Intrusive Thoughts about Abuse?

Has anyone had this fear that they were abused in childhood and just don’t remember? And that’s why you have harm related thoughts? Like, I kept thinking if my mom abused me in childhood even though I had not ever thought or felt that way before, it came up a few months ago when my therapist was talking about complex PTSD which then freaked me out thinking something super horrific happened in my childhood and I just don’t remember it. My mom and I are super close, always have been. My mom was protective of me, but never in an abusive sense. She would just worry whenever I went out with friends and such, and wanted me to text her every now and again to let me know what was going on. Even in adulthood she sometimes wants to check in on me if I go out somewhere (even though we live together) and she even tells me to not worry about it and she knows it’s just her anxiety that gets the best of her, thinking something bad happened or what not. Anyway, I kept thinking about this and I thought is this abusive behavior? My mom wanting to check in on me? And I think of course not, it shows she cares and loves me. It’s not like she’s a hounding my phone every second or what not, just a text or a call to see what’s up. But my mind takes it further and thinks this is controlling behavior or something. So it goes back to the was I abused in childhood and I just have repressed memories, and that’s why I get harm thoughts towards my mom. I’m always thinking there is a deeper meaning. I never even thought that before in my life, about the abuse part, but it has become stuck in my mind and I’m scared it will ruin my relationship with my mom.

Username: TexasOCD41TexasOCD41

Date posted: 16w ago

Also. there is no deeper meaning to OCD thoughts. But trying to figure out if there is, is a compulsion and compulsions make OCD stronger. NO OCD THOUGHT HAS MEANING. They are ego-dystonic thoughts, they don't line up with who we are from a moral and personal values standpoint. If it feels like it doesn't fit, its cuz it doesn't. Also, its a BIG OCD indicator if its something you have never considered before and then it just popped up out of the blue. that is POSTER CHILD OCD.

Username: TexasOCD41TexasOCD41

Date posted: 16w ago

I have had this thought before. Let me tell you with almost complete certainty ( and I say almost completely because absolute certainty does not exist-at all- for anything in life) BUT I can say that you were not abused, and you have not repressed the memory. A lot of people have this idea that perhaps a past trauma is what has caused their current OCD. For me, I experienced trauma of multiple forms, sexual, emotional, and physical, and some of my OCD did like to target some of the events that were linked to trauma. I asked my therapist WHO SPECALIZES IN OCD ( it is important that your therapist be trained in OCD as regular talk therapy can actually be detrimental to OCD recover) I asked her " hey, If I address my past trauma, especially the events that my OCD keeps bringing to mind, maybe that will make the OCD go away?" she said " while I understand you might think that, that is not how OCD works, because what OCD makes you obsess over is fears, not facts, and if you want to try to work on your past trauma outside of your OCD therapy, you can do that, but OCD is only interested in today." So I followed her instruction and I told myself " if it didn't matter then, it doesn't matter now, its just OCD, not important" and I even pushed the envelope and said " so maybe my dad did molest me and I don't remember, ok, who cares, if its true, id rather not remember it" and as I continued to stick with my ERP and no engaging with these fears, guess what? they went away. I no longer wonder if my dad might have molested me and I don't remember, that was ALL OCD. I also don't feel the need to work on my past trauma, because once my OCD lost its power, my trauma did too. I don't feel shame or guilt or hurt about those things anymore. So long story shot. You need to practice ERP to this thought. It IS OCD. tell yourself, " if it didn't matter then, it didn't happen then" or " I don't care if it happened or not, I choose to just be happy and love my mom" your brain will learn you don't care about this irrational OCD idea and it will lose power.

