Can anyone offer insight on harm/suicidal ocd?

In a nutshell I was struggling w another theme and then a thought of “what if this gets so bad you hurt yourself?” Came up and got stuck. The other theme completely went away I will admit I’ve compulsed and dug into this so hard that now it feels real. It feels like I want to do this but am just holding myself back. I have no history of self harm or suicidal behaviour. Nothing was even going on in my life to make me want to do this. It feels like I did a 180 in a moment. It’s blurred the lines of what’s real and what’s not where even when I’m typing this out that I’m struggling it feels like I’m lying and just going through the motions. I even have thoughts that I’m delaying the inevitable and that even if I go somewhere for help it’ll just happen after. It feels like I don’t want to get better. This never used to be me and I honestly used to be terrified of death. I’ve done some ERP. I can hold knives, belts, pills and stand on bridges and of course nothing happens. Just can’t shake this feeling that I want to and it feels real. It’s such a catch 22

Username: pl1839176pl1839176

Date posted: 21d ago

ocd is very tricky. it plays games with your mind and makes you struggle to differentiate real feelings and thoughts vs intrusive thoughts and feelings. it’s all just ocd playing games with you. you trust yourself, you know what is right, it’s not real. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN OCD

Username: Cherno Cherno

Date posted: 21d ago

I suffer from this form of OCD too. I don’t want to commit suicide or self harm but thoughts are constantly on my mind from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. “I’m going to kill my self”, “what if start self harming”, “what if I get overwhelmed with life then kill myself”, “what if I get so hopeless that I decide to end my life”, “what if self harm with a box cutter”, “what if hang myself”, “what if end my life and hurt my family”, “I want to live”, “I have to stuff to live for and look forward too”, “what if it’s not OCD and I’m actually suicidal”, “what if I go to hell for ending my life”, and so on. I then start researching the difference between suicidal OCD and suicidal ideation. Everyday I research the difference. It’s so insane and not a second goes by. I live a very difficult life. Last year I suffered from HOCD and that was also very scary. There have been times where I have wanted to die but I never wanted to commit suicide. I have never set out a plan to commit suicide but these thoughts don’t stop.

Username: Jake TJake T

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21d ago

My biggest themes are harm in suicidal OCD. This is how it works OCD will go through everything it's all the same nonsense I know it doesn't feel like it but it is The only reason I say that is because the same thing works through your exposures and learn to slowly let those thoughts and feelings be there over and over and over again. The one thing I will say is it gets better the content times get longer and more consistent

Username: Phillycoins2 Phillycoins2

Date posted: 21d ago

I have suffered this exactly for over a decade

Username: Cherno Cherno

Date posted: 21d ago

@Phillycoins2 How did you cope?

Username: Phillycoins2 Phillycoins2

Date posted: 21d ago

@Cherno It's very, very hard

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 3y ago

Hey y’all i need to know if someone relates to what I’m going through. I feel almost like if I wanted to act on my thoughts but I actually don’t because this doesn’t please me at all. So if someone told me “You have Harm OCD” I would be like “really? So I don’t wanna harm people? Neither am I capable?” I have no clue why would that be my answer when I haven’t desired anything. But somehow it makes me feel like I do, and consequently makes me feel like I’m in denial. So it feels like if an unconscious part of me wants to do it but I am just resisting. I literally can’t go anywhere, I don’t wanna live any second more, because I feel so disturbed all the time. I feel like I’m gonna end up doing it, I feel so overwhelmed by these feelings,thoughts, images, urges, that I would avoid everything, like going anywhere. I hate feeling like this but I feel like there’s no way back, i can’t picture myself being good in the future because I feel like “this is what i want” when it’s not. I feel like it’s a time bomb for me to do something. I do not tolerate this, every minute that passes by I feel it closer to happen. I feel like I’m gonna collapse and act on it. I don’t even know if that’s what I want, but I don’t think it is, I think it just feels like it. Help I don’t know what to do.

Harm OCD

Username: Catlove9

Date posted: 1y ago

Does not feel like OCD

I am not sure how to even describe what I am going through. And even typing this, I feel like a liar and feel like this is not even OCD. I have Harm OCD. I have had the thoughts, urges, and images. It has felt so real and so scary. I have been able to use ERP for all of that and was mainly successful. But now something new is happening and it does not feel like it is OCD. I cannot even put into words what it feels like, but I will try. It feels like the thoughts have overtaken me and now I’m this evil person who will act on the thoughts. My anxiety is not super high, which scares me because it feels like I have gone too far into the dark side. It feels like I have had these thoughts too long and they are all I can think about. It feels like I’m no longer myself and my identity has changed. I feel very weird. Like not even myself. It feels like there is this dark cloud following me and I try to use ERP but it does not feel like it is working. Not sure if I am ruminating or not because I have no idea what is even going on. I am living my life still, but it feels like it is just a matter of time until I snap. I am very scared right now because I’m not sure what this means and I cannot figure it out. I wish I could explain it perfectly but I do not even know how to put it into words.

Harm OCD

Username: Nate S

Date posted: 1y ago

existential ocd and harm ocd

I keep having this what if thought that we’re not real or in a coma and it’s followed by DP/DR. To make it worse it’s followed by harm OCD. Thoughts coming up such as “if nothings real then you can k*ll someone or yourself” or “only way to escape this feeling and dream is to k*ll yourself.” Even thought deep down I would never do anything to hurt myself or family. Just can’t seem to shake this thought and then combine that with DP/DR it’s crippling. I’ve dealt with this a while ago but it’s back and has consumed every waking moment. I’ve cried myself to sleep for a week now and I just want to go back to how I was a little while ago. Anyone else had this and how have you gotten through it or have any advice. I really really need some guidance and help. PLEASE RESPOND IF YOU HAVE ANY INPUT AND HELP!

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Can anyone offer insight on harm/suicidal ocd?

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