- Username
- hateocd123
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Okay first of all. Take a moment to catch your breath. These types of thoughts are normal and are basically rapid fire. Stop researching about other people and their coming out stories because it makes this condition ten times worse. I would suggest writing all of your thoughts in a journal. Like absolutely everything. No matter how hard it will be to vent. Once you do that, you can see just how out of box these thoughts are. Now try distracting yourself, talk to your family, play with your pets, go for a run, eat a good breakfast, etc. I find when I do this, I feel alot more calm and better at managing my thoughts. Try talking to your boyfriend about this. I did and he made me feel alot better because he put my thoughts into perspective and challenged me on them. Always remember that no matter how real these thoughts get. You will always be you, you may not see it right now, but the real you in just stuck in traffic right now. The anxious you is taking full control of the situation and is deliberately causing the real you to be late to reason with these thoughts. What helps me through these very anxious thoughts is saying "okay, I acknowledge these thoughts as present, and for now. I will identify neutrally with them and maybe even agree with them" and then eventually the intensity passes and I feel alot more grounded. I'm slowly learning to stop fighting these feelings and thoughts and just letting them pass through my head. It's hard asf and convincing but once you feel convinced, then your hooked back into the cycle. Goodluck :)
Thank you :)
Oh my God, this was amazing advice! Thank you so much!!
I COMPLETELY relate to this. It was like reading my own words. I feel awful because of this, everything related to LGBT gets me triggered. I also have this thing with lesbian porn, and also the arousal thing. That's what gets me the most. I'm so scared that once/if I have a relationship with a boy, I won't feel pleasure with him. Yesterday I woke up in the middle of the night feeling extremely distressed and with a strong urge to watch porn: completely out of the blue, it made me so anxious and depressed. I'm scared that I'm just faking my heterosexuality, even though that doesn't even make sense. Or that I'm just bi, but with preference to women. That's also terrifying. This is the worst nightmare I could be living in, this makes me dread my life everyday of the week.
Yes, it's an absolute nightmare.
The thing is I tried to be bi in the past when the HOCD was really really quiet and I never had any real connection to girls. I tried to like girls and I tried to find them attractive, but back then it didn't work and THAT felt like I was lying. Now that the HOCD is super out of hand it feels like girls are ALL I'm attracted to.
I want to be happy and straight again.
I feel like I have completely lost my identity. I have no idea what I want anymore and I have no attraction towards any guy which of course is triggering. I’ve hooked up with guys here in the past few months and there and I’ve been so in my head about HOCD that I don’t enjoy it, which further triggers me and it’s a constant circle. So yes, I feel like I have no idea who I am or what I want right now, but this too shall pass, I know it!
It will indeed pass! It's been months, in fact more than a year since I started to deal with hocd, and it comes and goes. You start to recognize when you're going back into the cycle, and it feels much more mechanical in a way after some time. You should take a step back and try to keep yourself grounded. Ocd makes us anxious, even if we don't feel it physically, and makes our minds become foggy. That's why ocd is so painful: it attacks our own identity, and it wouldn't be ocd if it wasn't convincing or hard to tell.
@Lavander How are you doing? It's been a while since I've seen one of your posts and I've related to you a lot.
@hateocd123 Hey! I'm sorry for taking long to answer, I wasn't notified of your message. I wouldn't say I'm good and I'm definitely not over it, but I'm doing a lot better since the beginning of this year. Now ocd comes in episodes, and even if it stills feels very real and disturbing, I kind of know how to recognize it. So you may not be seeing my posts here because I haven't been posting as much, because when I do post too much I start to seek reassurance (and that only fuels hocd). I haven't seen your posts here as well. How are you doing?
OMGGGGGGG THIS IS LITERALLY MEEEEEEEE HELP
Hey! I've re read this post and wow, how things have changed! It's been over 260 days, this is crazy... A few days ago I tried to write a post here to tell people about my progression but for some reason I wasn't feeling comfortable doing it. I feel like I don't have good emotions attached to making posts here, so I won't force myself. I feel like this won't be of much help, but things do get better. I never thought they would, but they do. I'm not 100% good, but it feels nice to be able to worry about other things. I barely have any ocd thoughts, not for days in a roll. I never got professional treatment, but just carried on day by day until it gradually faded in my mind. Hang in there, things do get better, even if it takes a while...
I couldn’t have written this better myself. These are my feelings exactly
Get treatment. It gets better :)
@hateocd123 Really!!?? Does it 😭😭😭😭
HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?
**If you're not familiar with hocd please don't answer.** It feels like there's no straight me left. I've accepted that I'm a lesbian I don't know if that's what I was supposed to do. I'm deeply uncomfortable and unhappy. I feel that if I was meant to be gay this would feel like it was right for me. It only feels right because if I call myself anything else it feels like I'm lying to myself. The world feels like it's falling apart. I understand that there are people who are happy being gay and that is wonderful for them. I don't want this. I tried saying that I will just call myself straight because I'm only interested in persuing men, but my brain will not let me because I was turned on by a porn of a woman touching herself and its harder for me to get turned on by anything else now. I'm attracted to boys, but what if it's just aesthetically? I don't get a groinal response when I look at an attractive man so I guess that's true. I get groinal responses for women and I guess that's what true attraction is supposed to feel like. I'm masculine. I've been told I'm masculine too. Part of me feels like I want this now. I hate it, but my brain keeps saying what if I'm supposed to be this way. The idea of living in denial of my true self is just as scary to me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like this has eaten my whole identity. I want to feel like a girl, I want to be girly, but I'm not allowed to be. I want all of this to end.
I guess I'm gay. This is it. Im attracted to both men and women, but I get a stronger sexual reaction to women. I dont want to be gay. I'm with a boy who I love, but now I'm scared that I love my best friend instead of him. Before hocd I had no feelings for her at all. I dont want to have feelings for her. Before HOCD I didn't think I was gay, but because of comments that I saw yesterday it feels completely true now. I'd like to identify as straight, but that feels wrong because if I was healthy Id most likely want to be gay, right? I hope that isnt true. I'm not allowed to identify as straight because that's just proof that I'm in denial. I'm deep in denial. I want to die. I need help. But I can't afford help. I don't get a sexual response from looking at either gender now, which is very distressing because checking no longer works. I don't want my boyfriend to leave my life. I dont want to stop being intimate with him. I love talking to him, holding his hand, and hugging him, and kissing him and having sex with him. I'm scared I'm only with him for reassurance now. I dont want to get help if that means leaving him, but now I'm scared that's because I want to be straight, not because I love him. The most fucked thing about this is when I first developed hocd it was when I was going through puberty. I'd be terrified that I'd accidentally look at a girls boobs or butts, not even because I had the inclination to. It started from there and for some reason I got the shit end of the stick and it developed into being true. Have I convinced myself that I'm gay and I'm really not? I've been dealing with this so long I honestly have no idea. This bothers me so much because it's all about sex. What the fuck does sex have to do with loving someone? Love is not sex. I fucking hate societies view on sex and sexuality. I'm scared that if I dont react to these supposed feeling for my friend then they'll haunt me for ever. I dont want to lose my boyfriend.
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond