Hoping this may help someone!

TRIGGER WARNING: ^just in case! I had just thought of making this post today. I know no one has really been keeping track of my journey with the OCD themes I have been struggling with. Or really knows at all. I did, however, want to share a light hearted update. I hope this may help anyone who could possibly be struggling with the same themes. I apologize if there are any typos or run-on sentences where it may be confusing! I’m trying to avoid making any errors! This will be a long post but hopefully a helpful one. I want to first start with backtracking a bit. The first time I posted on this app was 2 years ago and I was TERRIFIED. It’s not everyday you hear someone struggling with transgender OCD or sexual orientation OCD. It’s more common to hear about someone struggling with harm based OCD or relationship OCD. I for whatever reason one night had the thought that I was transgender. This jolted me awake and I could not go back to sleep. I don’t think I had put too much attention on my gender identity or in anyway felt deeply connected to my gender identity. I knew I was a woman and I didn’t think too much of it. I knew women have different behaviors and mannerisms than men. However, I genuinely just didn’t pay that much mind to it. This wasn’t until I had this random thought while I was trying to go to sleep that put me into an immediate panic. I was freaking out and had no idea what was going on. I felt like I didn’t know myself. I would look in the mirror and I could never recognize myself. I even had the hardest time just looking into a mirror in general; this lasted for a year maybe a year and a half. I still don’t look into mirrors often and not for any extended amount of time. Just enough to wash my face, put on makeup, the basics of getting ready and just doing check ups etc. When my ocd theme was at its worst however, every time I looked into the mirror I just never felt feminine and I never felt like I LOOKED feminine. I would struggle with this so much and the constant battle of not feeling feminine enough. I would cover my body in baggy clothes and would only get ready unless I absolutely had to. I did try to put effort into my appearance for days I had school etc. There was a moment however, that had helped me to understand what I wanted. I was always happy with being a woman it was never something I wanted to change. I had also always been attracted to men. I had told myself if this is who I am biologically and genetically, if I was born a woman then there was never a mistake that was made. I am a woman and I am NOT transgender. I have the biological body of a woman and I refuse to alter myself in anyway to identify as another gender. As crazy as it sounds, I feel as though it had helped me to understand and reconnect with my younger self that I had lost for a bit of time. I remember during COVID and lockdown, a few years before and after this time I was in high school and just beginning college. I had spent a majority of my time on my phone being numbed by scrolling past post after post and seeing endless amounts of different opinions. I feel like I didn’t understand myself, I didn’t know what I liked or didn’t. I had felt like everything I was ingesting and claiming to connect with I wasn’t actually connecting with or developing MY OWN opinion on. (This is my own fault, for not spending the time I should’ve off of social medias and the internet to establish my own identity. That’s something I try to avoid a lot these days.) However, this had helped me to really establish ground beliefs I have for myself. I feel as though I was constantly denying myself the things I actually really wanted I just didn’t know it. I refused the idea of getting married and I never liked the thought of having kids. Crazy enough though, this has opened my eyes to understand that I would actually really really really love those things. I feel like they are such important and fundamental parts of our lives that should be experienced. They are the beautiful moments of life that often get overlooked. Sharing your life with someone is so special and being able to build something with them that’s only scared between the two of you. Then to build a bigger home and caring for your family. I find that to be so amazing and I don’t want to miss something like that. This has helped me to understand how much more I truly love being a woman and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I love how strong women are and how enduring we are. I love how compassionate we are and sharing we are. I love being a more gentler person for someone to encounter, I love being kind to people and caring for them. I love having motherly instincts (even though I’m not a mother). There is so much beauty in our differences, between being a man and a woman, but I truly love being a woman. I can appreciate the beauty of a man and their strength and their ability to provide. However, that’s more something I admire and find attractive. It’s not necessarily what I see for myself or connect with. I do really love how I have established an opinion and standard for myself that I hold close. I feel as though it’s helped me in a way understand who I am. I oddly feel as though I’ve connected to a purpose. For as long as I could remember I never understood what that meant or what mine was supposed to be. It’s helped me to be so much more appreciative of the little things and to take full advantage of everything and anything I can. I’ve cried so much these past couple of years, as much as it’s so annoying to be the biggest crybaby I really wouldn’t have it any other way. I remember going years with not crying or being deeply emotionally connected to myself and constantly asking if there was something wrong with me? It’s helped me to care so much more for people and memories and life and the beauty of living. I did and still do have a list of compulsions I say to myself regularly, but especially when my theme was still new. I repeated three different phrases on rotation: I am a girl, I am a woman, I am feminine. When I first developed this theme I would say these to help prevent myself from having another intrusive thought. Furthermore, to help me connect with myself as the woman I am and wanted to be. As time had passed though, they took a turn in how they made me feel. I would repeat my compulsions in my head, but in a way they began to help me become more aware of myself and my life. There are a lot of things I want to accomplish and so much I want to do. So I couldn’t just let myself sit around and do nothing. I feel as though my compulsions helped me so much in starting to take action. I actually began taking my life and the things I wanted seriously. I want to become financially independent so I learned about Roth IRAS and High Yield Savings accounts (there’s still so much more I’d like to learn, but this was a good start). After learning about these things and implementing them into my life I could see first hand how this can really change someone’s life. I found a deep love for understanding the economy and personal finances ( I know boringggg ). I ended up deciding to switch my major to business instead of pre-health bio (a medical school pregrad degree) and being so much more confident in my decision. I’m now in my last year of school and I couldn’t be more excited to start a career in finances helping others understand and manage theirs. I am constantly trying to make sure I’m living life and experiencing all that I can. There’s so much more I want to do and so much more I’ll be taking part in. It truly does get better I didn’t think I’d see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know there’s still more work I have to do with my mental health and aiding in my OCD. This theme however was just so different and felt so taboo. I hated telling anyone about it. I was so scared to tell my therapist. I hope this may help someone in knowing that there is another side to it all. It takes a lot of work, trust me, it is exhausting, but hopefully you can realize the things you actually want for yourself and stand firm in those beliefs. Furthermore to also discover a new appreciation for yourself and your strength. I hope you’re able to grow a deeper appreciation for those around you. Especially those who are there for you through your toughest times and holding a special place for them. It’s easy to forget about the little things that truly can make life a little magical sometimes and a little bit more worth living and loving. I really hope this may help someone in any way. If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading. I’m so sorry it was so long!

