When I was a kid I was told by my abusive 3rd grade teacher that I would always be the one to fall behind. My OCD took hold of that and now as soon as I realize im prospering regarding anything in my life I have to destroy it. Self sabotaging myself because I'm meant to be behind everyone else. This probably doesn't make much sense but the perfectionist part of my OCD says that is the box I belong in and I'm not allowed to leave it. How do I get out of this defeatist attitude and my brain malfunctioning saying that I'm meant to fail? People have told me that it's not true and in reality I know it doesn't make sense, but it's so deeply engrained in me that I struggle getting away from it. I feel like it's hindering me making any improvement with hocd and rocd.

Everything is very black and white in my head. If I didn't understand one problem on homework I couldn't do any other problem or turn it in. If I'm not completely straight then I'm gay. If I dislike one aspect of my boyfriend then he's not meant for me. There are no in betweens and I can't even accept that it's logically possible. If everything doesn't fit into a perfect box my brain freaks out.

For me what made things lighter and freshier was when i started validating my accomplishments and changing the way i talked to myself

Everyday doesnt matter how productive or unproductive it was i look at everything i did and feel glad that i did. Sometimes we get stuck in this constant interior nag that something is wrong, not good or perfect and the more we do that harder it gets to shut it, so dont be so harsh on yourself and on other would be my first guess, when you see yourself putting yourself down call your inner and healthier self to say a few good words on your benefit, after all your the best person to protect yourself from yourself

have a good day :)

I am also very self-sabotaging and have a hard time trying new things, especially in front of others because I'm so afraid of mistakes and failure. Start small and let yourself bear through the discomfort.