Username: Callista Moore

Date posted: 5w ago

What is this?

This might be asking for reassurance but I’m at a point I’m not sure if this is ocd and who better to ask than you guys. Also want to mention I have been to a psychologist who diagnosed me with ocd and I’ve tried to seek therapy through NOCD but had a bad experience so I’m just looking for an opinion I’ll take with a grain of salt. I’ve been through bouts of pocd that I got through but now it’s morphed into something that feels so different. It’s like harm ocd and pocd together and it revolves around my daughter. Before this happened I was a loving mother who valued my kid more than anything. Now this is happening and it feels so sinister. I’m getting urges to do something bad and I get these feelings like I want to do that and it’s like my brain gets foggy and my values slip away and I feel like I could do it. But then I get a moment of clarity and I’m like wait a minute I’ve never hurt anyone in my life nor have I ever thought about it and this is my child what is happening. But then I get that foggy brain again and it’s like I can’t see her as my child. I try to sit with it and it’s like I get this adrenaline rush and feel like I have to do it. But I know I don’t want to do that, but then it’s like trying to make me want to want to. I’m not sure if I’m just lacking insight and clarity because I’m overwhelmed with the groinals, urges, thoughts and feelings but I just keep obsessing over the fact that death is my only way out. I don’t understand what happened to me. It feels like this demonic oppression and I don’t know how to get through this one or if this is still something I can get through because it might not be ocd. I try to go with the thoughts and feelings and say yeah maybe, maybe not, or yeah I’m going to do that but it seems to fuel the feelings. I feel like I’m teetering between the person I was and this evil awful person who has no regard for others. I don’t want to be around my daughter and I’m just angry all the time. The fear and anxiety used to be something I relied on and I feel none of that now. I used to be able to say “well no matter what I feel or think I can control my actions” and now it feels like I cannot control my actions but I’ve never hurt anyone before. Someone please give it to me straight and tell me if you think this might not be ocd.

Username: hopefulxmesshopefulxmess

Date posted: 5w ago

I’m a mom with harm and pocd. Ocd for me started as postpartum ocd and i’ve struggled with it on and off ever since. I truly literally know what you’re going through. Ocd can make it feel so real and make you question and doubt yourself constantly. I’ve been going through a flare up for the past 2 weeks and it’s been torture. I push my kids away when all I really want to do is love and spend time with them. I wish I had advice but i’m struggling too. It’s so painful. I can tell you that it absolutely is ocd and you’re not insane or alone. I am always here to listen if you ever need it. I mean that. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this but you sharing this makes me feel less alone. I had a bad experience with a therapist too so I try to manage on my own and seek support here on this app from people who understand. Hang in there. Death is not the answer. I feel that way too alot but we have to be strong and hang on for our kids.

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 5w ago

@hopefulxmess I appreciate this comment so much. My brain feels so isolating especially with something so awful you can’t speak to anyone about. I feel like I get glimpses of myself but also feel like this evil person who wants to do these things and I’m just so tired. I think that maybe I can get through this and then I think about the fact that even if I get through this, it’s going to happen again and it’s a ridiculous loop. I feel like I’m losing myself and it’s an awful feeling, it’s like night and day something switched in me. Thank you so much for making me feel less alone.

Username: hopefulxmesshopefulxmess

Date posted: 5w ago

@Callista Moore I go through the exact same thing. I don’t have anyone but this app as far as people I can talk to about it. I’ll start to get past one thing and feel better and feel like myself again and then my ocd throws something else much worse at me and i’m stuck again. I’ve been so depressed and just can’t seem to shake it this past 2 weeks. I just hope it gets better for us both and soon and like I said please reach out to me if you need to.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

I have been going through something similar for the past several months. I have a precious baby boy that is turning a year old soon and it breaks my heart I feel I’ve missed so much time with him. There are moments I feel like I can’t even hold him in my arms because of my OCD thoughts and sensations (I’ve been officially diagnosed and have started medication as well). I have days I’m very hopeful - and other days where I feel completely hopeless. I just want to say you’re not alone. I feel alone often too - but I’ve come to realize there are a lot of parents going through the same thing - which makes me feel not as alone. The best anchor I have is remembering who I was before OCD and reminding myself that at my core - despite my OCD thoughts/sensations/urges - I know I love my boy more than anything and don’t desire any harm come to him. That’s the TRUE me - and I’m sure the TRUE you can say the same! Be strong for your little one - it isn’t easy at all - but they need us and we can’t let OCD put a wall up between us and our babies! Keep your head up! I also wanted to leave this resource with you. It’s an OCD therapist I found online that helps explain why we have some of the strange urges and sensations along with the intrusive thoughts. Hope it helps! https://youtu.be/D-uHJupEwpo?si=NU5HGotdHhDvlJ5A

