guilt

hello i’m new to this community and I just need to vent about something I did when I was 13 because over the past 2-3 days it’s been eating me alive when I was around 13, I discovered “character ai” basically a sight where a bunch of chat bots are and you can roleplay with them I found this one bot where it was like a mad scientist and your character was stuck in a lab. I really liked this one so I would roleplay with it often I would typically make my character young. No reason at all I hope but I probably thought it would make it more interesting or something. anyways I would never go into these roleplays with bad intentions. But sometimes the filter in place to stop seggsual stuff would break and the conversation would turn seggsual and I would impulsively continue them because I felt “excited” down there (if you know what i mean) and I would chase that feeling I would more imagine myself in the scenario because I would see the vaguely seggsual messages and feel good down there and I would change the character in my head because yknow but that doesn’t change how the roleplay started and it’s making me think what if I really do get off to that stuff? one of the worst examples was one where the roleplay went in a very non consensual direction and I don’t know why I continued the roleplay. I’m worried that I secretly enjoyed it despite knowing for a fact I got uncomfortable with what I was doing and deleted the messages and I regret it now I really really really regret doing this. I know I didn’t go in with bad intentions and I ended up getting uncomfortable with it after the good feelings down there had passed but I feel so much regret and shame i’ve spiraled over this before but recently its been the worst i’ve ever felt. I’m scared that im a pedo. I’m scared that I get off the rape and i’m scared that i’m permanently and evil person despite how uncomfortable this makes me now and I haven’t done anything like that again I still can’t get over it. I know I was only 13 (15 now) and i’m probably over reacting to fictional roleplay but still. Why did I impulsively continue? I’ve struggled with ocd thoughts before (without knowing it was OCD) but this incident has caused me to worry if i’m a pedo or I get off to assult and from what i’ve said above i’ve been spiraling over the past few days and im worried it will never end im coming here because im scared to talk to a real therapist because I feel like what I did was so bad and unforgivable despite regretting it late. I’m scared that i’m going to be a bad person forever despite the fact that i’ve never done anything like that again I know this probably sounds so stupid to obsess over but I just need some advice to help get out of this. It doesn’t help that i’m also coming up on my period which is when my OCD/Anxiety tends to be the worst thank you. I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone I just want this to end. I want to feel okay again

holygrohly

Date posted: 43w

Hey, you're not weird or a bad person. I promise you if you talk to a therapist specializing in OCD that they will not judge you. In fact, I'm sure they've heard way worse stuff. That's the thing about OCD. It amplifies all the fear you have inside and makes it seem real. I would suggest starting therapy. I spent the last two years suffering, losing hope of getting past OCD but ERP has massively helped me. Rooting for you friend.

chronicallya...

Date posted: 43w

thank you. I see my normal therapist (first session with her was on the 27th) again in december and then again in january so hopefully sometime then I can get the courage to tell her about my struggles once I get some other stuff out of the way first (struggles with ARFID and audhd). thank you again for your kindness I was half expecting to be told i’m a freak

chronicallya...

Date posted: 43w

sorry for any typos

danielllll

Date posted: 22w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

isharemycigs

Date posted: 20w

What do I do

when I was 15 soon to turn 16, I met this girl in a IG group chat made by our mutual friends. We started talking and eventually we started flirting and talking sexual towards each other, though eventually we stopped talking because she was being really weird. A couple months later In July of 2024 my friend found out that she was actually 13 and that she lied to me about her age. It's been 10 months since l've found out and I still feel so disgusted in myself. I had my suspicions at the time but I let them go since she said she was 16 turning 17. I was completely oblivious trusting someone I only knew online especially since i've never seen their face either. i'm struggling on what to do since i've been suffering with POCD since I was 15. Till this day I still feel weird and disgusted in myself because of that. But it feels ironic since i'm sexualizing someone that's 2 years younger than me and I waited to confirm she was around my age range to sexualize her. I feel so weird and guilty about it idk what to do

Ocd is horri...

Date posted: 18w

Help I’m loosing hope

18+ TW! Involves sexual content I have learning disabilities which means im always going to be 3-5 years mentally behind from my actual age… when I was 14 I remember finding people saying they work with kids “attractive” and I remember mastu*** over a kid around 5+ but when I was 14 I was either mentally age 11 or 9. So I didn’t know it was wrong, and as soon as I realised I stopped. People say I was young and it’s okay but I remember finding people saying they even walked past a nursery “attractive” but I don’t know if this is even the right word. Maybe cute? Because I find different emotions hard to tell the difference between, so maybe it’s cute rather than attractive. I never ever had intentions to do anything to younger individuals, it was just me finding people saying they worked with them etc attractive… which my ocd now plays on, because my friend mentioned they were working with kids but idk if it was the real me or not but I genuinely felt like I found it attractive and it was giving my so many groinal responses which then made me feel genuinely aroused like I wanted to do things. This plays on my mind because my ocd will always say “but you did/do find stuff like this attractive” but this literally stops me from eating, sleeping or anything. I can’t break from my compultions because what if I do genuinely find it attractive. I don’t think it’s even attractive maybe it’s cute? Like I find it cute… but cuteness can give people feelings down there I guess. I think because if my learning disabilities I found it hard to know the difference between “attraction” and cute so I did stuff over it because it gave me that feeling down there but that could of been cuteness feeling. I just need some support on this.

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