If you're not familiar with hocd please don't answer. It feels like there's no straight me left. I've accepted that I'm a lesbian I don't know if that's what I was supposed to do. I'm deeply uncomfortable and unhappy. I feel that if I was meant to be gay this would feel like it was right for me. It only feels right because if I call myself anything else it feels like I'm lying to myself. The world feels like it's falling apart. I understand that there are people who are happy being gay and that is wonderful for them. I don't want this. I tried saying that I will just call myself straight because I'm only interested in persuing men, but my brain will not let me because I was turned on by a porn of a woman touching herself and its harder for me to get turned on by anything else now. I'm attracted to boys, but what if it's just aesthetically? I don't get a groinal response when I look at an attractive man so I guess that's true. I get groinal responses for women and I guess that's what true attraction is supposed to feel like. I'm masculine. I've been told I'm masculine too. Part of me feels like I want this now. I hate it, but my brain keeps saying what if I'm supposed to be this way. The idea of living in denial of my true self is just as scary to me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like this has eaten my whole identity. I want to feel like a girl, I want to be girly, but I'm not allowed to be. I want all of this to end.

Idk

Date posted: 5y

I relate to everything you just said!!! But first thing is first, you are NOT supposed to accept yourself as lesbian. You are supposed to accept your thought as just thoughts ! Second, when it comes to porn, you can’t make a decision on your sexuality. I thought that was the case too, because honestly, lesbian porn turns me on and that was the only porn I used to pleasure myself with (sorry tmi) so you can’t make a decision on sexuality with porn, also I don’t get a groinal with looking at a man, but I know I like sex with my boyfriend. Third, I swear I’ve felt like you plenty of times before. I feel manly when I compare myself to other girls, I feel disgusting with the thoughts I have, I just don’t want these thoughts. If it wasn’t for hocd, I would have NEVER EVER EVER thought about these things. Try to just let go of trying to figure out your sexuality, because if you haven’t had a strong crush the way you had a crush on a boy, then you’re not lesbian. I once got advice from a lesbian on this app and she told me “if you have a genuine connection beyond friend level with a guy & you actually enjoy sex, then you aren’t lesbian” and honestly, it didn’t help me because then I started to obsess if I had a connection with my boyfriend lol, but then I got over it. I obsessed about both things, but now I’m just like well okay. I can’t be lesbian or bi. Sorry I know that might be reassurance or a trigger. I apologize in advance.

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

I know I've definitely had very strong romantic connections to boys before, but because of rocd I feel like I don't feel that for my boyfriend. As soon as I get away from hocd rocd swoops in and says, "oh, so maybe you're not gay, but you definitely don't love your boyfriend." My boyfriend is practically a male copy of me and when I'm around him I enjoy him so much, but the thoughts persist. Now I'm even questioning if I've ever liked a boy, but I was 700% in love with my ex bestfriend who is a man. I feel bad because when I see him in public (he works at the supermarket my dad shops at) I still get a butterfly feeling, but I think it's only because of rocd. Idk. He's horrible and has hurt me over and over again, I absolutely want nothing to do with him. Maybe part of me still loves him or loves the memories we had together, but I want to kill that completely.

Idk

Date posted: 5y

@hateocd123 See that just goes to show how powerful OCD can be. Just don’t pay attention to these thoughts and feelings you don’t like and you think don’t define you. You’ll be okay, but can I tell you something. I relate to the seeing your bestfriend and feeling some type a of way. It sometimes happens with me too.

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

@advice? It's good to know that I'm not the only one going through all of this. Thank you

hateocd123

Date posted: 3y

@hocdgirl I've recovered for the most part. :) I still have ocd unfortunately ocd never goes away, but it is 100% manageable. I still get intrusive thoughts, but I'm the happiest I've ever been because I have the tools to deal with them when they come up. I went through treatment and I'm still having appointments with my therapist on my bad days. I'm significantly better. I'm in a happy relationship with a man, and feel just fine even despite the intrusive thoughts that pop up every once in a while. You have to let go and realize that you'll never actually be sure of anything with OCD. I could potentially be gay and not know, or I could be completely straight and just have ocd. Who knows, but I'm happy with my actions at the moment! I'm finally healthy enough to pursue a career and I've decided that I'm becoming a pilot! Treatment opens the door to getting the meaning in living back!!! If you're considering treatment I say go for it!!!!

cnv

Date posted: 5y

I feel the exact same. Since I was about 14 I have been watching lesbian porn/female masturbation and got really turned on by it. I’ve always always felt like I connect better with it because there are females and I am a female too and I resonate with what they were feeling. But since hocd started, I’ve started to use this as a proof of me being a lesbian. Plus, I’ve had a homosexual encounter(well, not really, just some touching) with a friend when I was about 9 but I’d never thought about is seriously untill hocd. Sometimes I have this clear moments when I realise that this is all bs and I overthink everything, and that I am indeed straight. But these moments fade away

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5y

Hey , just know I understand how you’re feeling and it really is horrible. I’m so sorry that you’ve been feeling so down over this , you deserve nothing but happiness ❤️❤️ first off , I wouldn’t say you have to accept yourself as a lesbian! I would say you could tell yourself that your thoughts are just thoughts , and you don’t have to attach any particular meaning to them. You could accept that you don’t know for sure what your sexuality is , but instead of telling yourself you hate these doubts , tell yourself you are okay with them and embrace them !! You don’t have to actually like the doubts , but tell yourself you do. What happens when you do this constantly is that you rewire the neurons in your brain for the better , so the anxiety lessens over time. This is a process so it’s not a quick fix , but that’s okay. It’s well worth it. Tell yourself that even if you don’t know your sexuality , it is only part of what makes you you. It’s definitely still part of someone’s identity , but there’s other ones too that remain regardless of what your sexuality is. Also , you wouldn’t lose the ability to be feminine or enjoy feminine things even if you weren’t straight. I know it’s scary feeling like you don’t know your true self , and that you don’t know what you identify as. But in a way , there is always going to be something you’re uncertain about when it comes to who you are. What if you were primarily straight but clicked with one female out of the billions and were okay with having a relationship with her ? What if there’s a hidden talent you have that you don’t know anything about ? What if you just did one thing differently , how would it change your life ? I do not at all mean to get you anxious by these questions , I just want you to know that uncertainty is a fundamental part of life , and you can overcome it. Treat your thoughts like a river , let them be there and let them flow. Same thing with groinal responses , treat them like muscle spasms , just let them be. Many people on here with HOCD also get aroused to things they don’t want deep down , but don’t get aroused by things they’re normally attracted to. I hope this helped , feel better asap ❤️

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

Thank you ❤

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Am I even straight anymore?

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 19w

feeling helpless

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

What is happ...

Date posted: 16w

Questions… I don’t want reassurance just advice

I’ve tried accepting the uncertainty, I’ve accepted I may be gay, bi or still straight. I’ve tried doing ERP myself to the best I can. When I accept that I’m gay or bi why doesn’t my head agree and move on? Why does it still question it? I know I don’t want to be at all. I love my family. But I just want this to move on. I want to enjoy life. Why can’t I find women attractive again? (Brief moments I do). I seriously don’t understand the false attraction? I’ve tried agreeing with it but it won’t let this drop. Why am I attracted to the same sex? Why am I attracted to people I would never thought of looking at? Why does it give me such grief about this? I know I shouldn’t look at adult content but why can I only feel good watching either lesbian or females? I tried to agree with the gay but it makes me sick and horrendous I even considered this? I just want my life back.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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