Username: SolroseSolrose

Date posted: 16w ago

@TexasOCD41 Thank you so much for your response. It means a lot to me. All you said really resonates with me and I appreciate it. My main theme ocd has always been harm related towards my mom and I definitely do try to think there is a deeper meaning to these thoughts. Like I’m trying to figure them out. Also I feel like ocd tries to paint everything in a much worse way. For example, when I started kindergarten I was really upset to be there without my mom cause I missed her, which then made me think I had attachment issues due to abuse or something. Like I can’t just think “I love my mom and I was a 5 year old child, it’s okay to have missed her and cry about it.” No, my brain wants to shift it to “this is a sign of abuse.” I know deep down it’s ridiculous, but I think it was triggered because my therapist in the past told me she believed I had complex ptsd, which made me go to the worst possible scenario and made me think I was physically/emotionally abused, which know I wasn’t nor have memories of. Ugh, I hate this disorder.

Username: TexasOCD41TexasOCD41

Date posted: 16w ago

@Solrose - Ugh, i hate it when therapists throw out labels like that. I have been told I have PTSD and childhood trauma. Heres the thing about PTSD, it only means as much as you let it. I stopped seeing the therapist who told me all of that, and my current therapist ( who specializes in OCD) believes that trauma is only as important as you make it and to me, I don't really identify as a person with PTSD so I just dropped that label. Just because some therapist told you this, doesn't mean you have to agree and even IF you do/did have PTSD, that is a condition that is treatable and can go away, it is not a lifelong disorder. What you need to realize is you have OCD first and foremost, and OCD will make you look for unicorns ( spoiler alret, they don't exist) and will make you try to find meaning where there is none. Trying to FIND meaning IS A COMPULSION and compulsions make OCD stronger. I know it also sounds like the opposite of what you should do, but when you have these thoughts, that maybe your mom hurt you, you shouldn't resist them. You should let them happen, let them play out, just DONT engage with them, DONT try to stop them either, don't try to make them go away, just let them be and come up with a mantra to say EVERY time, to help shift your brain gears away. Mine is " maybe so, maybe not, didn't matter then, doesn't matter now, I don't care, I have more important things to do" and I say that to ANY AND ALL of my OCD thoughts " what if I'm a serial killer?" (insert mantra) "what if my dad molested me and I don't remember?" (insert mantra) "what if I'm a bad person" (insert mantra) and then I get back to real life. the thoughts are still there, I'm still uncomfortable, BUT I'm not doing a compulsion to get any relief, I'm pushing thru with life. You do this repeatedly and in time your brain learns that even tho you don't control your thoughts, you DO control which ones you think are important, and in time it will follow you, not the other way around. -btw- I used to run out the door in kindergarten past the teachers and track my mom down in the parking lot sobbing because I didn't want my mom to leave. you're childhood experiences you have told me sound EXTREMELY typical and I can say with confidence you don't need to examine anymore of them, no unicorns will be found there, only typical and probably happy childhood memories :)

Username: SolroseSolrose

Date posted: 16w ago

@TexasOCD41 Thank you again so much for all your insight. I really appreciate it. It never crossed my mind before that my mom abused me. Never thought about any childhood abuse happening before. It just seemed to come out of nowhere, but I know it’s all related to my fears of losing my mom/ruining our relationship/losing control. I try to tell myself “I don’t care” when these thoughts come up, but sometimes it’s so difficult. So me resisting doing that makes me feel like I want the thought and that I want to believe in it. I even thought “I care more about finding out the truth then the relationship with my mom” which hurts me to think about because it feels real. Do I really care more about chasing the “truth” then my loving relationship with my mom? Is this not even a thought anymore or a belief/delusion? What more do I value? I know deep down there couldn’t possibly have been any physical or emotional abuse, but I want that certainty, those answers to know for sure, and if just sucks. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my mom and I’m scared I’m going to fully start distracting her or feeling uncomfortable around her.

Username: isabeesa isabeesa

Date posted: 16w ago

I relate to this. I am very early in my OCD therapy journey so don’t have advice, but I understand this experience.

Username: TexasOCD41TexasOCD41

Date posted: 16w ago

Lastly, omg no thats not abusive, thats mother behavior lol you cant spell smother with out mother. I'm 33 and my mom still wants me to check In with her on a regular basis. Sorry my responses were do disjointed. I was a tad distracted while responding.

