“I Hate You” Thought and Feeling

I keep thinking I hate my mom, although before my OCD flared up I never once thought this about her. Her and I are very close and I consider her my best friend. Most of my thoughts target her, especially harm related. When I have this thought, it even feels like I dislike her. But I think this is anxiety and the dread feeling. It makes me sad and I get emotional. But it feels real, and then I think I’m in denial or just telling myself to feel a certain way to not be guilty or whatever. Like I feel angry if someone tells me this isn’t true or that they know I love my mom, and if I feel that way does that mean it’s true? As if they’re trying to force me to feel a certain way or brainwash me to feel something. But I don’t want to hate her, so why would I get mad at that? I know I love her deep down. I have even confessed all this to my mom in a state of panic and she told me she knows it’s my OCD, but now I just feel so guilty for telling her all that since I think I hurt her. What mother wants to hear those things from her daughter? She is so kind and loving, and has done nothing to ever make me think I might hate her. I know I’m in a spiral right now and ruminating too much, but it’s so hard to not think there’s a deeper meaning or if this is how I truly feel. It makes me want to avoid her. I feel so lost and sad.

ScuderiaAlpha

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 45w

One of OCD best ways of keeping you trapped is “this thought/ feeling/ image/ urge means SOMETHING! You gotta figure it out!”. It’s a classic. When OCD targets family members it can feel like a big gamble to not react to any thoughts or feelings, but this is just OCD’s way of tryna pull you back into compulsions cause it knows it can get you that way. It’ll say or make you feel anything just to have them. There is nothing that OCD can tell you that you have to figure out, no matter how strong the feeling is or intense the obsession.

Solrose

Date posted: 45w

@ScuderiaAlpha Thank you, I appreciate your response. Sometimes it’s so difficult to not want to answer the question that my mind is bringing up. Like resisting to answer it means I’m in denial or forcing myself to feel a certain way, or running away from the truth. I live with my mom and sometimes I feel obligated to make sure she’s happy, even though she is capable of taking care of herself and I certainly could move out or do whatever and she would be fine. But it comes from a place of care since I don’t want her to be sad or lonely. So this makes me wonder if our relationship is toxic and if our relationship is actually based around love, and not obligation or something. Again though we have always been close and she’s very kind and caring, so I can’t imagine I would actually hate her. No relationship is perfect, so I don’t know why I go to the extreme. But I realize this is me wanting to analyze and answer the question. To find the “truth.” I’m thinking too hard about it.

Solrose

Date posted: 45w

@ScuderiaAlpha @Solrose I also think this is why sometimes my harm ocd targets her. Like part of me wonders if I want to harm her so to not worry about her anymore, like my brain considers worrying about her too big of a burden. But one of my biggest fears has always been losing her and I know it would destroy me to actually ever harm her. I just hate how my brain wants me to think differently, like makes think I actually want to or desire it and I’m just holding myself back. *I’m sorry for the two separate responses.

RS1208

Date posted: 45w

I’ve had those kind of thoughts, sometimes even about trivial things such as my favorite music - “I hate this band”, when in fact it’s my favorite band. When it’s about small things like that it’s easier to let it go, but for bigger things such as loved ones, it can feel sticky. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But do your best to let go of the rumination and become comfortable with that discomfort.

moon0270

Date posted: 24w

Makes me feel like a horrible person

That's what OCD feels like. Especially the constant questioning and doubt and the more you do it, the more you doubt yourself and it ends up leaving you open for other 'attacks'. I left the house today with my mom to run errands and things were fine, like my intrusive thoughts weren't bothering me that much in the beginning though they're constant in the background. Then when we stopped to get a drink from this store before leaving, I got more anxious because there were lots of kids around (it's afternoon here and i guess school was coming out). Kids were walking around in school uniform and I just told myself to keep looking away because i knew that my intrusive thoughts were going to flare up. Obviously that just made it worse and I just wanted to run away and crawl into a hole or something. Then a few minutes passed and then my brain said what if you were leering at the kids or looking at them inappropriately. And then my brain kept telling me that I wanted to or must have filmed one of them even though it's not something I want to do and know deep down that I didn't do it and don't want to. Ever. I just felt so disgusted with myself, I had to stop myself from crying on the way home. I hate this disease and I hate that its made its home in my head.

Anony1314

Date posted: 23w

Questioning everything

It was all your POCD they say, but now I'm like is it just a cover up. The feelings were SO REAL feeling in the moment. I feel like the friends who have told me it's OCD isn't even true anymore. It felt so real but I asked my child to move so it didn't happen again. I was scared. Thought I was going to be taken away. I've been ruminating for a month now. I've been feeling sick like I don't deserve to be her mom. Ugh I hate this.

POCD

ihavehope8937

Date posted: 22w

mom feelings

I feel super sad and depressed i'm tired of feeling so scared it's really changing me. My mom is a pretty difficult person she's a borderline narcissist. Over the years our relationship has changed a lot and recently i've been pretty hard on her because i feel so angry that she's not able to support me mentally in the ways that i need. I see now that she's mentally ill herself and i should be nicer and more understanding. she doesn't know better and she's trying her best. she was just a girl once and i feel bad that i said she lacks a motherly instinct. i love her a lot and i love seeing her laugh and be herself. she's super beautiful and unique and she deserved so much more out of life. I think my ocd makes me super angry towards the people in my life because i know i deserve the love i give. I would be so willing to have a really deep loving conversation with the people close to me yet i get such surface level support.

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“I Hate You” Thought and Feeling

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