbian porn in the past and have finished to it multiple times and for a while that was my go to, then I stopped watching porn altogether. I didn't have any emotional connection to it, but it worked. What if I didn't have an emotional connection because I didn't let myself? I had a fantasy about myself in a lesbian porn once, but again, back then I didn't think of it as something I really wanted in reality, infact it was testing, but I stayed aroused. I know I had fantasies about guys my whole life, but now I feel like I'm making them up. At the beginning of this I remember testing myself thinking about a girl and then switching to a boy to see if I would stay aroused, and I'd completely loose arousal with the boy. There was a lot of anxiety around this so I don't know if that's why or if it's because I'm actually gay. I really really really do not want to be a lesbian, but I read about another on quora that said she really didn't want to be gay and another girl answered by saying that she didn't want to be at first either and that in the beginning she wasn't even able to say the word "lesbian" and that she was extremely depressed in the beginning, but now she's happy. I don't want that. I don't even want to be happy and gay.

Okay first of all. Take a moment to catch your breath. These types of thoughts are normal and are basically rapid fire. Stop researching about other people and their coming out stories because it makes this condition ten times worse. I would suggest writing all of your thoughts in a journal. Like absolutely everything. No matter how hard it will be to vent. Once you do that, you can see just how out of box these thoughts are. Now try distracting yourself, talk to your family, play with your pets, go for a run, eat a good breakfast, etc. I find when I do this, I feel alot more calm and better at managing my thoughts. Try talking to your boyfriend about this. I did and he made me feel alot better because he put my thoughts into perspective and challenged me on them. Always remember that no matter how real these thoughts get. You will always be you, you may not see it right now, but the real you in just stuck in traffic right now. The anxious you is taking full control of the situation and is deliberately causing the real you to be late to reason with these thoughts. What helps me through these very anxious thoughts is saying "okay, I acknowledge these thoughts as present, and for now. I will identify neutrally with them and maybe even agree with them" and then eventually the intensity passes and I feel alot more grounded. I'm slowly learning to stop fighting these feelings and thoughts and just letting them pass through my head. It's hard asf and convincing but once you feel convinced, then your hooked back into the cycle. Goodluck :)

I COMPLETELY relate to this. It was like reading my own words. I feel awful because of this, everything related to LGBT gets me triggered. I also have this thing with lesbian porn, and also the arousal thing. That's what gets me the most. I'm so scared that once/if I have a relationship with a boy, I won't feel pleasure with him. Yesterday I woke up in the middle of the night feeling extremely distressed and with a strong urge to watch porn: completely out of the blue, it made me so anxious and depressed. I'm scared that I'm just faking my heterosexuality, even though that doesn't even make sense. Or that I'm just bi, but with preference to women. That's also terrifying. This is the worst nightmare I could be living in, this makes me dread my life everyday of the week.

I want to be happy and straight again.

I feel like I have completely lost my identity. I have no idea what I want anymore and I have no attraction towards any guy which of course is triggering. I’ve hooked up with guys here in the past few months and there and I’ve been so in my head about HOCD that I don’t enjoy it, which further triggers me and it’s a constant circle. So yes, I feel like I have no idea who I am or what I want right now, but this too shall pass, I know it!

OMGGGGGGG THIS IS LITERALLY MEEEEEEEE HELP

I couldn’t have written this better myself. These are my feelings exactly