Suicidal OCD?

About a little over a year now I have had this constant feeling that “I’m going to die” or “need to die”. It started in the summer of 2023, then when fall came around it went away for a while. This past summer it began again and has continued since. I remember searching online “Why do I feel like I’m going to die?” That’s when I read about suicidal ideation. I wasn’t sure if it was that or if it was possibly another OCD flare up. These thoughts are just constantly lingering in the back of my head. Whether I’m at work or out doing something fun I get this really upsetting feeling that I’m going to die. I become panicky and cry a lot when I feel this come on. I’ve also been so terrified at the thought of death and what happens when you’re gone. It’s difficult to tell whether I’m depressed or if it’s suicide OCD. My brain always tells me “What if I actually want to die?” or “What if it’s not OCD and I’m actually just insane?” It is so debilitating living with this. I also have another thought saying “What if this is the only way to make things stop?” I get extremely worried about doing something bad to myself everyday. I can’t even tell what’s real or not anymore. Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice?

Username: LenaForever LenaForever

Date posted: 18d ago

Sometimes I feel this way too, I had suicidal ocd so bad to where I’d tell my parents repeatedly to take me to the hospital in case I did something bad to myself. I have intrusive thoughts like “you must be crazy, the only solution is to die.” It’s really hard. It’s like the littlest thing could happen and all of a sudden I believe that I MUST die. I’ve never gone through with it but the thought gives me anxiety. It was worse when I was struggling a lot and was feeling really bad. It sounds like you have suicidal ocd, and it’s a difficult thing. One thing that helps me is remembering that the “what if” thoughts aren’t real/don’t have any basis in reality and is just your OCD catastrophizing a situation to keep you hyper vigilant. You don’t need to listen to those, it’s always a lie.

Username: juless3juless3

Date posted: 18d ago

@LenaForever Last week I felt so bad, I was texting my parents saying I felt like I needed to go to the hospital. It was absolutely terrifying

Username: LenaForever LenaForever

Date posted: 18d ago

@juless3 It’s really scary but you’re not alone, and it will pass, I promise you.

Username: Philipp2024Philipp2024

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18d ago

@LenaForever Im very happy you got better, but I think your responses are still compulsive. Responding with “it’s just OCD” is arguing against it. Saying “you don’t need to listen to those, it’s always a lie” is arguing against it, because you are avoiding to live with the uncertainty of committing suicide. A more neutral response, in my opinion, would be “maybe I will kill myself, maybe I won’t”. My favorite exercise for suicidal OCD is going on the suicide watch subreddit and reading the posts of people being on the brink of committing suicide. Reading those is a big exposure and when I find myself ruminating I refocus on reading the posts (response prevention).

Username: LenaForever LenaForever

Date posted: 17d ago

@Philipp2024 Yes but separating your ocd from your real thoughts can be really helpful and a good start. Of course ERP is the way to go but when you’re already so triggered sometimes it feels impossible to do anything. Every OCD theme I’ve ever overcame has started with the thought “ I don’t need to think about this” and gradually I just learned to not care what happened either way, I accepted uncertainty. It’s not really arguing against it, just separating the thoughts from your own. Allowing them to be there but not really paying any mind. I don’t mean it to be something you repeat to yourself to make yourself feel better.

Username: Philipp2024Philipp2024

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17d ago

@LenaForever Right from response prevention comes acceptance of uncertainty. And having a neutral response helps with distancing yourself from the thoughts. I agree with both of those 🙂

Username: Cassi logrecoCassi logreco

Date posted: 18d ago

I'm not an expert, not even close but what one thing i know about OCD, is the "what ifs" I think it could be an OCD falre up. I've had those same thoughts before, even when I was young and I didn't know why I was afraid, but I knew I was always scared I was going to die and I would have anxiety or a panic attack. I think this is definitely OCD, and I know alot of people who have felt like that but it doesn't stick in their head like it does us with OCD where we overthink it, and being worried about doing something is also a sign, because you think about it and worry, even though you don't go through with it, its just anxiety, and maybe it could be a little depression, but writing this and saying how you feel I think it's an OCD flare up. I know im not an expert but I hope this helps somewhat. Remember your not the only one having these thoughts, and I wish you all the best!

Username: moe5moe5

Date posted: 17d ago

I got the obsession that I want to commit suicide. In the beginning I was very scared and didn't feel confident to tell my therapist about it. Eventually it got so high that I toldy phycoatreats that I have thought of suicide. He asked me do you want to kill yourself? I said no, he said it's just another obsession. I told it feels so real. He replied so did al your other obsessions feel real but just because you have a thought does that mean it's true? ?maybe? Additionally I think its important to understand that someone who want to commit suicide has a plan in place. However by with OCD you get anxiety without a plan. This is also what's known as thought actipn fusion where you think your thoughts of suicide can lead to action but it's not true it's just a thought. Also thoughts of suicide can be all or nothing Like or else I get this.... I want to kill myself Try challenging the all or nothing thinking and recognize that's obssesion

Username: juless3juless3

Date posted: 17d ago

@moe5 Thank you for sharing your experience! I am going to try my best to challenge my thoughts. Right now I’m starting to feel so miserable inside to where I’m wondering if the thoughts are real.

