- Date posted
- 42w
“I Hate You” Thought and Feeling
I keep thinking I hate my mom, although before my OCD flared up I never once thought this about her. Her and I are very close and I consider her my best friend. Most of my thoughts target her, especially harm related. When I have this thought, it even feels like I dislike her. But I think this is anxiety and the dread feeling. It makes me sad and I get emotional. But it feels real, and then I think I’m in denial or just telling myself to feel a certain way to not be guilty or whatever. Like I feel angry if someone tells me this isn’t true or that they know I love my mom, and if I feel that way does that mean it’s true? As if they’re trying to force me to feel a certain way or brainwash me to feel something. But I don’t want to hate her, so why would I get mad at that? I know I love her deep down. I have even confessed all this to my mom in a state of panic and she told me she knows it’s my OCD, but now I just feel so guilty for telling her all that since I think I hurt her. What mother wants to hear those things from her daughter? She is so kind and loving, and has done nothing to ever make me think I might hate her. I know I’m in a spiral right now and ruminating too much, but it’s so hard to not think there’s a deeper meaning or if this is how I truly feel. It makes me want to avoid her. I feel so lost and sad.