When I was a kid I was told by my abusive 3rd grade teacher that I would always be the one to fall behind. My OCD took hold of that and now as soon as I realize im prospering regarding anything in my life I have to destroy it. Self sabotaging myself because I'm meant to be behind everyone else. This probably doesn't make much sense but the perfectionist part of my OCD says that is the box I belong in and I'm not allowed to leave it. How do I get out of this defeatist attitude and my brain malfunctioning saying that I'm meant to fail? People have told me that it's not true and in reality I know it doesn't make sense, but it's so deeply engrained in me that I struggle getting away from it. I feel like it's hindering me making any improvement with hocd and rocd.

I can be way too hard on myself and beat myself up over the smallest slip up in regards to OCD. Sometimes it can feel like I'm gaslighting myself on what was "so blatantly and obviously a moral atrocity in thought and intent", when 95% of the time I'm not even sure what my own intent with dealing with these thoughts is or why I do what I do. It makes me feel like some shameless beast for "daring to even entertain the thought of something so VILE!!!" When I just get so confused and scared on moral issues, like my mind is pulled down a rabbit hole I can't escape until the tricks are done on me and it's too late, i've accepted such ideas I hate until that hate and trying to not give in convince me "it might not be that bad". It feels like anything, even the most mundane things can trigger this. This cycle happens mainly because I feel like there's "no way to escape committing more 'attrocities' in thought or compulsion anyway"...and these cycles become the basis for more of these incidents. there a way to stop this? There have been multiple times where I called myself the R word, and even knowing it's a slur I still called myself that because "I'm nothing if not deserving of such scorn". Any attempt to stop the madness makes it worse and it's like all this I talked about is so convincing I dare not question it until after the fact. Please help.

Need some advice please. I'm trying to fix my social anxiety, self esteem and confidence but ocd infests itself and makes me I had all these issues because I my ocd was true all along. For example, Im extremely uptight/awkward around people and have a fear of being judged, laughed at or seen through, fear of not being liked etc. One cause of this I read is it's because i suppressed my real self/feelings and pretended to put on a fake mask to be liked by others/fit in and now that im older that mask is breaking and causing me disconnect from my real self. My hocd inserts itself and makes me feel because I was gay all along without knowing it is why it happened. It genuinely feels like that's the case but then I feel dreaded and depressed because it feels so real I'm ready to accept that scenario. But back then I didnt think I could have been gay or anything. Im not sure how to handle this difficulty. Please any advice?

One of my biggest struggles in overcome OCD is that in moment where I feel invincible and feel really good, my mind itches back at me telling me that it’s too good to be true and I need to feel back on edge. I call this my OCD homeostasis, and my mind just needs to revert back to this. How has everyone dealt with this effectively?