Username: Kai95Kai95

Date posted: 4w ago

I had Incest OCD and i get how you feel. I used to feel like I even had arousal and "in love" feeling towards a family member. Imo these kind of OCD that involves emotional states and make you feel like you desire something are the hardest themes to overcome, since you cant rely on emotions to get reassurance. My way out of that was through Prozac (almost on max dose) and Xanax, both of them made me improve to 40%. I got out of the crisis when my mom got bronchitis, and my head decided to change topics sudenly. 1 week later, I was recovered almost 90%. Bad side of it is that I left treatment to prevent sleeping when my mom was sick, so make sure you dont abandon treatment unless approved by your psych.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

One final word of encouragement- I don’t know if you are a person of faith or not - but I’m a Christian and have found a base-level peace through this dark time by looking to Jesus. Especially during this Christmas season - it has helped to remember that God stepped into our suffering world and suffered alongside us. Scripture tells us that Jesus “co-suffers” with us even today - meaning He feels the pain you are feeling and He is with you in it. So, you are certainly never alone - and He is right there beside you feeling your hurt. Also, something that has helped me with acceptance is knowing no matter what - if your heart is still beating and you have breath in your lungs - God still has a purpose for you. No matter what mistakes you might have made or will make (OCD wants us to feel like we have to be perfect in every way) - as long as we are here - God loves you, wants to know you, and has a purpose for you - even in your suffering. This is a very short book (each chapter 5 pages) on the heart of Jesus for us. Obviously it doesn’t take away our OCD, but it at least lets us know He cares about and feels our sufferings with us. It was comforting to me, hopefully it will be to you to :) https://a.co/d/673tKiB

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 5w ago

@Anonymous Thank you so much for this. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to ignore you I just didn’t get the notifications for these. Yes I am a Christian and that’s what makes this so hard because I speak to God and tell him I may not be perfect but I have never wanted to harm anyone and ask him to help me through this. Sometimes I think maybe this is a test or maybe somewhere along the way I exposed myself to something he wasn’t happy with and have opened myself up to spiritual warfare and just need to fight but it feels so impossible.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

@Anonymous I am a Christian as well and the ocd attacks my faith ferociously trying to make me think I want to rebel against God and it feels so real! It’s devastating bc I used to turn to Scripture, but now it turns everything around and twists the Scripture w these accusations against God. I hate it so much bc that was my foundation! Do you ever find that ocd tries to warp things about God? It feels so much like the enemy to me, but my therapist will only identify it as ocd.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

I can so relate to your post. I have always been so strong in my faith, but I have these moments where I feel compelled to reject God and commit a harmful act against others or myself. I long for the person I used to be, but wonder if this is the “true me” underneath. I’m always praying and asking God to change me if I do want these awful things. It’s such torment. I either want to just disappear or wake up and this never happened. Sometimes I’ll tell my husband that it feels like a nightmare and I’m just editing to wake up and he tells me it wasn’t real.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

@Anonymous *waiting to wake up

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 5w ago

@Anonymous You summed it up perfectly. I speak to god and ask him to help me, even if I have these feelings I hate the feeling of not being able to control myself. I hope everyday I seize up and then find out I have a brain tumor that’s been causing all of this or I wake up one day and forget any of this happened so I can be who I used to be. I feel like such a fake. It’s like I’m constantly in my head screaming that’s not real it’s not me and there’s this evil part just smiling. I’m so tired.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

@Callista Moore I said the same thing to my husband….what a relief it would be to be told I have a brain tumor causing this.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

@Callista Moore Also, I thought the same thing today about the actions. I always thought well if I need to live my whole life like this, as long as I don’t hurt anyone. But sometimes it’ll even feel like commands like “do it now!” It’s so terrible!! If someone told me to run 200 miles or give my right hand, those would be easier to accomplish than mentally trying to be rid of this thing.

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 5w ago

@Anonymous Dude yes, I wish every day for it to revolve around something else. I wish I had urges to cut off my own hand instead.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

@Callista Moore Harming people or rejecting God and ending up in hell are my worst fears, and the center of the ocd obsessions.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

@Callista Moore I’m not undermining the pain anyone goes through with the contamination ocd, bc I know that’s its own personal hell. But I’d take that over the ones I have. At least I’d feel that other people are safe and that I’m ok with God 😢

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

@Anonymous And it’s devastating at Christmas when I remember the old me enjoying this season so much. I feel like I’m grieving someone that died…the old me.

