I completely understand. I am a Christian, and my OCD has always been focused on the fear of going to hell. That is the constant theme beating around in my brain at all times.
When I go to the store, I feel like if I buy the wrong things, then I will go to hell. When I am in a conversation with people, I feel like if I say the wrong words or use the wrong tone of voice, then I will go to hell. I feel like if I do certain movements with my hands or face wrong that I will go to hell.
It always feels like eternal doom is just one little mistake away.
I realized recently that my overall, “gut” view of God is all wrong. When we have OCD, we always have a very difficult time understanding unconditional love and grace and forgiveness. We always end up with a view of God that is wrong. (Mark DeJesus also talks about this. He said people with OCD have no “reference” for understanding unconditional love and grace.)
I want you to know that this is all NORMAL for OCD sufferers. OCD always hijacks what is good about our faith and twists things around so that we feel stuck in a cage.
So don’t be hard on yourself! The way you feel is actually expected when you suffer from OCD. I would recommend three things:
1.) Realize that your feelings have nothing to do with your faith.
This has been a big one for me. I have been in this OCD journey for many years, and a KEY principle for me has been to ignore my feelings.
Let me give you some examples:
I always have negative feelings toward the Spirit of God. These feelings aren’t real, but are part of the OCD. I don’t try to control these feelings. I don’t try to control the thoughts. I just let the thoughts and feelings flow freely through my mind.
I know in reality that I love God. I consider the feelings and thoughts as existing outside of reality. They mean nothing. So I allow them to be crazy, because they mean nothing.
You can do the same thing. You might have FEELINGS that God is unfair or that you want to become an atheist—or whatever thoughts and feelings that the OCD brings— but you can still live your life out of your DECISIONS and not your feelings.
With OCD, it’s best to just let those feelings/thoughts run freely through your mind. You can just realize that they don’t mean anything and have no bearing on reality.
However, if you are really planning on leaving God, of course that is another matter. But the THOUGHTS/FEELINGS that you have don’t matter at all.
2.). Realize that your lens (view) of God is skewed, and needs healing.
When we have OCD, we really have a hard time understanding God’s true character.
God is love. —But when we have OCD, we don’t know what that means. We have no reference for that.
God is our rock (safety). — But when we have OCD, we don’t know what safety means. Our whole lives feel filled with danger at every turn and every breath.
God wants us to enjoy life and live in freedom and fulfillment —But when we have OCD, we often feel like God wants us to be miserable and follow impossible rules all day.
The Bible says “the letter [of the law] kills, but the Spirit gives life” (2 Corinthians 3:6). When we have OCD, we experience this every day. The letter of the laws of OCD are slowly killing us.
However, this isn’t how God wants us to live. God wants us to live a real (and good) life.
Your lens of God will need shifting. My lens of God needs serious shifting. My “gut level” view is God is all wrong. I have so much perfectionism toward God, and I worry about punishment. But I am slowly getting better as I learn more about who God truly is.
It’s a slow process. You won’t change overnight. We have to learn to be loved. We have to learn to accept grace. We have to learn to look at God differently.
You might really be helped by Mark DeJesus on YouTube. He is a Christian pastor with OCD, and everything he talks about comes from his own journey. He is learning to change his view of God. He is learning what unconditional love and grace really mean. He is learning to live life as a “child” of God and not a “slave.” I found his videos very helpful.
3.). Realize that these struggles will make you a stronger Christian.
I could really be bitter about my life if I wanted to. I have spent years under the crushing hold of OCD. I have suffered immensely. People who don’t have OCD can’t imagine the suffering that we have gone through.
However, when I look back at my life, I see that I am BETTER than I would be without the struggle. I have learned faith and patience and many other things which have strengthened my character — all because I went through this struggle.
In fact, I have to exercise my faith every day in ways that other people can’t. It’s an act of faith for me to buy certain food at the store, or watch certain movies, or say certain words.
Every day I practice doing these things as an act of faith. I have learned what faith means on a deeper level than I ever would have otherwise. And the OCD gives me an opportunity to practice exercising my faith over and over.
Faith is like a muscle. The more you use it, the bigger it gets. The very struggle of OCD is making my faith grow.
You will be better off because of the OCD. God will use it to teach you deeper lessons about love and grace than you ever would have learned otherwise.
Whatever doesn’t kill you does make you stronger. Please feel free to write back if you want, and we can talk however much you want!! Having support and being able to talk makes a really big difference.
