idk

I feel like I’ll never lead a normal life again with OCD, my thoughts have begun to be convince especially about POCD. I feel like so sad and down that this will be my life forever. I’ll never get to fall in love again without intrusive thoughts. I’ll never be worth falling in love with. I can never be intimate again. I’m just done, my life is over. I can’t even look at my nephew and niece anymore without the smile fading. It feels like I’m so nasty and then my brain convinces me this is how I feel. That there’s some part of me that is a p*do and that’s it. I’m a disgusting human being for that. I just feel hopeless

Username: nae naenae nae

Date posted: 5w ago

I've been struggling with the same thoughts again, but I've been trying to remind myself what the comment above said; bad people don't worry about whether or not they're bad people. I had two weeks where I felt amazing. The intrusive thoughts were still occasionally there, but I didn't care! But it's returned again, and while I'm upset that I've taken steps back, those two weeks of clarity give me hope that healing and recovery really is possible. It's happened for others, and it will happen for us. Don't give up just yet. The memories of life before this horrible theme also give me an ounce of hope, but it can feel very... distant. Especially when you're in the thick of these horrible thoughts every hour of the day. Just remember that OCD is ego-dystonic and often goes after things that we hold dear to our hearts. It's horrible... But that also means you aren't the monster this disorder is trying to convince you that you are. It's a liar and an enormous bully. I relate a lot to what you're going through. You aren't alone in this. :(

Username: ssilent ssilent

Date posted: 5w ago

Tight hugs friend. I deal with POCD too and I have gruesome thoughts that are in detail. What’s worse is I am dealing with back door spike as well so sometimes I wonder if it’s really me thinking these things or not. I also look at my kids and I have a blank stare, plus I am grouchy when they get close to me and I’m having a thought. I understand fully, this disorder is the worst. I’ve gotten slightly better but if you aren’t in therapy you should start.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

I also worry about this too. i constantly have thoughts saying no no no and try to stop thinking about it. i worry about it a lot. but someone once said that since we feel this way (disgust and dread) it’s because we don’t want this and we know it’s bad and we CARE that it’s bad. real p*dos don’t. so i try to remember that even though it doesn’t always help, maybe it will help sometimes.

Username: anxiousashhhanxiousashhh

Date posted: 5w ago

@Anonymous Yes I’ve heard that one as well! It just sucks that I’ve been convinced so much by my brain now I can’t see a way out. Maybe some day :( but for now I just feel guilt for everything.

Username: Jesse1982 Jesse1982

Date posted: 5w ago

Trust me you are not alone, I struggle with this too, but remember it's your heart that matters not your ocd brain. I'm 100% sure you are a great person. That's why it bothers you so much

Username: andrea_sam730andrea_sam730

Date posted: 4w ago

Sending hugs 💕

Username: daveypoo

Date posted: 23w ago

I’m scared I’m being a disgusting person

So I’m 15 and I first realized I had ocd when I was 13. It started with a bad dream I had that triggered intrusive thoughts. The theme of these thoughts were almost purely sexual. It started as Iocd, and that turned into compulsions of not letting family touch me at all and cleaning myself with alcohol and hydrogen peroxide to get rid of “family germs” because in my mind that meant I was a bad person if I so much as even touched an object that they touched, I just started getting over it recently and I’m feeling a lot better, but the other day another theme was triggered after I heard about this guy called “smartschoolboy” and he disgusts me so much. He’s disgusting. After I heard about him it started triggering intrusive thoughts. I was sobbing over the pocd thoughts the other day, and my brain won’t stop trying to convince me that I am one. No matter what. Today it was “why aren’t you crying about these intrusive thoughts like you were the other day, that must mean you think it’s okay to be one” and it just hurts so much to have these thoughts, I can’t live in peace and I was literally fine just a week or two ago, how do I get rid of this, I just want to be happy again (sorry not to sound dramatic I’m just really scared right now) I mean deep down I know I’m not one every time I hear about one I feel disgusted, I hate even thinking about the fact that those type of people exist, but whenever I tell myself that my brain gets to convince me otherwise. My thoughts have always (mostly) been sexually themed but these are the most disturbing ones I’ve had and I’m so scared right now, anything helps please 🙏🏻

Username: niknicole

Date posted: 22w ago

._.

Everything feels so real. I think learning about non-offending pedophiles has really screwed with me. I feel like I’m not even doing compulsions anymore like I genuinely cannot remember if I do them or not and the groinal responses are messing with me. I keep having intrusive dreams and I’m in that half asleep state and I feel nothing after that or I feel weird like a good weird, I don’t know. It’s a really weird feeling when I get those thoughts but I don’t like them, I don’t think. All I know is, I keep seeking reassurance and I feel like I don’t have OCD because the way I feel, like the way I get worked up isn’t the same as others. Whenever I try to watch a show, like 9-1-1 or daily dose of sunshine, I feel like I’m watching something I shouldn’t be. Or if I’m just on my phone, I feel like something is going to happen. I feel red flags whenever I’m on my phone, like somehow cp will appear. I know that OCD is the doubting disorder but my god, this is just crazy. I feel like I’m going crazy. Everything is just nonstop, it’s so constant and I’m genuinely scared that I’ll do something when I get out of my room. I don’t know anymore, this whole OCD thing is just making me lose my mind.

Username: Kay_buni

Date posted: 18w ago

POCD has taken over my life for the past years.

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

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