it’s haunting

it feels like a monster crawling into my skin. like this unwanted feeling & thought. anytime I see a trigger, my brain does the honor to torture me. it’s like I’m trapped. locked in place. and you can’t do anything about it when it comes. you want it to go away but it eats at you. you’re sure you aren’t what you fear. but each exposure makes you rethink. and the cycle begins. what the fuck even is real or fake??? shit feels real to me. I hate it. it causes so much stress. shame. it’s like my brain forces me to. I don’t want it anymore. I want to go back to the way I was. before all of this took over. I want to rest.

Viny

Date posted: 45w

Hey. I'm sorry you are overwhelmed it's really stressful and horrible having to deal with unwanted thoughts everyday. But let me tell you OCD is not a thought problem it is a feeling problem. We can logically notice the thoughts are false and we know they are false but feelings are on another level of "non control" and the catch is feelings do not mean anything just like thoughts. Most of the time the meaning our feelings have are given by ourselves and the context we are. So it feels real because it's a reaction our bodies have! But it does not have any tangible meaning outside the chemical reactions we go through everyday.... Aside from yeah giving us stress 😬

veinsoul

Date posted: 45w

@Viny now my mind is thinking that with feelings having no meaning, anything a person feels for me or what I feel, even if not intrusive, is worthless. I don’t understand emotions. mine to be exact. I have a hard time understanding why I feel the way I feel. only thing I can recognize is my sadness, guilt, shame, and a handful of negatives. but even when some of those, I don’t understand. sometimes I feel other things I don’t want to. and I don’t understand why.

Viny

Date posted: 45w

@veinsoul Because you don't control how you feel! Feelings do not have inherent meaning! It does not mean anything about you and your character. A feeling is worth as much as we give importance to it. And of course you feel sad. Guilt and shame. The OCD makes us think things that we would never do/never wish/want and we will judge this things by our values. And by doing so we will feel bad about it. I'm sleepy so forgive me if I'm not making sense

veinsoul

Date posted: 44w

@Viny no worries. I believe I was also on the brink of sleep typing my response. I appreciate your response. emotions/feelings are difficult for me to decipher. how are you doing today? if u don’t mind me asking. you’ve been real for answering/replying to my posts. I do appreciate it. I feel seen.

Viny

Date posted: 44w

@veinsoul I feel alright I think. The worst part of it is already gone I think but I have a headache from battling my thoughts today.

veinsoul

Date posted: 44w

@Viny tough, ain’t it? I’m relieved the worst has washed away. all of this suuuuccckkssss also, forgive me for the late reply. I’ve been pretty busy.

Viny

Date posted: 44w

@veinsoul It's okay! And yeah it's tough the worst part for me is waking up and being hit by anxiety.

veinsoul

Date posted: 44w

@Viny idk if nocd updated but the comments look weird for me @_@ I’m sorry you have to go through this. I can’t say it’s everyday for me but I definitely have those times where I feel better asleep than awake. those few moments u wake up and boom. all of the thoughts roll in & I feel the weight on my chest. gotta love it

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 25w

I don’t want to keep doing this

some days I wake up with so much dread and guilt. It makes it so hard to keep going. I open my eyes and I’m hit with a wave of nausea and terror. I feel ashamed of my compulsions and my OCD. I feel like a monster for my checking compulsions. For momentarily sexualizing things that shouldn’t be sexualized out of anxiety. I’m ashamed of a lot that I give into because of anxiety. Confessing things that are meaningless to my boyfriend. I feel so awful and unworthy of existing and of love. I feel hopeless I don’t want to keep pushing, the more I push the more meta my OCD becomes and the more guilt I feel for this mental illness. The more confusing it becomes to do ERP. If compulsions are a choice, they feel like life or death and it’s driving me insane, I beat myself up so badly over them I’m scared of compulsions, I’m scared of thoughts, I’m scared to be awake, I’m even scared of sleeping because my intrusions and compulsions haunt me there too. I spend my dreams trying to explain or justify my OCD and compulsions to people. I’m exhausted, I want this to stop so badly. My severe OCD isn’t feeling any less severe and it’s been months. I don’t want to keep questioning my every move but I’m so hyperaware of everything I do. I’m so tired. Some days I don’t even have tears to cry with. I’m just so full of despair and shame

AnonymousOne...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

I don't know what's happening...

I feel like the thoughts are telling me, "You want this, you want to be attracted to kids" when I know that's not the case. I've been stuck ruminating for the past couple of days and I'm so worried about this disorder convincing me that I'm something I've never been. I try not to fight it, but when I don't it feels like I'm giving into it like it's true. The meds I'm on keep me from being super depressed, but it's still there. I feel like I'm going to act on my thoughts one day and it worries me. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know if this is progress or a relapse. Even when having intercourse with my partner, I had to thought block because the thoughts were images while in the middle of it. Then afterwards, they came flooding in saying that I was doing it as a distraction. I don't know what else to do. I try to pinpoint all of my triggers, but sometimes I don't think I even have any. I feel like a monster. I'm honestly scared.

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 13w

Triggering posts

I sometimes see posts on here of people saying their OCD fears becoming true and it’s so so triggering for me. It makes me question if I ever had OCD and if I’m just faking it. I’ve tried to accept that my fear was real. Okay? Before I knew this was OCD, I really TRIED to accept it as a part of myself because I figured if I was even having those thoughts, it must be true. But in reality it just made me feel worse in the end. It wasn’t until several hours/few days after accepting the thoughts as true did I realize they were not and how uncomfortable it made me identifying with them that way, so eventually I went back into the rumination cycle. And I’ve done this multiple times. No matter how much I’ve accepted it as real, I never come to a conclusion in the end and I just get 10x more miserable. And I am still so scared of my fear coming true as those peoples did. But I know that’s what we all fear, otherwise we wouldn’t be here. And with a new fear I just developed, (all in the realm of the same theme) I’ve also tried to accept it as real when I felt SUPER convinced and even though it felt excruciatingly real, there was a part of me that couldn’t fully believe it, because I just know viscerally that it’s not. But the feeling of it being real is just too powerful and it overmastered any ounce of insight I had left. It wasn’t until my OCD spike calmed down when I was able to see through the viel. I hate this. I have no desire to do anything that my thoughts tell me. I know what I want to be, want to do, and it’s the opposite of those OCD thoughts. But these triggering posts won’t leave. (Not really the publishers fault, it’s my ritual that I engage in). They make me come all back to square one (if I wasn’t there already) and question if I’m using this as an excuse. I don’t want to do what my OCD tells me to do, but my brain just spits, “you’re just convincing yourself you don’t want this!” as it so often now does. I’m so tired. Please give me my old self back. Please give me 100% certainty that none of this is real and my fears are not at all based in reality. My brain cannot accept uncertainty and will not leave me alone. My brain is raged and powerless without knowing why, and spiels that anger back on me to get a reaction, and when it gets what it wants, the cycle continues. And goes way longer than I had bargained for :(

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