- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
I relate to everything you just said!!! But first thing is first, you are NOT supposed to accept yourself as lesbian. You are supposed to accept your thought as just thoughts ! Second, when it comes to porn, you can’t make a decision on your sexuality. I thought that was the case too, because honestly, lesbian porn turns me on and that was the only porn I used to pleasure myself with (sorry tmi) so you can’t make a decision on sexuality with porn, also I don’t get a groinal with looking at a man, but I know I like sex with my boyfriend. Third, I swear I’ve felt like you plenty of times before. I feel manly when I compare myself to other girls, I feel disgusting with the thoughts I have, I just don’t want these thoughts. If it wasn’t for hocd, I would have NEVER EVER EVER thought about these things. Try to just let go of trying to figure out your sexuality, because if you haven’t had a strong crush the way you had a crush on a boy, then you’re not lesbian. I once got advice from a lesbian on this app and she told me “if you have a genuine connection beyond friend level with a guy & you actually enjoy sex, then you aren’t lesbian” and honestly, it didn’t help me because then I started to obsess if I had a connection with my boyfriend lol, but then I got over it. I obsessed about both things, but now I’m just like well okay. I can’t be lesbian or bi. Sorry I know that might be reassurance or a trigger. I apologize in advance.
- Date posted
- 5y
I know I've definitely had very strong romantic connections to boys before, but because of rocd I feel like I don't feel that for my boyfriend. As soon as I get away from hocd rocd swoops in and says, "oh, so maybe you're not gay, but you definitely don't love your boyfriend." My boyfriend is practically a male copy of me and when I'm around him I enjoy him so much, but the thoughts persist. Now I'm even questioning if I've ever liked a boy, but I was 700% in love with my ex bestfriend who is a man. I feel bad because when I see him in public (he works at the supermarket my dad shops at) I still get a butterfly feeling, but I think it's only because of rocd. Idk. He's horrible and has hurt me over and over again, I absolutely want nothing to do with him. Maybe part of me still loves him or loves the memories we had together, but I want to kill that completely.
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 See that just goes to show how powerful OCD can be. Just don’t pay attention to these thoughts and feelings you don’t like and you think don’t define you. You’ll be okay, but can I tell you something. I relate to the seeing your bestfriend and feeling some type a of way. It sometimes happens with me too.
- Date posted
- 5y
@advice? It's good to know that I'm not the only one going through all of this. Thank you
- Date posted
- 3y
@hocdgirl I've recovered for the most part. :) I still have ocd unfortunately ocd never goes away, but it is 100% manageable. I still get intrusive thoughts, but I'm the happiest I've ever been because I have the tools to deal with them when they come up. I went through treatment and I'm still having appointments with my therapist on my bad days. I'm significantly better. I'm in a happy relationship with a man, and feel just fine even despite the intrusive thoughts that pop up every once in a while. You have to let go and realize that you'll never actually be sure of anything with OCD. I could potentially be gay and not know, or I could be completely straight and just have ocd. Who knows, but I'm happy with my actions at the moment! I'm finally healthy enough to pursue a career and I've decided that I'm becoming a pilot! Treatment opens the door to getting the meaning in living back!!! If you're considering treatment I say go for it!!!!
- Date posted
- 5y
I feel the exact same. Since I was about 14 I have been watching lesbian porn/female masturbation and got really turned on by it. I’ve always always felt like I connect better with it because there are females and I am a female too and I resonate with what they were feeling. But since hocd started, I’ve started to use this as a proof of me being a lesbian. Plus, I’ve had a homosexual encounter(well, not really, just some touching) with a friend when I was about 9 but I’d never thought about is seriously untill hocd. Sometimes I have this clear moments when I realise that this is all bs and I overthink everything, and that I am indeed straight. But these moments fade away
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y
Hey , just know I understand how you’re feeling and it really is horrible. I’m so sorry that you’ve been feeling so down over this , you deserve nothing but happiness ❤️❤️ first off , I wouldn’t say you have to accept yourself as a lesbian! I would say you could tell yourself that your thoughts are just thoughts , and you don’t have to attach any particular meaning to them. You could accept that you don’t know for sure what your sexuality is , but instead of telling yourself you hate these doubts , tell yourself you are okay with them and embrace them !! You don’t have to actually like the doubts , but tell yourself you do. What happens when you do this constantly is that you rewire the neurons in your brain for the better , so the anxiety lessens over time. This is a process so it’s not a quick fix , but that’s okay. It’s well worth it. Tell yourself that even if you don’t know your sexuality , it is only part of what makes you you. It’s definitely still part of someone’s identity , but there’s other ones too that remain regardless of what your sexuality is. Also , you wouldn’t lose the ability to be feminine or enjoy feminine things even if you weren’t straight. I know it’s scary feeling like you don’t know your true self , and that you don’t know what you identify as. But in a way , there is always going to be something you’re uncertain about when it comes to who you are. What if you were primarily straight but clicked with one female out of the billions and were okay with having a relationship with her ? What if there’s a hidden talent you have that you don’t know anything about ? What if you just did one thing differently , how would it change your life ? I do not at all mean to get you anxious by these questions , I just want you to know that uncertainty is a fundamental part of life , and you can overcome it. Treat your thoughts like a river , let them be there and let them flow. Same thing with groinal responses , treat them like muscle spasms , just let them be. Many people on here with HOCD also get aroused to things they don’t want deep down , but don’t get aroused by things they’re normally attracted to. I hope this helped , feel better asap ❤️
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you ❤
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please
- Date posted
- 14w
As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.
