- Date posted
- 42w
Why?
Today has been, not ideal, but better maybe? I actually was able to spend the night at a friend’s house. We went to a haunted house place, I was dressed as Mario. I kept getting these thoughts, what if I was uncomfortable with the Mario costume? It was very distressing. Halloween has been hard for me since I started my whole OCD journey. Last year, halloween was hard because my Harm OCD was at its peak. Halloween and scary movies would really trigger my thoughts. This year my theme has been identity typically pertaining to gender. Picking my costume was very triggering because I would look at the female costumes and I would be like “Do you want to wear those?” or “You want to wear a girl costume.” it was VERY hard. I’ve also been struggling with this crippling derealization, i’ll look around me and things just.. don’t feel right. They don’t feel real. My head is constantly spinning and honestly i’m just tired. And my question is, why? Why do these things happen to us as people? We’re given a gift, a chance at life, a chance to find all the beauty in every corner of our lives and yet we are plagued with a curse that most people don’t have to endure. Everyone has their issues.. everyone has their battles and endeavors. But why is that? Why do we struggle so much? What makes it worth it? I fight to survive, I grasp on to little shimmers of hope with my life. But it all fades.. and it’s back into the abyss. It’s overwhelming how insignificant our problems can be in the grand scheme of life.. I’m only 16, people say these are the glory days, the days I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life. And yet, I’m living in constant torture. Constant pain, questioning, and suffering.. There was a point in time where I was so connected spiritually too. Where I felt like God heard me. I felt Him.. but lately I don’t feel that way. My psychiatrist and my mom think that this is me just self-sabotaging. And for all I know they may be right. All I know is I am tired of this. I am tired of every minute of my day being taken and controlled by OCD. I hate anxiety, I hate depression, I hate OCD, I hate it all. It makes me feel weak and futile. There was also a point in time where I saw the good in everything. I saw the light. When I was younger I was the friend that people could talk to when they needed a boost. Now I can hardly keep myself together. I miss the person I was. I miss that Landon. I miss that boy, who was kind, and optimistic, and tried his best in school and didn’t constantly question every aspect of living and only saw the good in everything and even people. I feel helpless, scared, and most of all alone. TOCD has been worse for me than harm. This theme has warped not only my identity but my sense of reality, my sense of hope, my sense of self. I just hope the Lord has a plan for me, that he’s working through me for something great..