Iloverowdy12

Date posted: 30w

Hey! I had this theme two not only once but twice! We should connect on socials :)

abbyb81

Date posted: 17w

I don't struggle with transgender ocd but I struggle with the one about being clean. my therapist is getting more into officially diagnosing me with ocd so we can be "permitted" to focus my therapy on ocd and not just whatever I want to talk about all the time but still have that as an option if I need a session to just vent. I have more info about my symptoms and stuff in my bio if you're interested. I need to find some people on social media or a site that educates people on ocd and the subtypes so I could read up on it. I saw that you were doomscrolling, and you said that kind of helped form some of your core beliefs so if you have those accounts and they're still up and you're okay with sharing them I'd really like to check them out. I think your story is truly beautiful in so many ways I've never seen before, and it is inspiring for me to see you having all of these breakthroughs after all of the dysphoria really gives me hope for my situation. I don't want this to be too long and not even mention how freaking strong you are!!!!! You sharing this with us after your 2 years of giving updates through your journey can be so incredibly empowering for someone who is still new to ocd to see that it DOES get better eventually even though it doesn't feel like these things could ever go away this shows that you really can get better (me included)!!!!

miss_anonymous

Date posted: 24w

*Long post* -ROCD

I’m almost 6 months in since I started ERP therapy. I’ve noticed little changes. I still have a long way to go. I feel myself growing a little impatient because I thought I’d be further and have everything figured out out by now, but this is a process. I’ve talked about my ex a lot on here and to my therapist. We’ve done some ERP procedures. Some have helped and some I’m still working on. I saw someone post something about how you’re attracted to your partner and then sometimes you’re not. I’ve been struggling w/ this for almost 2 years now. (The attraction). When I first met my ex I wasn’t attracted. I thought maybe over time the attraction would grow. We met in late June almost 2 years ago. I’m a little nervous posting what I’m finna post, but maybe someone is going though something similar. My birthday is in August so she had brought me a early birthday gift at the end of July. It was really sweet. She wasn’t able to come in August for my birthday so I went out with my family to a baseball game. I’ve talked to my mom, therapist (at the time), and cousin about what I’m about to say next and they all said, “I didn’t do anything wrong.” But I still believe I did bc I new better and I don’t think it had anything to do w/ ocd. I feel like this was my real feelings. I had a girl on snap I use to talk to about a year prior. I remember thinking I wanna see if she was gonna wish me a happy birthday so I filmed a video of myself drinking beer at a baseball game. I guess I posted it for her, she ended up seeing it, but didn’t text HBD on snap. Immediately I felt guilty and deleted it. But before posting it I thought about it and this next part is so messed up I still feel ashamed to this day but I had a thought that popped saying, “ she’s not that attractive anyways and she didn’t give u a good gift ..so post.” After I had that thought I did. I held onto that thought and felt guilt for an entire year. Now I don’t wanna tell her business on here, but there were things that were happening health wise and someone very close to her passed. It’s almost like I was trying to find the right moment to tell her and everytime I wanted to something happened. And I know that’s not her fault. I felt guilt everyday. I would pray to god saying “I cheated, she’s never gonna forgive me etc.” Everytime I saw her i felt bad and guilty and what’s she was going through. (By the way I told her about the whole snap chat thing minjs the attractive/ gift part) I just feel like there’s some things you shouldn’t say. I felt suicidal and felt this overwhelming anxiety. She told me that she’s been cheated on in the passed and I thought I was another girl who was gonna break her heart. And also if I knew that then why would I do that? So few months go by and I drive there and she drives to my house. She would offer to buy me things , but I felt I didn’t deserve that so I would always tell her, “no that’s okay.” Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore I had to talk to my mom about it. She told me I didn’t do anything wrong. But I’m asking myself why do I feel so guilty. Damn near crying every night . Eventually it went away because of that “reassurance.” And it was more about me posting that pic for that girl to see, not about her weight. So now it’s January of 2024, I felt better bc I explained to my mom about what happened, but now I new theme popped up. One day we were hanging out in her bedroom and I don’t know if I put my hand on her stomach or what , but I felt guilty. Like why would I do that? “Am I trying to make her skinnier?” So now I was stuck on her appearance. I felt like I couldn’t talk to her because instrusive thoughts would pop up here and there I couldn’t joy my time with her. I began to question myself am I in this relationship bc I feel bad what she’s going though health wise or do I really love her? I really do believe I loved her, but I almost can’t remember and my mind twisting everything. And why was my mind so fixated on her weight? It doesn’t matter and it shouldn’t matter. The amount of times I’ve looked up YouTube videos about “does attraction matter in a relationship?” I think you should be attracted , but it’s not everything. It’s about how the person makes you feel. She made me feel good, made me laugh and smile. She was easy to talk to. Idk I’m kinda getting confused with the definition of “Love.” Like what really is it? I thought love was loving someone unconditionally no matter what they look like. I remember being more attracted when she wore her hairstyle one way then another day it would be something different . So is that really love? I hear people say love is a choice all the time. Are you suppose to feel a spark all the time? Or does spark come and go? And I feel like if u didn’t feel attracted to them you wouldnt be intimate. I think my dads side of the family effected me and made me feel less confident and I felt bad bc that rubbed off on her. It’s like I was stressed and nervous what I thought they thought of her when they saw her and I took my anxiety out on her.😞 I tried my best to have a poker face and not let it get to me but it did. I tried to be the strong one for both of us. So sometimes I’m like she deserves someone better who’s proud to be with her. But I feel more confident than I did a year ago. Like if we were to go out, I would hold her hand. Also guys this the first time I came out to my family so it might have been right but everything was new to me. I thought telling her everything would make me feel better and it did, but now these thoughts are coming up again. We aren’t talking anymore. I feel like over time my OCD got worse and this wasn’t when I was diagnosed. I got diagnosed September of 2024. Idk I’ve talked to my mom a lot about this and I’m thankful that I have her. She was saying you were doing the best you could then. I feel like it wasn’t enough and she keeps saying, “you didn’t know what any of this was.” So idk the more I didn’t get help did I just go completely numb? I feel like I’m in denial and maybe I never was attracted. I don’t know I guess I felt like I was lying to her about how I felt. But I really do believe I was in love at one point and it just went away. Part of me questions if I didn’t have OCD would things have played out differently? And why do I find myself missing her more when I’m PMSING and when I’m on my period then when I’m not. It’s like I almost don’t care about her ask much and I don’t like that . I rather feel my emotions than feel numb. I try not to think about the “what ifs,” but I’m scared for the unknown. Like what if she meets someone else? What if I do? I’m almost scared to talk to someone new bc I feel like I’m gonna have negative thoughts about my ex. My mom says I should get back on dating sites to just see how I feel, but I’m not mentally ready for that. I’m the type of person who doesn’t adapt well with change and it takes me a long time to move on from someone. We technically been broken up since end of June. But tried to work things out and middle of January of this year she said she was basically “done for now.” I feel like I wore her out with my OCD and putting a lot of stress on her and she said that she felt like I made her my punching bag. Like that doesn’t make me feel good. I know she was trying her best to understand OCD. If you don’t have it, it’s hard to explain and understand. She’s definitely changed me for the better. 2 years ago i was a mess and completely broken. You can’t just forget about someone who’s helped you and was there for you and didn’t give up. But she got to the point where she told me “how much more can I take?” I didn’t realize she felt that way and I felt so guilty bc I never wanted her to get to that point. I feel like I lost her for good. And I’m not asking you guys to feel sorry for me. I know I could’ve done things better, but I’m trying to better myself now. Maybe one day we’ll find one another again or maybe we won’t. I’ll always love her tho. I guess I’m still having conflicting feelings. She feels like my person. She makes me feel good, she listens, she makes me laugh and she’s brought me closer to god. ✨🤍 I’m tryna stay strong and tryna fight. My cousin said something one time that resonated with me. She said, “my mind is my biggest bully” and its true. I posted yesterday about how I’m lost and feel anger, and confusion. I’m trying to have some faith. Is there any one that related to anything I mentioned or have a verse that helps them try and get through day by day? Also thank you for taking your time to hear me out and read this.

