If you're not familiar with hocd please don't answer. It feels like there's no straight me left. I've accepted that I'm a lesbian I don't know if that's what I was supposed to do. I'm deeply uncomfortable and unhappy. I feel that if I was meant to be gay this would feel like it was right for me. It only feels right because if I call myself anything else it feels like I'm lying to myself. The world feels like it's falling apart. I understand that there are people who are happy being gay and that is wonderful for them. I don't want this. I tried saying that I will just call myself straight because I'm only interested in persuing men, but my brain will not let me because I was turned on by a porn of a woman touching herself and its harder for me to get turned on by anything else now. I'm attracted to boys, but what if it's just aesthetically? I don't get a groinal response when I look at an attractive man so I guess that's true. I get groinal responses for women and I guess that's what true attraction is supposed to feel like. I'm masculine. I've been told I'm masculine too. Part of me feels like I want this now. I hate it, but my brain keeps saying what if I'm supposed to be this way. The idea of living in denial of my true self is just as scary to me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like this has eaten my whole identity. I want to feel like a girl, I want to be girly, but I'm not allowed to be. I want all of this to end.

Idk

Date posted: 5y ago

I relate to everything you just said!!! But first thing is first, you are NOT supposed to accept yourself as lesbian. You are supposed to accept your thought as just thoughts ! Second, when it comes to porn, you can’t make a decision on your sexuality. I thought that was the case too, because honestly, lesbian porn turns me on and that was the only porn I used to pleasure myself with (sorry tmi) so you can’t make a decision on sexuality with porn, also I don’t get a groinal with looking at a man, but I know I like sex with my boyfriend. Third, I swear I’ve felt like you plenty of times before. I feel manly when I compare myself to other girls, I feel disgusting with the thoughts I have, I just don’t want these thoughts. If it wasn’t for hocd, I would have NEVER EVER EVER thought about these things. Try to just let go of trying to figure out your sexuality, because if you haven’t had a strong crush the way you had a crush on a boy, then you’re not lesbian. I once got advice from a lesbian on this app and she told me “if you have a genuine connection beyond friend level with a guy & you actually enjoy sex, then you aren’t lesbian” and honestly, it didn’t help me because then I started to obsess if I had a connection with my boyfriend lol, but then I got over it. I obsessed about both things, but now I’m just like well okay. I can’t be lesbian or bi. Sorry I know that might be reassurance or a trigger. I apologize in advance.

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

I know I've definitely had very strong romantic connections to boys before, but because of rocd I feel like I don't feel that for my boyfriend. As soon as I get away from hocd rocd swoops in and says, "oh, so maybe you're not gay, but you definitely don't love your boyfriend." My boyfriend is practically a male copy of me and when I'm around him I enjoy him so much, but the thoughts persist. Now I'm even questioning if I've ever liked a boy, but I was 700% in love with my ex bestfriend who is a man. I feel bad because when I see him in public (he works at the supermarket my dad shops at) I still get a butterfly feeling, but I think it's only because of rocd. Idk. He's horrible and has hurt me over and over again, I absolutely want nothing to do with him. Maybe part of me still loves him or loves the memories we had together, but I want to kill that completely.

Idk

Date posted: 5y ago

@hateocd123 See that just goes to show how powerful OCD can be. Just don’t pay attention to these thoughts and feelings you don’t like and you think don’t define you. You’ll be okay, but can I tell you something. I relate to the seeing your bestfriend and feeling some type a of way. It sometimes happens with me too.

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

@advice? It's good to know that I'm not the only one going through all of this. Thank you

hateocd123

Date posted: 3y ago

@hocdgirl I've recovered for the most part. :) I still have ocd unfortunately ocd never goes away, but it is 100% manageable. I still get intrusive thoughts, but I'm the happiest I've ever been because I have the tools to deal with them when they come up. I went through treatment and I'm still having appointments with my therapist on my bad days. I'm significantly better. I'm in a happy relationship with a man, and feel just fine even despite the intrusive thoughts that pop up every once in a while. You have to let go and realize that you'll never actually be sure of anything with OCD. I could potentially be gay and not know, or I could be completely straight and just have ocd. Who knows, but I'm happy with my actions at the moment! I'm finally healthy enough to pursue a career and I've decided that I'm becoming a pilot! Treatment opens the door to getting the meaning in living back!!! If you're considering treatment I say go for it!!!!

cnv

Date posted: 5y ago

I feel the exact same. Since I was about 14 I have been watching lesbian porn/female masturbation and got really turned on by it. I’ve always always felt like I connect better with it because there are females and I am a female too and I resonate with what they were feeling. But since hocd started, I’ve started to use this as a proof of me being a lesbian. Plus, I’ve had a homosexual encounter(well, not really, just some touching) with a friend when I was about 9 but I’d never thought about is seriously untill hocd. Sometimes I have this clear moments when I realise that this is all bs and I overthink everything, and that I am indeed straight. But these moments fade away

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5y ago

Hey , just know I understand how you’re feeling and it really is horrible. I’m so sorry that you’ve been feeling so down over this , you deserve nothing but happiness ❤️❤️ first off , I wouldn’t say you have to accept yourself as a lesbian! I would say you could tell yourself that your thoughts are just thoughts , and you don’t have to attach any particular meaning to them. You could accept that you don’t know for sure what your sexuality is , but instead of telling yourself you hate these doubts , tell yourself you are okay with them and embrace them !! You don’t have to actually like the doubts , but tell yourself you do. What happens when you do this constantly is that you rewire the neurons in your brain for the better , so the anxiety lessens over time. This is a process so it’s not a quick fix , but that’s okay. It’s well worth it. Tell yourself that even if you don’t know your sexuality , it is only part of what makes you you. It’s definitely still part of someone’s identity , but there’s other ones too that remain regardless of what your sexuality is. Also , you wouldn’t lose the ability to be feminine or enjoy feminine things even if you weren’t straight. I know it’s scary feeling like you don’t know your true self , and that you don’t know what you identify as. But in a way , there is always going to be something you’re uncertain about when it comes to who you are. What if you were primarily straight but clicked with one female out of the billions and were okay with having a relationship with her ? What if there’s a hidden talent you have that you don’t know anything about ? What if you just did one thing differently , how would it change your life ? I do not at all mean to get you anxious by these questions , I just want you to know that uncertainty is a fundamental part of life , and you can overcome it. Treat your thoughts like a river , let them be there and let them flow. Same thing with groinal responses , treat them like muscle spasms , just let them be. Many people on here with HOCD also get aroused to things they don’t want deep down , but don’t get aroused by things they’re normally attracted to. I hope this helped , feel better asap ❤️

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

Thank you ❤

MemyselfandI0

Date posted: 19w ago

I want my life back

I feel so sad, alone, scared and hopeless. Until two months ago there was not even the remote possibility of being anything other than heterosexual and now the idea that I could find out that I was lesbian or bisexual terrifies me to death. Everything was born from the fact that I didn't feel sexual desire towards my ex-boyfriend and I started to be afraid that it was because I was a lesbian... how can I be a lesbian or bisexual if everything was born from this? I would like to run away from myself and my head. I would really like to go back and go back to my life before. I can't take it anymore. I just want to live my life like before

Sexual Orientation OCD

LiaExe28

Date posted: 15w ago

Pats crush groinal response

Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off

Mt2019

Date posted: 11w ago

Question about HOCD

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

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