Thinking about the past

(TRIGGER WARNING FOR 21+ PLEASE) My mind has been my worst enemy lately. I can’t seem to move on with my life because of it. I keep thinking back about mistakes that I’ve made in the past and comparing them to people that have been called out or “cancelled” lately and I’ve convinced myself that I’m the worst—that I’m a monster. I’ve talked about it when it happened but essentially, I worked a summer job with a coworker that was underaged—I was 21 and they were 17 at the time. I don’t exactly remember what we talked about—most of it was about music and school but I’m afraid that we might’ve talked about other things that would be deemed as inappropriate. I just can’t remember the details, for the life of me. But I do remember a horrible joke I made at the time where i asked if I could go grab food and he told me that I didn’t need his permission, that I wasn’t his daughter and I jokingly responded with “ok, dad!. It was awful and I deeply regret making it and thinking about it, I want to die. I don’t think I deserve to have a future. I no longer work with that person and want nothing to do with them, but I keep wondering if I had done anything else to make them uncomfortable or how else I could’ve harassed or assaulted them in any way. I’m lowkey spiraling over this and I don’t know what to do with myself.

Solrose

Date posted: 46w

Nothing you said sounds in any insulting or even awful. Saying “Ok, Dad,” was you joking with your coworker who said that you weren’t their daughter. I see nothing wrong in saying something like that. I have said similar things before with my friends, coworkers, etc. Doesn’t matter if they’re younger or not. Also you need to stop probing your memory trying to find things that you might have said that were inappropriate or insulting. We’re not going to remember everything we ever said or did, and we can also easily trick ourselves into thinking we did something when we did not or having fuzzy details about a situation. This is rumination and it’s a big compulsion. If you start to think this way, just say “Yep I may or may not have said something in the past that was inappropriate, but right now I’m going to stay in the present and live according to my values.” We have all said and done things that maybe we aren’t too proud of or regret. It’s normal and it’s part of being human. We learn and grow from the experiences. If you said something in the past you regret or feel guilty about, have self-compassion and forgive yourself. I hate how cancel culture has led to people feeling guilty about the littlest of things. No one has the right to throw the first stone.

Anonymous

Date posted: 21w

Am I disgusting for this?

I’m a 23 y/o female who has recently entered a phase of obsessive thoughts of mistakes I’ve made, ranging from events that happened over a decade ago when and I was a kid up to things that happened recently. I feel so much debilitating guilt I can’t do anything or function. I especially feel bad for this one instance. I have always had extremely low self esteem, and I often seek attention and validation especially from men. I like being liked. I find myself trying to act or look cute, or even act somewhat like a pick-me, so that I feel liked. I feel like I may even do this with girls too, but especially guys. I just really like attention, and I’ve been in a stagnant 6 year relationship where I don’t really feel desirable, and I’m very lonely. A few months ago I started playing a game where I met a large group of people and we would all play together everyday. One of the people in particular was a 15/16 year old guy who flirted with me a lot, and I kept my distance because he was so young, and I felt kinda weird talking to someone younger than me, but we would still talk sometimes because we were apart of the same discord group, and I have a problem being stern and confrontational so I didn’t want to be mean or make things awkward in the friend group. Although it made me uncomfortable that he was so young and that I’m nearly a whole decade older than him, and I did make it clear that I was dating someone and I was way too old for him and I would tell him to stop, I wasn’t very stern and I was very lighthearted about it and I even found myself liking the attention I got from him. I was flattered. I liked that he liked me so much even though I knew he was a teenager and I feel like I was maybe even seeking attention from him like I did with the other guys in the group. And when I say seeking attention, I mean that I was acting cute so that I was liked and got attention. Is that considered flirting? Was I flirting with him? Does this make me disgusting? That I liked the attention I got even though he was teenager? That I acted cute around him as well as all the other guys so that he would like me? I feel disgusted with myself. Does this make me a predator? Doesn’t this make me disgusting that I liked attention I got from a teenager? To be fair, I like the attention I get from any guy. I just like feeling liked. But I feel like it makes me disgusting that even though I knew he was a teenager I still liked and was flattered by the attention and was possibly even seeking it out from him. My head is all messed up. I really feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I feel disgusted with myself to the point that I’m nauseous. I’m so ashamed. I’ve been crying nonstop for days on end and I feel truly hopeless. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life with this shame and that I’m convinced that makes me a predator or a sick person. I don’t know if I’m overthinking things or not. I just really need some relief because I feel like I’m losing my mind, but I want someone to be honest with me about my actions.

str4berrycoo...

Date posted: 21w

how i deal with the "what ifs" (+18)

i feel like i have been posting a lot about this and i will try to stop since now but i just don't know where to start or what to do, and i can't take therapy right now either. my event is about something that did actually happen; i had a boyfriend and we had a 1.5 age difference (i know this sounds stupid) but the thing is that we both started to sext a lot since he was 14 and i was 15. we shared audios videos pictures ect and i don't know how to just let this go, even when i know that i never really forced him into anything and i was always constantly worried about him being comfortable, when to stop and ect. the memories keep coming back to my mind and the guilt is eating me up slowly because i keep thinking that i'm a predator or a groomer or something like that. i don't know how to deal with the what ifs either, lately i haven't stopped thinking what if i sexually harassed or sexually exploited him or something like that. how do i deal with the cycle of guilt and constant what ifs if i also feel like my event is worse than others i've seen? please help me with this. it's getting a lil tiring and even if somedays i know how to deal with this, i still get really triggered sometimes. this wouldn't even bother me before, i wish i could just get back in time before this theme popped into my mind. my life has been a hell since then and i live constantly scared and suicidal.

Mitu_001

Date posted: 9w

I cant move on

TW: Trauma , ab*se( I dont want to trigger anyone,I hope I won't) I just cant move on from a horrible mistake.When I was 16 a kid told me another kid hurt them.It was very bad.It was an abuse..and I didnt do anything.And honestly I am scared, Idk what to do right now.I want to apologise because I didnt help them..to apologise to their parents, tell them, but I am scared they will blame me( ik,I am a foul) .I am ashamed because I am scared.I could have helped the kid and I didnt.And the fact that the kid trusted me and I didnt help them is killing me.I am so sorry.I want to apologise , do something now,but it might be too late and I dont want to trigger or scare the kid.And since then I got the same ,horrible , repetitive thoughts when I see the kid: what happened, how I didn't help, how terrible it must been, especially because they trusted me.I cant stop these thoughts.Is a cycle.I am thinking that I am complice because I didn't help and that I am a criminal and should be punished.I will go to a therapist soon and Idk how to start telling them about these thoughts.I wish I can go back in time...

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Thinking about the past

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