mari.201

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

Just want to sprinkle some hope here

I just completed a check in with my therapist today so naturally I reflected on my journey with OCD. Summer/Fall of 2023 feels like a swath of darkness. Bombarded with horrible intrusive thoughts, I thought my life was over. I did not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hated myself. Life lost meaning for me and it felt as if every hope and dream was shattered. Needless to say my life was lost to me during a time when I should have been enjoying it the most. I was post grad with a good job lined up. But none of it mattered- my mind was as broken. Thank God, I had some small voice in me that urged me forward and to get help. So I did. I felt so scared and unsure. Was I doing the wrong thing going to therapy? I was not. It was the best decision I made for myself. Fast forward to nearly two years later, my life couldn’t be more different. I see and feel the light. I have so much love and gratitude for myself and for everyone who helped me along the journey. My therapist, my family, all the brave content creators who openly speak about their experiences, no matter how taboo. I won’t lie, it was a lot of work. And I had to learn to be uncomfortable and deal with frustrations. I had to learn to trust myself. I still deal with sticky and intrusive thoughts but my response and my daily life despite them can not be more different. So I am here to be proof to you that there is so much hope. If you don’t have the little voice in you urging you forward, than I will be just that. Go to therapy, get help, put in the work. It is so worth it. Every time there is a setback, and there will be many, push through. Feel free to ask questions! But no reassurance will be given.

Mher545

Date posted: 19w

Going through a difficult breakup with OCD

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.

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