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Hey there guys, so this is just annoying. I had dealt with ocd regarding my health in the past but didn’t even recognize it was ocd because it didn’t come after anyone but me. When it switched to pocd is when I finally went and saw a therapist and got my diagnoses. At that time I was very distressed and had constant anxiety and felt sick to my stomach. Now I’ve gone through a few changes in theme and with this one I can’t tell if I feel distressed at all? I’m not sure if I have just gotten used to having a lot of anxiety all the time that it just doesn’t feel the same? I do know that when the thoughts come and the feelings hit me, it doesn’t make sense to me. I have an issue with questioning it and trying to figure it out but it won’t seem to let go. I tell myself so what and my answer is no not so what this isn’t ok but then I get the feeling like I want to do the thought or like the thought and then I have to suck in a deep breath but it doesn’t feel like distress? But it makes me miserable? Not trying to ask for reassurance but damn this mind trip is so annoying and utterly confusing. It feels like the person I once was is gone and life can’t go on. Why do I feel so stuck within my own brain.

Ishtar._

Date posted: 34w

i understand you completely! i also had health OCD when i was 16, i swore i was going to die and that i had a brain tumor, and it was exactly as you said, i didn't know it was OCD because it didn't affect anyone but me.. but now, POCD (i'm not diagnosed yet, it's good to make it clear, i'm not diagnosed with anything), it's like i'm "fighting" against a side of me, evil, cruel and sadistic. i built a morality that i was proud of, over the years, but now, everything goes down the drain.. It's like I like it precisely because it's wrong and forbidden, as if something inside me knows that I like it and that's it! but it leaves me panicked and scared of myself. access to inappropriate content at a very early age, which i have already consumed unintentionally, sexual trauma and even a complicated history in childhood, which unfortunately continued.. all of this works together, if i'm not mistaken.. you are not alone, and this feeling of feeling lost is common. You have a diagnosis, and even though the doubt doesn't go away, you know it's because of a damn disorder. Whenever you need to vent, you can do it with your therapist, or with artificial intelligence (chat GPT), or even around here.. you are very strong and determined, you long for life and who you were before! that's what matters. you are what you do, not what you think. in my country, there is a singer called Belchior, and he has a song that says "i want what the soul desires, not what the head thinks". trust me, you're doing well! lots of strength to keep fighting..🫂

allthethings2.0

Date posted: 33w

I 100% feel this way too. I’m 3 months in and even thought the triggers have gone down, it’s like my mind is telling me I’m accepting this. I think the important thing to know is if we aren’t fighting something, it doesn’t mean we are accepting it. We just don’t want to fear it anymore which should have been met with the first trigger that set it off. How are you doing now?

Callista Moore

Date posted: 33w

@allthethings2.0 I’m alive and haven’t hurt anyone and that’s something. Feel like this is the new me now and there’s no way out. I can’t even feel fear anymore. I get no moments of clarity or moments where I feel like me which I used to get when I went through this before and I’m just at the end of my rope. I hope for those actually struggling with ocd things get better and you hold on to the little moments of peace.

allthethings2.0

Date posted: 33w

@Callista Moore Have you tried any medication?

Callista Moore

Date posted: 33w

@allthethings2.0 I did I tried Zoloft and that’s when this most recent “episode” started. Honestly I felt that it was helping but then they upped my dose and it’s like my brain changed and even after almost a month off it cold turkey I feel even worse.

allthethings2.0

Date posted: 33w

@Callista Moore I sometimes wonder if just a few doses of Xanax did this to me. I have spoken to someone else who said lexapro brought on harm ocd for her.

Callista Moore

Date posted: 33w

@allthethings2.0 It just doesn’t feel like ocd anymore, it’s like this evil part of me was unlocked and I just feel like the safest thing for my daughter is for me to not be here anymore.

allthethings2.0

Date posted: 33w

@Callista Moore Okay. Hold on though because that’s how my current mindset is. I have two teenage boys that I know that will need me and so will your daughter. There has to be an explanation on why we are feeling this way when we stop fighting them. Please message me if you want.

Callista Moore

Date posted: 33w

@allthethings2.0 There’s no direct messaging on here.

allthethings2.0

Date posted: 33w

@Callista Moore I didn’t realize that. Have you joined the OCD and Intrusive Tboughts Facebook page?

Callista Moore

Date posted: 33w

@allthethings2.0 No I don’t have a Facebook anymore, I have an instagram

Luke_McElwee

Date posted: 25w

Losing my shit, freaking out

Idk if this post is even worth it but it seemed like a normal day for me, called off work due to the weather so I get to just stay home and play games all day. Easy day besides dealing with the constant and unbearable battle with my intrusive thoughts/feelings. Took a shower and I just had constant thoughts, (heart palpitations are pretty constant) ended up breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I was diagnosed with HOCD and ROCD about 2 months ago and since it's just gotten worse. It feels as real as it can get and after talking to my girlfriend about the anxiety attack, it feels even more real. I have no desire or enjoyment from what comes from my brain, and at this point I'm on my knees begging the big man upstairs for my old life back, how do I go from being obsessed with women (sexually and emotionally) to pretty much doing a 180 overnight (with the obvious anxiety and worry behind it. No real desire obviously). I'm just at a loss, I've done a little ERP and it seemed to help with the brain fog but besides that, everything that it does to someone, I have. And again there's the doubt I even have OCD and I'm in straight denial. It just sucks.

HOY

Date posted: 20w

False arousal and uncertainty

Just gonna vent, this never happened to me before during my 20 years alive. Whether it is POCD or not, I have truly lost my sense of self and my innocence. Why of all things did this have to happen. Ive been experiencing more strong groinal responses and mixed feelings of arousal regarding specific thoughts. Its so odd, cause last month none of this happened, it was mainly just anxiety and mental breakdowns. Never did I think I would experience physical sensations as well. Acting on compulsions as well left me feeling absolute confusion, Ive stopped doing that but now I get the urge here and there, and Ive learned to sit with the discomfort. All this leaves me with more questions on whether I will truly get through this or not, or if people will understand my situation. On certain days I feel fine, on other days its sheer terror. I blame myself mainly for this all, It is scary as these images, causing both arousal and terror, only result in me feeling like a shell of my former self

POCD

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

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