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Hi, I’m at my wits end almost! I’m a 27 y/o girl and having some major health anxiety recently due to some problems. I’ve had weird periods all my life, and about a year or two ago it culminated in me having some major anemia. I was constantly out of breath, and extremely thirsty, wanting ice like crazy. Eventually my vision got blurry so we went to the hospital. I was severely iron-deficient anemic and got a transfusion of two blood bags. They put me on a birth control that didn’t stop the bleeding entirely and made me feel like I was going nuts, so I took myself off of it. Fast forward, recently, as in this past November, I was on another period. I’m making some lifestyle changes right now due to an unsure fatty liver diagnosis (too scared to get into the MRI machine, too scared to take medicine to calm myself down), so I hadn’t been eating as much as I used to. I’m starting to get almost a little dizzy recalling this like it feels like I keep having happen, but I really feel like I should talk about it. But about 2-3 days into this period with heavy bleeding, I went to bed feeling off that night, then suddenly snapped awake about 7am feeling like something was VERY wrong. I fought with myself about it for a while, then got up to pee. Got very dizzy in the bathroom, so I pretty much ran back into my bedroom to wake up my boyfriend and said “I almost passed out in the bathroom.” He knows a few years ago I had been on a different birth control and had something similar-ish happen where I almost fainted in that bathroom after waking up middle of the night so he popped right up. I’ve only ever had a major panic attack once before in my life, and in hindsight it was really like that. But my vision got tunnelly, and my ears felt full, and I felt cold all over, and I started saying “oh god” a lot, and he walked me into our other bedroom to try and get me to calm down. I guess I saw myself in the mirror and saw how pale I was, and I remember slumping against him. I remember feeling SO tired, physically tired and cold, and I thought “oh my god, I’m probably dying. I’m probably bleeding out and dying, I’m probably so anemic.” I remember him calling out to his mom, too, to call the ambulance. So I got an ambulance ride to the hospital with warm fluids and I was shaking SO bad the whole time, only to stay in the ER for about 8hrs with a diagnosis of vasovagal syncope. Ever since I’ve had trouble sleeping. The very first few nights after that, I’d jolt awake when I started dozing off, and/or I’d kick so hard in my sleep. My boyfriend pulled LATE hours petting me to get me to sleep and would stay awake vigilant to comfort me again when I inevitably woke up. I’d also a lot of times doze off, then inhale REAL DEEPLY and loudly as if to remind myself I was breathing. Lots of focusing on my own breathing, on my heart beat. What’s worse is pretty immediately after the first 3 or so nights I was fine, then I had I suppose a moment where I felt cold enough in a weird enough place, and I freaked out just the same. I was so convinced I was going to pass out, which is apparently as bad as death for me right now. I’ve had a lot of talks and cries because I’ve always had death anxiety we called it, and feeling like I was dying so real then really messed with me. And after my relapse we’re also calling that, I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping again. Well, it’s January and im doing moderately better, but sometimes I jolt awake at night and my heart is POUNDING. I feel so wrong, like something is DEFINITELY WRONG. But sometimes im able to just get right back to sleep despite that, and I wake up and im fine. But it doesn’t help because the next night it’s the same song and dance where im scared to sleep because what if I don’t see tomorrow? And im so so focused on these intrusive thoughts on ‘gee, I wonder what it feels like to die!’ Or ‘wonder what it would feel like if my heart just stopped right now’. I used to google symptoms a lot, or look up Reddit threats to feel companionship about a feeling, but doing that was very triggering so I stopped cold turkey. Anyway, um I had a moment literally last night where I woke up heart pounding but I got right back to sleep, and here I am right now at 6:12am next to a sleeping boyfriend not tired because ‘my heart MIGHT be feeling funny’. Im doing a lot better during the day I think, but I have such deep depressing intrusive thoughts sometimes, and I feel like im miles away briefly. Any advice? I’ve been in therapy before for different issues like major anxiety and family problems, and it didn’t really help. In fact, I’ve had quite a lot of bad therapists. But this sounds more like PTSD as well as OCD? Or something. I don’t want to call it myself, just wondering if ANYONE out there is going through something similar. I know I’ve definitely got a history of some kind of OCD at least, because when I was a kid I used to have to do everything twice (like washing my hands a # of times, evenly, but divisible by 2 two times to come out to another even number, so 16 would have been fine but I used to overshoot it to like 42+ pumps of hand soap.) And that morphed into eating two of something for a long time, like making myself two sandwiches or ramen packets. But, anyway, yeah. Please, advice? Thoughts? I feel very alone and scared sometimes. TLDR; have weird periods, they gave me anemia, anemia gave me anxiety and I fainted with a hospital visit. Have frequent health obsession and PTSD-like symptoms but not sure. Please advice, thoughts, or help

Jennabeanie

Date posted: 28w

fellow health anxiety haver here. not here to diagnose, but have you been seen for endometriosis or adenomyosis ? this sounds a lot like how my periods were before i finally had surgery and got put on the shot to stop them completely. i haven't had a period in a handful of years since having the shot, but i vividly remember having constant panic attacks, nervous breakdowns ( especially with how much blood i would see. i was wearing those thickkkk postpartum pads and then eventually full on incontience underwear for old people ) and there were times where i would be trying to clean myself up, and i would just break down. it was too much. i was also severely anemic. ironically my mom is a phlebotomist and used to draw my blood. my iron was so low that i could have suffered a stroke, but my mom was always the ' you're fine. youre just dramatic and want to miss school ' kinda parent, so i never got the appropriate help until my twenties. BUT i feel you. anemia CAN cause increased anxiety. especially when you've got all these stimuli going on and don't know what to do. you feel trapped because you're the only one going through it. i know what it feels like to feel like you're dying. trustttt me. cant speak on the others much because my ocd is mainly in the form of emetophobia but the handwashing is real. its like if i dont do it a certain number of times ( has to be a positive number ) then i'll be sick, choke, and die. so i get it. tldr: i have a lot of health issues, including terrible periods and can understand your health anxiety and relate to the ocd regarding hand washing / cleaning.

