- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
Okay first of all. Take a moment to catch your breath. These types of thoughts are normal and are basically rapid fire. Stop researching about other people and their coming out stories because it makes this condition ten times worse. I would suggest writing all of your thoughts in a journal. Like absolutely everything. No matter how hard it will be to vent. Once you do that, you can see just how out of box these thoughts are. Now try distracting yourself, talk to your family, play with your pets, go for a run, eat a good breakfast, etc. I find when I do this, I feel alot more calm and better at managing my thoughts. Try talking to your boyfriend about this. I did and he made me feel alot better because he put my thoughts into perspective and challenged me on them. Always remember that no matter how real these thoughts get. You will always be you, you may not see it right now, but the real you in just stuck in traffic right now. The anxious you is taking full control of the situation and is deliberately causing the real you to be late to reason with these thoughts. What helps me through these very anxious thoughts is saying "okay, I acknowledge these thoughts as present, and for now. I will identify neutrally with them and maybe even agree with them" and then eventually the intensity passes and I feel alot more grounded. I'm slowly learning to stop fighting these feelings and thoughts and just letting them pass through my head. It's hard asf and convincing but once you feel convinced, then your hooked back into the cycle. Goodluck :)
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you :)
- Date posted
- 5y
Oh my God, this was amazing advice! Thank you so much!!
- Date posted
- 5y
I COMPLETELY relate to this. It was like reading my own words. I feel awful because of this, everything related to LGBT gets me triggered. I also have this thing with lesbian porn, and also the arousal thing. That's what gets me the most. I'm so scared that once/if I have a relationship with a boy, I won't feel pleasure with him. Yesterday I woke up in the middle of the night feeling extremely distressed and with a strong urge to watch porn: completely out of the blue, it made me so anxious and depressed. I'm scared that I'm just faking my heterosexuality, even though that doesn't even make sense. Or that I'm just bi, but with preference to women. That's also terrifying. This is the worst nightmare I could be living in, this makes me dread my life everyday of the week.
- Date posted
- 5y
Yes, it's an absolute nightmare.
- Date posted
- 5y
The thing is I tried to be bi in the past when the HOCD was really really quiet and I never had any real connection to girls. I tried to like girls and I tried to find them attractive, but back then it didn't work and THAT felt like I was lying. Now that the HOCD is super out of hand it feels like girls are ALL I'm attracted to.
- Date posted
- 5y
I want to be happy and straight again.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y
I feel like I have completely lost my identity. I have no idea what I want anymore and I have no attraction towards any guy which of course is triggering. I’ve hooked up with guys here in the past few months and there and I’ve been so in my head about HOCD that I don’t enjoy it, which further triggers me and it’s a constant circle. So yes, I feel like I have no idea who I am or what I want right now, but this too shall pass, I know it!
- Date posted
- 5y
It will indeed pass! It's been months, in fact more than a year since I started to deal with hocd, and it comes and goes. You start to recognize when you're going back into the cycle, and it feels much more mechanical in a way after some time. You should take a step back and try to keep yourself grounded. Ocd makes us anxious, even if we don't feel it physically, and makes our minds become foggy. That's why ocd is so painful: it attacks our own identity, and it wouldn't be ocd if it wasn't convincing or hard to tell.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Lavander How are you doing? It's been a while since I've seen one of your posts and I've related to you a lot.
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 Hey! I'm sorry for taking long to answer, I wasn't notified of your message. I wouldn't say I'm good and I'm definitely not over it, but I'm doing a lot better since the beginning of this year. Now ocd comes in episodes, and even if it stills feels very real and disturbing, I kind of know how to recognize it. So you may not be seeing my posts here because I haven't been posting as much, because when I do post too much I start to seek reassurance (and that only fuels hocd). I haven't seen your posts here as well. How are you doing?
- Date posted
- 5y
OMGGGGGGG THIS IS LITERALLY MEEEEEEEE HELP
- Date posted
- 5y
Hey! I've re read this post and wow, how things have changed! It's been over 260 days, this is crazy... A few days ago I tried to write a post here to tell people about my progression but for some reason I wasn't feeling comfortable doing it. I feel like I don't have good emotions attached to making posts here, so I won't force myself. I feel like this won't be of much help, but things do get better. I never thought they would, but they do. I'm not 100% good, but it feels nice to be able to worry about other things. I barely have any ocd thoughts, not for days in a roll. I never got professional treatment, but just carried on day by day until it gradually faded in my mind. Hang in there, things do get better, even if it takes a while...