Username: TexasOCD41TexasOCD41

Date posted: 16w ago

Certainty doesn’t exist. The more you try to find it( which is a compulsion btw) the worse your ocd will get. Everything you’re describing, you’re fears, you “ what ifs” that’s all OCD. Your analysis of your and searching for meaning is also a mental compulsion and to repeat myself because I can’t stress this enough, compulsions are the main problem of ocd, not the thoughts, not the fears, not the anxiety. Continue to tell yourself you don’t care about the OCD thoughts. Regardless of the anxiety and the “ but what ifs” continue to deny attention to it. This is ERP. You will be uncomfortable, you will be anxious, you need to sit with that and not mentally analyze. This will train your brain to stop sending false alarms around fake thoughts. Ocd comes out of nowhere, it’s one sure fire way to KNOW you have OCD. It just hits out of blue one day.

Username: SolroseSolrose

Date posted: 16w ago

@TexasOCD41 Thank you again for your response. It means a lot you take the time out of your day to reply. I was diagnosed at 15 with ocd and then it went away for several years, came back when I was around 25, went away again, and then had a huge flair up earlier this year. One of my worst flair ups yet. It’s so strange, because you think me experiencing ocd symptoms before it would be easier this time to overcome. But I guess if it was easy it wouldn’t be a disorder. Anyway, I appreciate you again for talking to me! 💖 I hope you’re doing well on your journey of healing!

Username: TexasOCD41TexasOCD41

Date posted: 16w ago

@Solrose - Your story sounds similar to mine. diagnosed at 13, went away till I was in my 20s and then I will experience flares typically around big events ( even good ones). We bought a house in the spring and I flared BAD about a month later and it was my worst to date too, lasted from April till August. Moving triggered it because while a new house is exciting, its also change and I was in an unusual place, new financial responsibilities, then my cat passed away in July RIGHT when I started getting the flare under control and it blew back up again gigantically. I ended up needing medication at that point and now I'm basically back to normal. I get on this site almost daily to try to help others because I know how awful and isolating this feels and to be on the good side of it, I want to pay my blessings forward and try to pull other people out of that darkness and into the light too. Always happy to help :)

Username: regretfulrainregretfulrain

Date posted: 5d ago

I am dealing with the same thing. Do you have any tips on how you dealt with it?

Username: ChloeBartleby

Date posted: 19w ago

Intrusive Thoughts of Dad Acting Inappropriately

Hello all. I (20 y/o female) have an intrusive thought that popped up about four months ago and has not been able to leave my head ever since and it is ruining my life. I have a memory (?) of when I was about 7-9 years old (although I really have no idea and my brain has told me varying ages even going up a few years) when I was in the shower and turned around to see my dad popping his head in the curtain to (realistically) either check on me or try to scare me as a prank. He is the most wonderful father and has never done anything inappropriate aside from this “incident” but my brain cannot let this go and is trying to convince me that this was sexual. I have always been a “daddy’s girl” but some days I cannot even speak to him on the phone because this fear that I was somehow abused is so deep in my brain. I’ll have days where I can reasonably tell myself that even if this did happen, he did not see it as inappropriate because I am his little girl, but other days it will disgust me to no end. I’ve brought it up with him once when my thoughts were at their worst but he said he didn’t even remember it happening. My brain will randomly go “hey, think about this–you’re a victim” through out the day and it’s like my whole body will shut down, my face gets hot and my heart starts beating faster and I just feel like all of the joy has physically been sucked out of my body. It often leaves me in a depressive episode. I can’t even fathom going to therapy out of the fear of my therapist telling me that this really was concerning behavior on behalf of my dad and I don’t think I could handle that. A little while back I posted this on a subreddit and someone in the comments said “this doesn’t give me a good feeling…. But it could have been innocent if you say so” and I haven’t been able to forget this. It send me into a total tailspin, if someone from an outside perspective says it’s weird then it must be??? Ever since this thought has popped up I can’t act normally. I sometimes can’t even watch movies that have dads in them because it makes me think of it, any time I hear a sex joke my skin crawls and god forbid anyone make a “sweet home Alabama” joke around me. I’ve never seen anything online about people who have experienced this too which just makes my worry so much worse. I’ve experienced OCD symptoms since early childhood however never anything like this which makes me even more scared that it is real. I truly don’t know what to do with myself anymore, every day just feels like the precious minutes I have between the times this thought pops up.