- Date posted
- 26d
Hi, I'm new to this and it took me a long time to gather the courage to post, but I could really use some advice. This will be a long post because I don't know how not to overexplain, please bear with me. I'm yet to be diagnosed with anything, so I'm not sure if this is one of the ways OCD can present itself, but I'm really hoping it's just soocd and nothing else. I'm 22F, cis and straight all my life as far as I know, but back in April, in a particularly exhausting day, I had an intrusive thought about liking women after seeing some random post on twitter and I've been spiraling ever since, with thoughts and anxiety non-stop trying to figure out an answer. I've noticed that my thoughts have been obsessing over this in a loop, where I question if I'm a lesbian or bi (I really really don't want to be, though I have nothing against the lgbt community) > question if I'm aro/ace (also really don't want to be, I'd be super depressed if I were because that would stop me from living the life I've always dreamed of) > question if I'm simply afraid of getting in a relationship and why. It's this loop where I can't figure anything out, my brain feels like it's in the middle of a storm. Looking back, I think I might have had rocd in my last relationship because I kept messaging my boyfriend asking for reassurance if he loved me and wouldn't leave me, but the reassurance only lasted at best a day before the doubts came back and I felt the need to ask again, and this lasted for months if not years. Now I've never questioned my orientation, I just knew I was straight (always crushed on boys, craved their attention and love, male celebrities, male characters, always fantasized about having a husband and kids, never felt anything towards women that way, never considered them as partners) until this one intrusive thought caused me to spiral out of control and I've never been the same since. This in and of itself should be enough to prove to my brain that I'm straight and have always been, right? Logically it should, it makes no sense otherwise... But it's not enough, so I've been googling non-stop, been reading so many posts here that I relate to for reassurance, been reviewing my memories, ruminating all day and night, testing myself by looking at pictures of men and women to check for reactions (when I'm not avoiding looking at them altogether). Even when I feel that my mind is quieter, the anxiety is still there, and I keep trying to affirm what I've always believed to see if I still agree and it's like my body preemptively gets anxious expecting the thoughts to return and then uses that anxiety as evidence that the thoughts are true when I really don't want them to be... I guess all of these count as compulsions? It's bad to the point anything lgbt-related triggers me now when it never did before (I was always like "good for them, but that's not for me" towards any kind of lgbt content, I've never identified with the community nor do I want to be part of it still), I can barely get anything done, get out of the house, spend time with my friends, listen to music or watch movies, focus on what I need to do, eat, sleep or even just enjoy my hobbies. The anxiety is always there, my mind feels like it'll explode and I feel like my life will be over if I don't figure this out now so I can fix it. I think I've also been experiencing false attractions and loss of attraction, which is making all of this worse, because my mind is trying to find out why they're happening and using them as evidence that I'm one thing or another... I never had any feelings towards women before this all started but I'm so scared I might have now all of a sudden when I don't want to. It's exhausting, I just want to be able to live normally again. The what ifs don't stop: what if I find out I'm actually what my fears say I am? What if I'm one of those late bloomer lesbians? What if I'm in denial? What if I'm just saying I've always wanted men due to comphet? What if I actually never find out and I'll be ruminating over this my entire life and won't be able to live? What if I'm lying to myself? What if I've always been that and never known? What if others find out I'm having these thoughts? What if it's not OCD and I'm making excuses and this is all true? What if it's always been a subconscious desire and I didn't know? What if I have sex with a man and don't like it actually? What if I'm aro/ace and that means I'll never be able to have a family one day? What if I have no choice? What if that one memory where you enjoyed time with a female friend means you're gay actually? What if I'm never able to love a man ever again despite having been able to in the past? The idea of being with a woman is absolutely terrifying to me, I'm not at all comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian or bi or anything, while the idea of being with a man only