**If you're not familiar with hocd please don't answer.** It feels like there's no straight me left. I've accepted that I'm a lesbian I don't know if that's what I was supposed to do. I'm deeply uncomfortable and unhappy. I feel that if I was meant to be gay this would feel like it was right for me. It only feels right because if I call myself anything else it feels like I'm lying to myself. The world feels like it's falling apart. I understand that there are people who are happy being gay and that is wonderful for them. I don't want this. I tried saying that I will just call myself straight because I'm only interested in persuing men, but my brain will not let me because I was turned on by a porn of a woman touching herself and its harder for me to get turned on by anything else now. I'm attracted to boys, but what if it's just aesthetically? I don't get a groinal response when I look at an attractive man so I guess that's true. I get groinal responses for women and I guess that's what true attraction is supposed to feel like. I'm masculine. I've been told I'm masculine too. Part of me feels like I want this now. I hate it, but my brain keeps saying what if I'm supposed to be this way. The idea of living in denial of my true self is just as scary to me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like this has eaten my whole identity. I want to feel like a girl, I want to be girly, but I'm not allowed to be. I want all of this to end.

I relate to everything you just said!!! But first thing is first, you are NOT supposed to accept yourself as lesbian. You are supposed to accept your thought as just thoughts ! Second, when it comes to porn, you can’t make a decision on your sexuality. I thought that was the case too, because honestly, lesbian porn turns me on and that was the only porn I used to pleasure myself with (sorry tmi) so you can’t make a decision on sexuality with porn, also I don’t get a groinal with looking at a man, but I know I like sex with my boyfriend. Third, I swear I’ve felt like you plenty of times before. I feel manly when I compare myself to other girls, I feel disgusting with the thoughts I have, I just don’t want these thoughts. If it wasn’t for hocd, I would have NEVER EVER EVER thought about these things. Try to just let go of trying to figure out your sexuality, because if you haven’t had a strong crush the way you had a crush on a boy, then you’re not lesbian. I once got advice from a lesbian on this app and she told me “if you have a genuine connection beyond friend level with a guy & you actually enjoy sex, then you aren’t lesbian” and honestly, it didn’t help me because then I started to obsess if I had a connection with my boyfriend lol, but then I got over it. I obsessed about both things, but now I’m just like well okay. I can’t be lesbian or bi. Sorry I know that might be reassurance or a trigger. I apologize in advance.

I feel the exact same. Since I was about 14 I have been watching lesbian porn/female masturbation and got really turned on by it. I’ve always always felt like I connect better with it because there are females and I am a female too and I resonate with what they were feeling. But since hocd started, I’ve started to use this as a proof of me being a lesbian. Plus, I’ve had a homosexual encounter(well, not really, just some touching) with a friend when I was about 9 but I’d never thought about is seriously untill hocd. Sometimes I have this clear moments when I realise that this is all bs and I overthink everything, and that I am indeed straight. But these moments fade away

Hey , just know I understand how you’re feeling and it really is horrible. I’m so sorry that you’ve been feeling so down over this , you deserve nothing but happiness ❤️❤️ first off , I wouldn’t say you have to accept yourself as a lesbian! I would say you could tell yourself that your thoughts are just thoughts , and you don’t have to attach any particular meaning to them. You could accept that you don’t know for sure what your sexuality is , but instead of telling yourself you hate these doubts , tell yourself you are okay with them and embrace them !! You don’t have to actually like the doubts , but tell yourself you do. What happens when you do this constantly is that you rewire the neurons in your brain for the better , so the anxiety lessens over time. This is a process so it’s not a quick fix , but that’s okay. It’s well worth it. Tell yourself that even if you don’t know your sexuality , it is only part of what makes you you. It’s definitely still part of someone’s identity , but there’s other ones too that remain regardless of what your sexuality is. Also , you wouldn’t lose the ability to be feminine or enjoy feminine things even if you weren’t straight. I know it’s scary feeling like you don’t know your true self , and that you don’t know what you identify as. But in a way , there is always going to be something you’re uncertain about when it comes to who you are. What if you were primarily straight but clicked with one female out of the billions and were okay with having a relationship with her ? What if there’s a hidden talent you have that you don’t know anything about ? What if you just did one thing differently , how would it change your life ? I do not at all mean to get you anxious by these questions , I just want you to know that uncertainty is a fundamental part of life , and you can overcome it. Treat your thoughts like a river , let them be there and let them flow. Same thing with groinal responses , treat them like muscle spasms , just let them be. Many people on here with HOCD also get aroused to things they don’t want deep down , but don’t get aroused by things they’re normally attracted to. I hope this helped , feel better asap ❤️