should I allow myself forgiveness

just don’t read if not familiar with POCD anyway so like a few months ago when I was yk doing the do with myself I was thinking abt my then bf and then suddenly I pictured my nephew and I was so disgusted by the thought that I stopped but I hated that I thought about it. Now i brushed it off after that because I realized that it was so immoral and disgusting but I feel immense guilt when I look at him or my sister. I avoid holding him now because I feel so ashamed of thinking of him . Once I think I did think abt him as well but then shifted to like ew no that’s gross and then stopped and continued as I thought about my then bf. But still why do these thoughts come up? Should I confess to my sister or forgive myself privately? I feel so compelled to say I’m sorry to her even when I have never done anything to my nephew. I’m just scared what if I’m a monster and am never able to have a normal relationship because my Pocd attaches itself to the kids in my life or even the people in my life such as loved ones. I’m terrified of myself and my body shivers at the thought of being a pedo or part taking in any incest acts.

Anonymous

Date posted: 31w

Aw I’m sorry this has caused you so much distress :( I’ve been there, I have had thoughts like these before during sex and I would spiral after and think that I need to confess But your mind is your mind you can’t stop thoughts from popping up, the more you think a thought is going to come it will and there’s nothing you can do about it- you don’t have control over your thoughts! You’re perfectly ok please don’t worry every single person has weird thoughts especially when you’re doing something sexual because your mind is racing. No one admits to having these thoughts but we all do x

anxiousashhh

Date posted: 31w

@Anonymous Thank you!! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself, even if I continued I would have shifted my thoughts to something else. But I think it’s because of the heat of the moment, my mind will just be everywhere. I just feel so nasty for thinking them even when I can’t control it. thank you for your kind words they really mean a lot in a time where I feel like I can’t speak to anyone else about this!

Anonymous

Date posted: 31w

@anxiousashhh Yeah see that’s the thing with those kind of thoughts you can’t really speak to anyone who doesn’t have OCD because they just don’t get it and in turn that wouldn’t help you. No you’re absolutely fine the more you realise you will have those thoughts now and again the more you can accept them

anxiousashhh

Date posted: 31w

@Anonymous Right now I’m just fighting the urge to tell anyone , like my mom about it and plead for her forgiveness idk how to get through this.

Anonymous

Date posted: 31w

@anxiousashhh But what would the outcome be? You’re just looking for reassurance. They would tell you it’s fine you’re normal but then you would overthink it another time because you gave in to what your mind is telling you to do. Trust me my parents know nothing about me because they would just make it worse because they don’t understand mental health etc. people don’t need to know every detail of your life- let alone your thoughts! Because that is a slippery slope when you have OCD trust me you’ll confess that weird thought and then you’ll be like shit I should really tell them about this other weird one I had and this thing I did in the past etc

Anonymous

Date posted: 31w

@anxiousashhh You are worth so much more than what your mind is telling you

anxiousashhh

Date posted: 31w

@Anonymous This helped me so much more than you know!! I am actually guilty of confessing and over confessing. I constantly feel like once I say something I have to say something else like I can’t have any privacy. But it’s weird because before my OCD flared up I was able to maintain my own feelings , I hope that with a path to recovery I’m able to be happy with myself and control my compulsions.

Anonymous

Date posted: 31w

@anxiousashhh I’m so glad! I’m the same when I had friends (I pushed everyone away) I would always think I wasn’t good enough because I didn’t tell them every single thought I had or about very detail of my past, it ate me alive. But I’ve got much better I think at dealing with it

anxiousashhh

Date posted: 31w

@Anonymous No seriously , I want to live in solidarity sometimes because of every mistake I’ve made. But this mistake in particular just has me spiraling today. However, i think that the compulsions are trying to always take control of me when in reality it’s always about choice. I choose to live with my thoughts but I don’t give me them control of me or even guilt. Forgiving ourselves is pretty hard but I’m sure we can accomplish it :) <3

danielllll

Date posted: 16w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

sanshine

Date posted: 16w

I'm scared....

𝕊𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕟𝕥 😞𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎 ℙ𝕃𝔼𝔸𝕊𝔼 𝔻𝕆ℕ'𝕋 ℝ𝔼𝔸𝔻 𝕀𝔽 𝔼𝔸𝕊𝕀𝕃𝕐 𝔻𝕀𝕊𝕋𝕌ℝ𝔹𝔼𝔻 𝔹𝕐 𝕋ℍ𝔼𝕄𝔼𝕊 𝕎𝕀𝕋ℍ 𝕂𝕀𝔻𝕊 hi everyone, I am really struggling with something disturbing and I'm so afraid I'm a PDF. So my sis came to visit with my nephew for the first time. So the other day we were taking pics with the baby I was already feeling kinda nervous cuz I never held a baby before. Anyway it was my turn and I like I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him( not exactly the thought but the of thought was more graphic and I don't wanna disturb anyone). And I can't remember if I thought that while I was bumping him on my stomach (like how people bump babies on their hips) or before I started doing so. Anyways I can't really remember what my reaction to that thought was or if I started bumping him before or after I had that thought... So I tried not to think much of it but over time I started to spiral really bad and wonder why I thought that and why then I would bump him on my stomach after having that thought or during. I just feel so disgusted. Like was I curious about it? Did I disregard the thought because my brain thinks disturbing things? Ik right now away from that situation that ofc I have no sexual interest in my nephew at all. I played with him and helped changed diaper and everything and never had the urge to do anything inappropriate to him besides that one weird instance. So like I'm so disturbed like did that mean something? I have P OCD but that didn't really feel like an intrusive thought? I also can be very impulsive, and if it was impulsive does that mean I had a desire? Now I'm terrified of having kids even though I wanted some or to foster some. I mean I know but myself I'm not sexually attracted to kids but then why would I think that I am so disturbed really and feel so sick. 😞😞😞😞 I don't know what to do I'm so scared about what my motivation was I feel so bad and scared😞😞😞😞

POCD

sanshine

Date posted: 15w

Brain is frazzled adults only please

Worried about situation that happened with nephew new memory or not idk I'm scared Worried about situation that happened with nephew I'm so scared when I was holding my nephew I thought " I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him" ( not the exact words don't want to be extremely graphic) I began to bump him like how people bump babies on their hips he was on my stomach cuz that's how he was handed to me. Now I fear I remember also thinking if his diaper would stimulate his private part or something like that IDK LIKE I FEEL LIKE I REMEMBER THINKING THAT BUT ALSO DON'T??? LIKE O FEEL LIKE maybe I thought this at a different time for whatever weird reason but then I'm scared that it makes sense it would happen when I held him. Does it change the situation?????I feel extremely sick because I don't know why I would think that or if it was my brain or me. Idk if it was or wasn't cuz I felt his diaper against me? Was I curious if it would? It feels like I was curious but wth why???Was it just something weird I thought? Am I actually a monster? I had been having disturbing thoughts I'm pretty sure that were related to my POCD in general for a while before that. Ik my nephew didn't get hurt but I'm so scared why would I do something like that I feel so sick and disgusted. I know away from that situation I have no sexual interest or attraction towards him I'm just so freaked out and disgusted. I don't wanna be a bad person and I don't want my worst fear to be true.

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