Username: moe5moe5

Date posted: 17d ago

Analyzing trying to evaluate, compare, suppress will lead you to an endless loop of rumination Try accepting the thought and work slowly to get better

Username: holytropical!

Date posted: 5y ago

(PLEASE HELP IM BEGGING!) Hey guys, right now I’m having suicidal OCD and it’s really fucking scaring me because I know I want to live but it’s feeling like I’m going to end my life any second or any day now and that I’m going to die soon, and I’m afraid that I’m going to come up with a plan and go through with it, or say fuck it, I don’t care about recovery, be selfish and just do it. I’m SO scared I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know if these are real suicidal thoughts or just my OCD attacking me and I’m genuinely scared for my life. It’s like every second of the day I get a stupid intrusive suicidal thought and it makes me feel like I’m really suicidal and that I don’t want to live anymore, for ANYTHING positive I hear, I twist it and make it negative and tell myself, you’re going to die soon, or you’re gonna kill yourself anyway, you don’t have a future, you don’t care anymore. I even feel a lil bit down and sad when I get these thoughts and I start to feel depersonalization, I almost feel depressed when I get these thoughts all day and it makes me feel like I’m genuinely gonna get depressed and the suicidal thoughts will become REAL I’m so scared. Even when my parents tell me that I’m going to be ok and not do anything, I tell myself in my mind that I’m still going to go through with suicide and just kill myself. I don’t have a set plan and I’m afraid that I may develop a plan and want to go through with it. IM SCARED FOR MY LIFE! IM SO FUCKING SCARED PLEASE HELP PLEASE! Anyone that has gone through this PLEASE HELP! Going into a hospital won’t help because I’m not ACTUALLY suicidal but these thoughts make me FEEL like I am and it’s just SO confusing I don’t know what’s real and what’s not!!! PLEASE HELP ANYONE!!!! I’m so fucking scared ??

Harm OCD

Username: Cozy_dragon

Date posted: 2y ago

Ocd about being alive

At this point I’m pretty sure I’m psychotic. I have intrusive thoughts all day long of me doing a bunch of things that I never and will never do. Images of me poking out my own eyes in all sorts of other horrific things that will have to do with self mutilation. These images have been haunting me for two years with the persisting fear that I will act out on these things one day despite me never wanting to do so. Now on top of these thoughts I am dealing with something else. I keep thinking about the fact that there’s no escape from life other than death and it makes me feel scared and trapped. I can’t stop thinking about this that there’s no escape. It’s scaring me. I want to live I have no desire to die but once I get the intrusive thought about not being able to escape this life is scaring me. I believe I’m going through depersonalization because nothing feels right my surroundings feel unfamiliar I feel unfamiliar. I feel like an alien in a place that seems unknown to me. This all started after I had a panic attack in the shower three weeks ago over my intrusive harm thoughts and in the moment I actually thought that my life was over and that I was about to act out on it but of course I didn’t because it’s just a thought and an obsessive fear. Something I would never do but it felt so real in that momentI almost passed out from the fear. The day after that I felt like nothing was real and I’m still in depersonalization and having panic attacks on the regular but today I got that thought about not being able to escape life and how we’re basically all trapped here. I can’t stop thinking it and it’s making me feel sick. Maybe if I Felt more connected to myself and my surroundings stuff like this wouldn’t bother me but that panic attack destroyed me. Does this sound like OCD or something else?I was completely normal and fine three weeks ago yes I had my intrusive thoughts but they weren’t scaring me or controlling me like they are now.

Harm OCD

Username: Aislinndest

Date posted: 1y ago

Does this sound like ocd?

I can’t figure out if I’m really suicidal or just obsessing over the thought of it. Im to scared to even do it. I don't know if this is my OCD or what but for the past week or so it's been really bothering me these thoughts that I am on edge, scared. I haven't eaten in 3 days. I have imagined every single way of doing it, and everything and it makes me SICK. It feels like an urge at this point. I start to feel like maybe I could actually do it, then I feel myself about to go into a panic attack. I already feel derealization where this world doesn't feel real and nobody seems real to me, and my family feels like strangers and I'm just really scared. I feel very scared. I don't physically feel like I'm "here." I feel like my mind is lost. I feel like I just want to be at peace and then I think I’m seriously suicidal and the cycle just keeps repeating itself. Im sick to my stomach and terrified.

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