When I was a kid I was told by my abusive 3rd grade teacher that I would always be the one to fall behind. My OCD took hold of that and now as soon as I realize im prospering regarding anything in my life I have to destroy it. Self sabotaging myself because I'm meant to be behind everyone else. This probably doesn't make much sense but the perfectionist part of my OCD says that is the box I belong in and I'm not allowed to leave it. How do I get out of this defeatist attitude and my brain malfunctioning saying that I'm meant to fail? People have told me that it's not true and in reality I know it doesn't make sense, but it's so deeply engrained in me that I struggle getting away from it. I feel like it's hindering me making any improvement with hocd and rocd.

Let's talk about self-sabotage today! There have been many times in my life when I would start an argument or pick a fight over the smallest of things. Looking back, I can now see that this was OCD. I think on some level, I was trying to put distance on the relationship. That way, if that person wasn't "the one," they weren't that committed, or my doubts were right, I wasn't going to be as hurt. It wasn't until I started really tackling the OCD that I realized this was completely self-sabotage. What about you? Are there certain pieces of your life that you can look back and say, yes - this was OCD in the form of self-sabotage?

I've been told before that I have a "victim mentality" due to the OCD. I disagree with that statement and here is why: • I still fight through my anxiety every single day. I fight OCD like my life depends on it. I do things & have learned how to function even though I'm in public or socializing & all I wanna do is go home & scream. But I can't do that. I have to fight to be healthy, as all of us do. • When I have TRULY been panicking or grieving (my dad passed almost 8 years ago, & it's been very hard for me to "get over"), I'm told I'm "living in the past". But...you don't just "get over" a loss like that. You don't. You just learn how to live around it. • I have placed myself in some bad situations because of my lack of self-love/self respect and THAT is my fault. What isn't my fault is how another person treats me. That is on them. Not on me. My responsibility is only how I choose to respond. But, in essence, I have been told numerous times that I have a "victim mentality" and I'm confused as to what people mean when they say that. Yes, I have put MYSELF through the ringer; but what the other person did to me was THEIR action. I didn't cause them to do what they did. • I live in poverty (as most of us do, especially in this economy) & everyone thinks everything is so simple. "Oh, just go trade your car in for something better!" "Oh, just pay off $2k for a government grant to go to college, then you can go!" No. That includes money I don't have. I don't HAVE $2k laying around to go and do whatever with. (I should have listened & saved my money when I turned 18, and that part IS my fault, but I digress). Has anyone else ever experienced shame or guilt related to their OCD & how, sometimes, it's hard to function? Or just be a typical "adult". Because we're not typical. It doesn't make us bad, or bad people, because we aren't. But as I'm growing older I'm finding that more and more often this world & the way it's run just isn't built for people with mental illnesses or OCD.

Just feels like i can never win in life... I dont ever have a special talent that makes me stand out from anyone... I cant win at games, nor ever have a victorious moment based on my skill instead of luck... i just lose and lose and lose... from having OCD based on real events, to my OCD gaslighting me into thinking my fears are true, to just never being able to ever win in life once in my life... i have no one in my college who understands... let alone anyone who cares... Maybe I deserve this because Ive done bad things in life... maybe I deserve this because of my childhood mistakes... who knows... Im just in a state of giving up on ever being happy because I genuinely feel like nothing works out for me, either by my own stupidity or just life being a bitch...