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y
I couldn’t have written this better myself. These are my feelings exactly
- Date posted
- 4y
Get treatment. It gets better :)
- Date posted
- 4y
@hateocd123 Really!!?? Does it 😭😭😭😭
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.
- Date posted
- 24w
I’ve tried accepting the uncertainty, I’ve accepted I may be gay, bi or still straight. I’ve tried doing ERP myself to the best I can. When I accept that I’m gay or bi why doesn’t my head agree and move on? Why does it still question it? I know I don’t want to be at all. I love my family. But I just want this to move on. I want to enjoy life. Why can’t I find women attractive again? (Brief moments I do). I seriously don’t understand the false attraction? I’ve tried agreeing with it but it won’t let this drop. Why am I attracted to the same sex? Why am I attracted to people I would never thought of looking at? Why does it give me such grief about this? I know I shouldn’t look at adult content but why can I only feel good watching either lesbian or females? I tried to agree with the gay but it makes me sick and horrendous I even considered this? I just want my life back.
- Date posted
- 16w
Hi, I'm new to this and it took me a long time to gather the courage to post, but I could really use some advice. This will be a long post because I don't know how not to overexplain, please bear with me. I'm yet to be diagnosed with anything, so I'm not sure if this is one of the ways OCD can present itself, but I'm really hoping it's just soocd and nothing else. I'm 22F, cis and straight all my life as far as I know, but back in April, in a particularly exhausting day, I had an intrusive thought about liking women after seeing some random post on twitter and I've been spiraling ever since, with thoughts and anxiety non-stop trying to figure out an answer. I've noticed that my thoughts have been obsessing over this in a loop, where I question if I'm a lesbian or bi (I really really don't want to be, though I have nothing against the lgbt community) > question if I'm aro/ace (also really don't want to be, I'd be super depressed if I were because that would stop me from living the life I've always dreamed of) > question if I'm simply afraid of getting in a relationship and why. It's this loop where I can't figure anything out, my brain feels like it's in the middle of a storm. Looking back, I think I might have had rocd in my last relationship because I kept messaging my boyfriend asking for reassurance if he loved me and wouldn't leave me, but the reassurance only lasted at best a day before the doubts came back and I felt the need to ask again, and this lasted for months if not years. Now I've never questioned my orientation, I just knew I was straight (always crushed on boys, craved their attention and love, male celebrities, male characters, always fantasized about having a husband and kids, never felt anything towards women that way, never considered them as partners) until this one intrusive thought caused me to spiral out of control and I've never been the same since. This in and of itself should be enough to prove to my brain that I'm straight and have always been, right? Logically it should, it makes no sense otherwise... But it's not enough, so I've been googling non-stop, been reading so many posts here that I relate to for reassurance, been reviewing my memories, ruminating all day and night, testing myself by looking at pictures of men and women to check for reactions (when I'm not avoiding looking at them altogether). Even when I feel that my mind is quieter, the anxiety is still there, and I keep trying to affirm what I've always believed to see if I still agree and it's like my body preemptively gets anxious expecting the thoughts to return and then uses that anxiety as evidence that the thoughts are true when I really don't want them to be... I guess all of these count as compulsions? It's bad to the point anything lgbt-related triggers me now when it never did before (I was always like "good for them, but that's not for me" towards any kind of lgbt content, I've never identified with the community nor do I want to be part of it still), I can barely get anything done, get out of the house, spend time with my friends, listen to music or watch movies, focus on what I need to do, eat, sleep or even just enjoy my hobbies. The anxiety is always there, my mind feels like it'll explode and I feel like my life will be over if I don't figure this out now so I can fix it. I think I've also been experiencing false attractions and loss of attraction, which is making all of this worse, because my mind is trying to find out why they're happening and using them as evidence that I'm one thing or another... I never had any feelings towards women before this all started but I'm so scared I might have now all of a sudden when I don't want to. It's exhausting, I just want to be able to live normally again. The what ifs don't stop: what if I find out I'm actually what my fears say I am? What if I'm one of those late bloomer lesbians? What if I'm in denial? What if I'm just saying I've always wanted men due to comphet? What if I actually never find out and I'll be ruminating over this my entire life and won't be able to live? What if I'm lying to myself? What if I've always been that and never known? What if others find out I'm having these thoughts? What if it's not OCD and I'm making excuses and this is all true? What if it's