A mom so tired and defeated

@Someone99 How do you force yourself to not see the thought as true? To me, the thought is the truth. Is that common? It’s hard for me to separate the thoughts from my true self, and until I can do that I think I’ll be stuck.

@Anonymous You don't force yourself to do anything, that's the point. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't..., uncertainty. It's a thought. When you were young, you may have thought you were a princess, or a super hero. Were you? So why is it different now? We battle thoughts, that's the problem. Not the thought, the action we take because of the thought. Just a thought.

@Anonymous But really what you "force" yourself to do, is allow it, allow the uneasiness that comes with it. Don't react, don't research, don't roll on the floor with your head in your hands saying "stop" (like me), don't chant something 10 times hoping it'll go away (like me), just accept the uneasiness, and allow it to pass. And, with OCD, the problem is usually not the problem. Meaning, there's something in your life, in your soul that needs nurture and healing. OCD is the surface noise keeping us from real healing. :-)

@Anonymous I had a thought and feeling to throw my 6 year old son over the rail from the top deck of a cruise ship. I also had a thought and a feeling to throw the same son over the rail at Niagara falls. What did this mean? That I want to murder my son? That I'm a murderer? That I'm the worst person ever to walk on planet earth?

@Anonymous That son of mine is now 22 years old, a fine young man, and we have a wonderful relationship and can talk about absolutely anything. 🙂

@Anonymous And yes, I had challenges with diaper changes and other p stuff with nieces as well. So, I can relate. That was many years ago and my major these manifest themselves in other ways now, but it all comes down to this, the thought does not define us.

@Someone99 Thank you for sharing! Super helpful!!♥️

@Someone99 May I ask if ocd has ever attacked your faith?

@Anonymous Yes. Attack is an understatement. With OCD, we are very black and white. There's no room for grace towards ourselves.

@Someone99 I am absolutely full of self-loathing.

@Someone99 I didn’t know something like this was even humanly possible.

@Anonymous The problem I’m having now is that many well-meaning people at church that did not understand OCD guided me by telling me that this was a spiritual attack. That the thoughts were put there by demons or Satan. And this has been my truth for the last 15 years. So now I can’t help but see this all through a filter that I must’ve somehow lost the battle and am destined for hell. The more I tried to talk my way out of the ruminations over the last 8 months, the deeper I get in.

@Someone99 The thoughts now have me at the point of believing that I want to reject God and be in hell. Almost like a dare that “tempts” me to reject God and do something awful to myself or the people I love. My life rn is pretending the best I can to appear “normal” to my kids to shield them. I’m a shell of myself, and whenever I try to experience joy to any degree, the thought will come with a jolt of terror/adrenaline throughout my body. It’s surreal.

@Anonymous Wow, that's tough, and I'm so sorry this has been your experience. Have you been able to speak with an OCD therapist?

@Anonymous I was convinced I deserved the deepest depth of hell and punishment

@Anonymous What is your main theme?

@Someone99 I am currently seeing a NOCD therapist, but am having a VERY hard time trying to deprogram my mind that this is a mental health disorder. Even a prior counselor told me the thoughts were demons and we’d go through prayers of confession. And a very close father figure would tell me I should yell out rebuking Satan. I really feel I’m just too far gone.

@Anonymous I’m so sorry you are going through this - I can relate. My mom told me I was possessed by a demon when I developed harm OCD and that praying to her god would be the only way to fix it. An OCD therapist would really be able to help you if you don’t have one already!

@Anonymous It's extremely important to understand the truth of God's written word. What does Romans 8:1 say? "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". No condemnation. But I feel like, but I think I might be, but.... Are you in Christ? There is no condemnation.

@Anonymous This is exactly why Jesus came and gave Himself for us, yes even you. Gone too far? Just because of thoughts?

@Anonymous Meant to write "too far gone, because of thoughts?"

@Anonymous I'm not trying to claim I have the simple answer. I'm sorry if I'm coming off that way. This is difficult, and you've been struggling for a long, long time.

@Someone99 Yes oh my gosh! The diaper changes were the worse! Thank God those days are behind me! OCD f@cking sucks!

@jmiracler It does absolutely suck! Unfortunately it'll show it's ugly face in other ways. How are you doing these days?

@Someone99 OCD wise, decent. The religious thoughts have flared a bit but depression has been the WORSE here lately. The better off dead feelings just absolutely over take me some days

@Someone99 Not at all….I appreciate your input so much. I think I’m too far gone bc it “feels” like I want to reject God, even though that is my greatest fear! I have been a true follower of Christ since I’m in my 20s, Catholic school my whole life before that. I raised my 4 kids in a Christian home, taught Sunday school, homeschooled, loved being in a relationship w Christ and lead my life trying to folllw Him. I’ve distanced myself over the years bc I’d get triggered by certain things about Scripture. My counselor pointed out that I was avoiding. I loved everything pretty and wholesome and of Christ, and now it’s all gone. Bc I feel like I “want” these bad things, like there’s this evil part of me trying to convince me to do the contrary of who I always was.