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 5w ago

@Anonymous I understand what you’re saying because it’s a thought every day. I sat in the bathroom last night explaining to my husband that i don’t understand this. I wish my brain would pick absolutely anything else. I told him I don’t understand how this is possible that my brain makes me feel like this, like I want something I don’t want and my brains trying to make me into this evil person with these disgusting feelings. It feels like my brain is trying to strip me of my values. I know with ocd you aren’t supposed to figure it out but how are you supposed to sit with being stuck and seeing no way out. I used to get moments where I knew for sure who I was and that hasn’t happened these last few weeks it just feels so real and I can’t grasp why my brains trying to convince me I’m this way. I’m sorry to people with contamination ocd but I would rather scrub my skin raw for hours as long as it didn’t affect how I feel about my own child.

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 5w ago

@Anonymous I feel this so much. Last month I was so excited, my brain wasn’t obsessing about hurting my daughter or looking at her weird and I felt as long as it wasn’t her I could get through and was so pumped for this Christmas and then in a blink of an eye it switched to her in the worst ways and for the last few weeks I’ve been wondering if I’m going to even make it to Christmas.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

@Callista Moore Do you take meds?

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 5w ago

@Anonymous I was on 25mg of Zoloft and after a month I felt great, my dr then upped it to 50 mg and that’s when my brain switched to this and was really suffering. I was planning ways to not be here anymore which I’m sorry to trigger people but it was worse than ever. I stopped cold turkey but am thinking about trying to get back on 25mg and staying there since it felt like it helped. I just know my ocd got worse before better and I’m scared of that.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

@Callista Moore Praying for both of us, sweetie 🙏🏻❤️

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 25d ago

@Callista Moore Hello! I was thinking of you and wondering how your Christmas went?💚❤️

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 25d ago

@Anonymous Things honestly have not been great. Christmas went ok but I feel like I’ve completely lost my values and anything that makes up me. I’m getting these feelings of wanting to do bad things and wanting to be bad and I don’t understand it. The feelings intensify when I pray and when I say “it’s not me”. I’m feeling really hopeless. I’m sorry to dump that on you tho, how was your Christmas and how have you been?

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 23d ago

@Callista Moore I could have written the same thing that you wrote. It’s so messed up. I struggled through the holidays just trying to pretend I was “normal,” but inside my head it’s like a battle between good and evil.

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 23d ago

@Anonymous I feel like evil is winning and there is no way back to my old self. I genuinely can’t wrap my head around it. I try to lean into the feelings and uncertainty and it’s like it feels even more real when I do that. When I got the feelings of wanting to do it I would run myself through the consequences of it to combat it and I think I broke my brain because it’s like I don’t care now. I can’t feel my feelings right.

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 23d ago

@Anonymous I hope you get through this. I’m sorry that’s how you felt as well, Christmas is supposed to be magical.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 23d ago

@Callista Moore I can’t believe how similar our experiences are

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 23d ago

@Anonymous Do you also feel like possessed? Idk if you have seen the movie “smile” but it feels like that, like an evil entity that wants you to kill yourself and destroys you to push you to that point. Idk if I’m just being overdramatic. I just feel so gone.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 23d ago

@Callista Moore My themes have mixed into a terrifying combination of harm, religious and scrupulosity. So I have lots and lots of devil/demon thoughts. My faith and family have always been the core of my being, so idek who I am anymore. My adult son was watching that movie and I could hear it and had this terrifying thought “get used to these demon sounds bc it’s how you’ll spend eternity.” While I was decorating my Christmas tree. The subsets have combined to write a narrative that I will kill my family or myself to rebel against God. Then I try to talk myself out of why I’d do such an ungrateful horrific act and it sends me deeper even giving me “reasons” why I’d do it. Like doubting my faith, things about God, things about what I truly “want.” It seems I’m different than other people on here storing messages. But maybe everyone thinks like that?

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 23d ago

@Anonymous *writing messages

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 23d ago

@Callista Moore So to answer your question…yes, I feel like I’ve somehow allowed evil to convince me to do something awful and I’m hanging by a thread not to follow through, almost like a dare? So sick.

Username: Callista MooreCallista Moore

Date posted: 23d ago

@Anonymous To a T what I’m going through. I feel the same way, I thought I was the only one experiencing it like this. I’m glad you’re not alone, you can reach out to me any time.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 23d ago

@Callista Moore I wish we could direct message on here, but I don’t think we can. 🤔

Username: Livelaughlov...

