- Date posted
- 33w
Struggling with Severe Somatic OCD
Hey everyone, so I’m not able to see my therapist again until next week, and I’m honestly struggling really bad. I just need some advice I guess, or if anyone’s been through the same thing/something similar. But for the past month, I’ve been struggling heavily with the hyper awareness of my own swallowing, and it’s kind of transformed into something that’s unbearable. I previously had an episode with somatic ocd four years ago, but it’s nothing like this. I am terrified of drinking liquids and eating, because I’m scared I’m going to aspirate them. And everytime I do, I actually do end up inhaling them. So because of this I’m constantly coughing, almost every second of the day. I then suddenly had a thought about “What if your coughs weren’t strong enough to cough it all up?” and now I’m also hyper aware of my own coughing, and I’ve realized I now cough more slowly and not as effectively because I’m thinking about it so much. I have lost so much weight because of this and it’s very scary. I can’t swallow pills anymore because they get stuck in my throat, and I’ve had a few that are still in there from weeks ago. Because when I cough, it’s stopping things from sliding down my esophagus properly. So they just stay stuck. I don’t know how I’m supposed to properly take my meds with this all happening, because they’re supposed to help me get better. It’s like what I’m experiencing is similar to dysphagia. I also don’t sleep at all anymore, because I’m also aware of my own saliva, so when I’m attempting to sleep I’m constantly swallowing, and I also have things stuck near my airway, like stuff I’ve coughed up that’s mixed with mucus and won’t slide down, so it’s like everytime I swallow it gets pushed back down in my airway, and the cycle continues. I feel like I’m losing my mind, and I’m also scared my boyfriends going to leave me because of how stressful it is for him. It’s also making me insecure as well, because he takes care of himself and I’m sickly looking and very skinny. I’m thinking maybe this is all happening because I’ve had a lot of life stressors recently, and have had to move locations. I’m going to continue to tell my therapist about all of this, but for now this is all I can do. I don’t want to go to the hospital, either, as I’ve gone recently and it was extremely traumatic because I was sleep deprived and was there all by myself with nobody to comfort me. My dad also yelled at me recently to eat and said I’m playing mind games, and I was so uncomfortable and sobbed the whole time. Im also being forced to start looking for a job by tomorrow, and I can’t even function at home really so I have no idea how I’m supposed to do this. Being in public is also another fear I developed, because I don’t want people to hear me coughing and just sounding or looking insane. I am hoping ERP will help me in this, but I’m not sure how it will yet. I want my future to be bright, and struggling with that uncertainty is difficult. For anyone who’s read this entire thing, thank you. I appreciate it.