always been a subconscious desire and I didn't know? What if I have sex with a man and don't like it actually? What if I'm aro/ace and that means I'll never be able to have a family one day? What if I have no choice? What if that one memory where you enjoyed time with a female friend means you're gay actually? What if I'm never able to love a man ever again despite having been able to in the past? The idea of being with a woman is absolutely terrifying to me, I'm not at all comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian or bi or anything, while the idea of being with a man only causes me some anxiety but feels more right. I've had very few experiences with relationships, most were unfortunately long distance, and I'm currently single so I can't even gauge my attraction or feelings that way, but I'm so tempted to seek a relationship because of this to prove I'm still straight... I also have GAD and might have depression, so that may be contributing to all of this... I just feel like my life is over, I can't live like this. I can't handle my mind constantly looking for proof that I'm lesbian or bi, using the fact that I enjoy my mom's hugs or my female friends' company to say "see?? I was right and you're lesbian!!" when I never once in my life ever thought of women that way, I don't understand why this is happening 😭😭 And to make it worse, it's also latching onto the past and using it as proof that I must have always been a lesbian without knowing and it's making me feel like I actually wanted it, when at the time I never thought of it that way. Like, me enjoying the company of one of my best friends or sharing a common interest with her doesn't mean I'm gay?? Caring about my friends isn't gay?? Being a girl who likes girly things doesn't make me gay?? But the thoughts are always like "no you're lying, you're just in denial, you actually felt xyz back then that's why you wanted her company" or "are you sure?". The thoughts also latch on the fact that I find incel, gooner and misogynistic behavior disgusting (which might be poisoning my opinion about men as well even though I don't want it to 😭), and they tell me I'm a lesbian because of it, which only makes me more depressed. But no matter how much I try to argue, it's never enough, the doubts are always there and it's making me have so many panic attacks they wake me up at night and don't let me rest. I'm so scared of accepting the thoughts because I fear that accepting them will make me actually a lesbian when I really don't want to be (and I keep claiming I don't want to be and my mind keeps throwing the "are you sure? you're not sure" around, it never ends 😭). It feels so real, I'm so scared. I'll add this as well because I feel is relevant, but these thoughts/spirals have also tried latching onto my religious beliefs (I have none, but they tried to convince me I did after I saw a post on social media) and onto my gender identity (they tried convincing me I wanted to be a trans man, when in fact I've always wanted to look more feminine, because I'm so thin I barely have boobs and it's always been a huge source of insecurity for me). These, however, haven't returned, unlike the spirals about my sexual orientation and mainly about being lesbian/bi. I think I may have had at best a week free from this obsession, and even when I'm distracted I feel like they're always somewhere near my mind just waiting to snatch it from me again. If I manage to calm down, my mind will also use that against me, saying stuff like "see, you're calm now, which means you've accepted you're a lesbian!!" and I get all depressed and anxious again and want to cry but can't because I'm so tired. I just don't want that to be true, I want my normal life back 😭 I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I can't calm down. My life has been a living hell ever since this started, I feel unable to live, I just want to go back to how I was before all of this started. Is this HOCD/SOOCD at all? Can anyone else relate to this? Please tell me I'm not alone on these experiences, that I'm not what these thoughts claim... My mind is so close to fully convincing me that I am what they say and it's making me so depressed and anxious 😭😭 and it feels so real, like I'm already what they say I am and I'm chasing something that's no longer there. I'm so scared. I don't want to accept any possibility, I don't want to explore or "figure it out", I just want to be secure with my straight orientation again as I've always been, but there seems to be so much evidence of the contrary and I can't live with that possibility. How could I become a lesbian in the span of a few months when I never wanted that?? 😭 I'm so depressed, I miss crushing on men and wanting a husband and kids, I'm tired of arguing with my mind non-stop. I feel like I've been so full of doubts that I can barely affirm my favorite color, I can't remember what's like to be free from this madness, it's like from one moment to another I lost myself amidst this chaos and no longer know the stuff I've always known about myself. How do I go back to how I was before? How do I stop this without changing to be something I don't want? How do I get rid of these doubts that aren't supposed to mean anything but are scaring the shit out of me because what if they're true and I'm one of those cases where I'll become the sexuality I fear? I cannot bear the thought. It's been nightmarish 😭😭
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