Date posted: 24w ago

Moms with pocd

Please someone shed some insight I am in pure panic mode and might go check myself in to a mental health facility. Well guys.. the other night I was giving my 1 year old a bath. Everything was going great. I wrapped him up in his towel after the bath, took him to his room and put him on the changing table for a clean diaper and pjs. I recall thinking during this interaction how well I had been doing with my ocd the last few days. I then decided to face a fear of mine and glance at my babies diaper area, something I avoid at all costs. Again just to face a fear, I had zero ill intent. This made me uncomfortable. Next as I went to put his diaper on and this is where my memory gets fuzzy. All I know is that I purposely allowed my hand to touch his diaper area. There was literally zero thought behind it I just did it, I don’t know why. I will say I am certain I DID NOT DO THIS WILL ILL INTENT!! I would NEVER!! But I made a split second choice and let my hand touch. I didn’t even think through the action it all happened so fast. I feel absolutely horrible, disgusting, like I don’t deserve to be a mom.. I swear I didn’t do it for any sexual reason whatsoever but I still feel so awful I can’t live with myself right now.

Username: niknicole

Date posted: 21w ago

Help

I haven’t been diagnosed yet but I honestly think I have POCD. I have been getting a lot of images or thoughts of children lately, like sexually too and it’s been very disturbing. The thoughts have been nonstop. I have three nephews at home and I’m scared that if I look at them for too long or make eye contact, then that means I’m attracted to them. I have been avoiding them for the past few days and when I hung out with my friend the other day, we were talking about our future and it made me feel so anxious and sad and guilty because of these thoughts I’ve been having. I have to keep telling myself that I know I don’t feel attracted to them in any way but then the question pops up, like “are you really sure about that?” I almost committed a few days ago because of it and the only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t want to leave my mom or my sister. I did some self harm too and I have to keep reminding myself that if I really felt that way towards kids, then I wouldn’t be going through this much. I feel so guilty because I’ve broken down in front of my mom and she keeps asking what’s wrong but I feel like I can’t tell her. Yesterday and today though, I feel really out of place because I feel like I can’t feel anything when the thoughts come up and I don’t know if that’s normal. Does that mean I’m actually that kind of person? It genuinely scares me to even think about.

POCD

Username: Ellasmama

Date posted: 20w ago

I’m a mess.

Hi all. I posted on here last night but please bear with me as this is going to be long. I really need some advice. I’m 24 years old and I’ve never had any history of severe mental health issues or violent tendencies. Minor harm ocd through out the years, and anxiety, but nothing severe. I’ve had my pup for many years at this point and never had any desire to harm her in any way - in fact, I’ve spent many nights crying into her fur at the thought that someday she won’t be with me anymore and valuing/cherishing her like my child. Then two months ago I got hit with a sore throat and triggered by a tv show on the same day. My minor harm OCD turned into severe violent images, thoughts, feelings, you name it - against my pup. When it started it was usually knives, and it always came with a feeling of “omg I would never do that!” anxiety and compulsions to make sure, etc. I started therapy, got psych evaluations, everything, all to be told it was in fact OCD. Then, it kept going and going and going - through ERP, through RP messages; nothing helped, and it came down to where we are now. I have constant, severely violent feelings and thoughts. Stuff I don’t even like to mention. I know they say don’t focus on the content, but…when the content is you cutting up your best friend or eating her, or any of the other horrific things my mind tells me to do…it’s hard not to. Constant, 24/7 “urges” or feelings staying with me that I would or want to do these things I find gross and had no desire to do. But now it makes me question that because it feels like something in me wants to. I’ll have a thought, get an “urge”, or hear a word or get triggered, and I get this sort of adrenaline drop/crushing/frozen feeling through my head and chest. It feels kind of like fear, but also at the same time like my brain is trying to fantasize about these things. Like it likes them. And I’m numb to her for the most part - I look at her and I get these weird things that she’s just body parts. That’s what I see. And why I’m getting so scared. I never cared that she had that and now it feels like I would just do something to her because of it. Whenever I’m around her, it feels like this strange aversion to her, like I can’t get close to her without seeing her insides. I get images of basically her guts. Or her heart, etc. It’s like I’m freaked out that she’s a living creature. And at the same time, the harm thoughts are so brutal that they make me cry, but I still feel like I’d do them. It also gives me weird sensations when I think about losing her like I’d want to? It’s like opposite feelings to everything I’ve ever wanted. I have no hope left that this will ever leave or I’ll get better or be able to keep my dog. The harm thoughts are SO much more violent than anything I’ve ever seen anyone describe. Is there any hope for me? Should I just give my pup to someone else? Is this typical harm ocd or am I a dangerous psycho?

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