Username: Solrose

Date posted: 16w ago

Delusional thoughts - scared. Please read.

Hi everyone. I’m going through it at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated. I posted this before, but I really need to vent about this again. Feeling really anxious. I would just like to hear more opinions and advice please. So my main theme of OCD is harm related, especially towards my mom. I live with my mom and I love her dearly, and she loves me as well. We’re best friends and have been close my whole life. I was diagnosed with ocd and generalized anxiety disorder at 15 years old, and I’m 32 now. Got back into therapy this year due to flare up of my ocd. Back in July I had the thought “what if my mom wants to hurt me?” Which led to thoughts that she is going to hurt me in my sleep or plotting against me. Also just other crazy thoughts like what if she’s secretly a killer or something. My mom is one of the kindest people I know, gentle and polite to everyone she meets so to have these kinds of thoughts just seems too bizarre for ocd. They seem almost delusions. There were also urged to like barricade my door at night so she couldn’t get in, which I never did of course but the thought to even do that and feeling like I wanted to freaked me out. I even had the thought like “maybe I should report her to the police.” It just sounds crazy deep down, but those thoughts and fears feel so real at times. It just seems to lead to more paranoid type thoughts and it freaks me out. Fast forward and the thoughts went away, but the past two weeks or so they came back and I have been thinking them on and off. They give me anxiety, which then makes me think I believe them. Like if I’m scared of the thoughts, that means I believe them. I wonder a lot if I really believe them or not. I know I truly don’t deep down, I never once thought like this before, but the feelings and doubt make it feel real. I have told all of this to my mom and she understands me, but I feel guilt and shame as well to have these thoughts. I want to get back into seeing a psychiatrist again since it has been 15 years without any adjustments to my medication, but ai’m terrified of seeing someone new and then diagnosing me with schizophrenia or think I’m experiencing psychosis due to how delusional these thoughts sound. I’m scared to be misdiagnosed, even though I have always just been diagnosed with ocd. But maybe I have changed… I hate these thoughts and I just worry they’re too bizarre for ocd. If this isn’t something else. I’m scared ERP won’t help with this or that it will make it worse, prolonging me from getting different help that I may need instead. Thank you for reading all of this.

Username: Solrose

Date posted: 15w ago

Fear of Psychosis - Delusions. Scared. Please Read

I feel so upset right now. Can anyone relate? I keep having this delusional-type thoughts that my mom is out to hurt me. We live together and at night when I’m trying to sleep I get the thought that she is going to come in my bedroom and hurt me. My mom is so kind and loving, she’s my best friend. I know OCD attacks what we love, but I can’t let this go. I try to just reply with a “maybe, maybe not,” but then it comes back full force and says “you’re in denial, they’re brainwashing you to think that way, etc.” and it freaks me out and makes me feel so down. Like it says “your life is in danger, don’t dismiss this!” I keep thinking I’m in psychosis. Like if someone asks me if I truly believe these things, I want to automatically rely “I don’t know.” Because the doubt and realness of the thoughts/feelings deal soo real like I’m convinced of these things. I just feel so lost and confused. It makes me feel sick. I confess all of these things to my mom, which I know is just me seeking reassurance. I try to say to myself if I truly believed she was out to hurt me, I probably wouldn’t even be sharing this with her. But then again my mind always has a rebuttal to bring me back into rumination. I want this to be easier. I want my life back. I have been dealing with ocd for years now and this flare up has been the worst yet. Please, I know I’m seeking reassurance, but can anyone relate to any of this?

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