causes me some anxiety but feels more right. I've had very few experiences with relationships, most were unfortunately long distance, and I'm currently single so I can't even gauge my attraction or feelings that way, but I'm so tempted to seek a relationship because of this to prove I'm still straight... I also have GAD and might have depression, so that may be contributing to all of this... I just feel like my life is over, I can't live like this. I can't handle my mind constantly looking for proof that I'm lesbian or bi, using the fact that I enjoy my mom's hugs or my female friends' company to say "see?? I was right and you're lesbian!!" when I never once in my life ever thought of women that way, I don't understand why this is happening 😭😭 And to make it worse, it's also latching onto the past and using it as proof that I must have always been a lesbian without knowing and it's making me feel like I actually wanted it, when at the time I never thought of it that way. Like, me enjoying the company of one of my best friends or sharing a common interest with her doesn't mean I'm gay?? Caring about my friends isn't gay?? Being a girl who likes girly things doesn't make me gay?? But the thoughts are always like "no you're lying, you're just in denial, you actually felt xyz back then that's why you wanted her company" or "are you sure?". The thoughts also latch on the fact that I find incel, gooner and misogynistic behavior disgusting (which might be poisoning my opinion about men as well even though I don't want it to 😭), and they tell me I'm a lesbian because of it, which only makes me more depressed. But no matter how much I try to argue, it's never enough, the doubts are always there and it's making me have so many panic attacks they wake me up at night and don't let me rest. I'm so scared of accepting the thoughts because I fear that accepting them will make me actually a lesbian when I really don't want to be (and I keep claiming I don't want to be and my mind keeps throwing the "are you sure? you're not sure" around, it never ends 😭). It feels so real, I'm so scared. I'll add this as well because I feel is relevant, but these thoughts/spirals have also tried latching onto my religious beliefs (I have none, but they tried to convince me I did after I saw a post on social media) and onto my gender identity (they tried convincing me I wanted to be a trans man, when in fact I've always wanted to look more feminine, because I'm so thin I barely have boobs and it's always been a huge source of insecurity for me). These, however, haven't returned, unlike the spirals about my sexual orientation and mainly about being lesbian/bi. I think I may have had at best a week free from this obsession, and even when I'm distracted I feel like they're always somewhere near my mind just waiting to snatch it from me again. If I manage to calm down, my mind will also use that against me, saying stuff like "see, you're calm now, which means you've accepted you're a lesbian!!" and I get all depressed and anxious again and want to cry but can't because I'm so tired. I just don't want that to be true, I want my normal life back 😭 I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I can't calm down. My life has been a living hell ever since this started, I feel unable to live, I just want to go back to how I was before all of this started. Is this HOCD/SOOCD at all? Can anyone else relate to this? Please tell me I'm not alone on these experiences, that I'm not what these thoughts claim... My mind is so close to fully convincing me that I am what they say and it's making me so depressed and anxious 😭😭 and it feels so real, like I'm already what they say I am and I'm chasing something that's no longer there. I'm so scared. I don't want to accept any possibility, I don't want to explore or "figure it out", I just want to be secure with my straight orientation again as I've always been, but there seems to be so much evidence of the contrary and I can't live with that possibility. How could I become a lesbian in the span of a few months when I never wanted that?? 😭 I'm so depressed, I miss crushing on men and wanting a husband and kids, I'm tired of arguing with my mind non-stop. I feel like I've been so full of doubts that I can barely affirm my favorite color, I can't remember what's like to be free from this madness, it's like from one moment to another I lost myself amidst this chaos and no longer know the stuff I've always known about myself. How do I go back to how I was before? How do I stop this without changing to be something I don't want? How do I get rid of these doubts that aren't supposed to mean anything but are scaring the shit out of me because what if they're true and I'm one of those cases where I'll become the sexuality I fear? I cannot bear the thought. It's been nightmarish 😭😭
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