@Someone99 My themes started as a kid, like as long as I can remember being alive I remember being afraid. Now looking back, it was always ocd. It was social phobia then into health related obsessions (relieved by going to the Dr and getting tests), then relationship related(always fearful I cheated on my husband bc of “thoughts”, relieved by confessing to him.) Then the harm ocd came when I had my 3rd child, then religious themes (distressing words about God). Now I have like a combination of subsets, but my counselor says scrupulosity and existential. And bc of this all I have entered into a clinical depression. Like I said, just feels like I “turned” somehow. Like my brain broke. And I’d literally give an arm to go back to who I was, loving God an others. And myself.

@Anonymous I actually spent about 7-8 years living like that. I accepted Jesus as my personal Savior in 1998, yet OCD was there in the shadows all my life. Religion then became a compulsion, like what I would do to fix something, etc. I had several major breakdowns till finally last year I met with a NOCD therapist amd started ERP. Once that was becoming successful after a couple months, I was then able to understand where my faith is rooted and unconditional love of God

@Someone99 I thought I did accept Jesus as my personal Saviour 20 years ago. I felt and enjoyed His presence and was touched by His ways. I would direct my decisions by asking what would He do or want me to do. Others have said they can feel His light and warmth through me. But maybe it was all OCD and was never real? I can’t tell what is what anymore. My feelings and thoughts are all messed up. I’ve never felt so lost, and my only hope is that He will rescue me.

@Anonymous He's willing and able to rescue you, and anyone at any time. If you have received Him and His sacrifice as the payment for your sin, that is secure, in stone. That's the new covenant He spoke of, and came to establish. No need to question that. The faith comes from living it. Like forgiveness for example. "I'll never forgive myself" is what I believed. (I had an affair and destroyed my marriage, many years after 1998). I've come to realize it's not about forgiving myself, it's my willingness to live by faith and accept 1 John 1:9 "if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." So, by faith I'm forgiven, but not only forgiven, I'm cleansed or purified from all unrighteousness!!! Wow. So, our sin as children of God won't send us to hell, however, it will rob us of the ability to worship God on all we do.

@Anonymous Jesus loves you just the way you are. That unconditional love began before time as we know it, and will last for eternity. Nothing can change His love for you.

@Someone99 I’m afraid the ocd will trick me into rejecting Him. 💔

@Anonymous The salvation experience is often accompanied by emotions, it was for me. And emotions drove my early years as a believer. But as time goes on, it's much deeper and secured by God's promises in His word. His word never changes. Our thoughts and emotions do and will, but God's truth endures forever.

@Anonymous What's the verse that speaks about us being in His hand and no one can pluck us out? He'll never leave you or forsake you. Come to Him broken, with nothing to hide.

@Someone99 Oh gosh thank you this is my only hope…that He won’t let me go. You said earlier about ocd sort of masking something deeper that is broken and needs healing. Before this recent episode, I had been praying consistently that I could love Him more deeply, love others more deeply and even myself. I felt something was off, and now looking back I think what was off was me avoiding Him bc certain Scripture would trigger unanswerable questions, which now I’m thinking was OCD being sneaky. And me avoiding only grew it. My hope is that I’m walking through the fire as an answer to those prayers to be who He created me to be. But tbh I’m so hurt that He would allow this much pain. I feel like my brain broke. My heart is broken, my self-esteem, my purpose.

@Someone99 Yesterday I was too upset to even post but I know I need the support so today I posted. I’m still struggling with it. Your words do sink in and help so much. I just feel like I wake up every morning telling myself it’s a fresh start and keep my mind focused on the day ahead but the ocd always sneaks in and I can shrug it off for the most part but it always targets someone I love to get me to break. I wish I was strong enough not to break. 😪

@Anonymous He knows you're hurt and pain. Sometimes we don't get the answers we think we want and need. But I'm convinced God always wants us to draw closer to Him through anything, good and bad. OCD can definitely wreak havoc on our faith. Have you heard of Mark DeJesus? He's an ex pastor/OCD survivor. Search him on YouTube, his teachings have helped me tremendously with religious OCD. Every day is a new day, today can be the first day of the rest of your life. :-)

@Anonymous I feel the same way hun

@hopefulxmess *hugs* OCD is sneaky and always finds a way in. It also makes us think "this is different than the other trigger so nothing will work that worked before", etc. And this also shows you're a kind, loving person who values family and friends. You're actually defending your loved ones from yourself. Thing is, you don't need to, you're not a danger to them. These are just thoughts, not you. And I really want to be able to contact you...🫣

@hopefulxmess Just stay warm! Not sure where you're from, it's 8 degrees outside here! 🥶

@Someone99 Got ya! So at work today in the emergency room I had to do a blood draw on 631 patients and then do 590 ekg’s and tomorrow I have to pull 4783 patient records. Being a medical assistant in the ER is stressful!

@hopefulxmess You work in a very busy ER! 😉

@hopefulxmess I find it's helpful on stressful days to let me know if you got my message. It helps with OCD thoughts. 🙂

@Lg_134 That’s exactly how the ocd has me feeling. It’s horrible. It makes you question and doubt yourself because it seems so real.

@hulder Thank you so much for sharing. It’s the most painful theme.

@hopefulxmess Of course! Some days are tougher than others. I try to take it one day at a time.