Bubblewrapped

Date posted: 28w

@Jennabeanie I’m so happy someone understands but I’m so sad for us both as well!! 😭 I just switched gynos, but we’re exploring the possibility of endo or PCOS right now. Pretty much every single other female in my family going up to my grandma and HER sisters has reproductive issues, so we’re positive /something’s/ there and wrong at least. I’ve been on depo and norethindrone .35mg (I think) so far and nothings stopped the bleeding. It’s infrequent at least but at the same time it makes it more stressful lol, wondering when it’ll happen. My previous gyno suggested an ablation but I was too scared about possible side effects because I’m definitely the side effect magnet. (It feels like a lot of medications I’ve been on I’ve had something weird happen to me, so I’m really scared of even taking more than 1 ibuprofen most times). Right now I’m begging for a total hysterectomy, I’m scared but it’s absolutely something I’ve wanted since I started having a period. Waiting on imaging right now to see if we can find anything new, but navigating doctor stuff can be hard and I think I just get lost in waiting for callbacks or referrals. Thanks for responding though, it helps!

Bubblewrapped

Date posted: 29w

Yes also I have trouble even listening to music that’s too death-y, depressing, or existential. I’ll look out the car window and just get lost thinking about how small and insignificant the world is. So I think this might be OCD into hyperdrive? Maybe at clash with my pre-existing major anxiety? I am also autistic, not formally diagnosed but I am pretty 100% sure at this point as is everyone else I’ve literally ever met. Might be relevant, but I forgot to add it into my already VERY long post. :(

Bubblewrapped

Date posted: 29w

It sucks bad because I feel like I’m so aware that I don’t feel “normal” anymore, and I just want to go back to that but I feel like I also KNOW that something got irreversibly changed in me. But I also FELT honestly that I was dying then and I wasn’t, but I’m SO convinced that there HAS to be /something/ wrong with me somewhere and I just don’t know it. I’m just so worried about dying suddenly. Sorry I guess i had even more to say! :/

mandeebobandee

Date posted: 25w

Really Struggling

I feel like I'm up against an insurmountable mountain. I'm not new to OCD; I know I've had symptoms since at least the age of 8 (probably earlier to be honest, I just know things really took off when I was 8). I dealt with things with no outside help until I was 17, at which point I began seeing a therapist and began to take celexa. I stuck with that therapist for a couple more years before going about my life, though I continued to take the the celexa. Fast forward to 2018, age 29 - I once again began to see a therapist and had my meds adjusted once more, this time switching to Luvox. I also wound up switching therapists after a year or so, though not by choice - my therapist had a personal crisis come up that necessitated the switch. I still see the same therapist I switched to in 2019. Early 2020 brought with it a couple more med changes, going off the Luvox and onto Cymbalta and Intuniv due to concerns about previously undiagnosed ADHD. This was how things were for five years. I'm not going to say things were perfect- there were undoubtedly bumps in the road - but things felt doable, and I mostly found enjoyment in life. This came to a screeching halt recently. Again, as I said, there were bumps in the road. At first, I thought this was all that this was. When I spoke to my psychiatrist in early February, I started Ativan as I just wanted something to take the edge off a little bit. I also went off of Intuniv as we thought that might be contributing to things. It was Saturday, February 8th when things really started to go off the rails. My boyfriend and I were going on a short trip across the state. An intrusive thought popped up - What if I sleepwalked at the hotel and hurt or even killed my boyfriend? This fear stuck with me through the entire trip. I heaved a sigh of relief as we drove back. I'd soon be safe back at home and I'd put it all behind me. If only. On the ride home, my worries shifted to concerns that I would sleepwalk and do something to my parents, who I live with. I fretted for the majority of the trip back, already making up plans to research the subject and how unlikely it would be that something like that would happen, and I'd tell my parents for good measure. They, of course, assured me that I'd never sleepwalked in the past so it was unlikely I'd do so now. I should also note that this is not a new fear of mine, but one I experienced as early as elementary school, though it had essentially disappeared up until this point, decades later. If only it stopped there. I stopped taking the Ativan Sunday evening in the middle of the trip, my thought being that the Ativan might have contributed to this. My boyfriend, in fact, had a reaction years ago where Klonopin actually sent him into a panic, so it seemed possible that I might be experiencing some sort of paradoxical reaction. I also remained off of the Intuniv. Monday was the day I began experiencing loss of appetite. Monday was also the day when things really began to take off and my life began to truly feel like a waking nightmare. Another horrific image from my past reared it's ugly head - an image of my grabbing a knife from the kitchen and stabbing my mom. An image that has continued to haunt me since - and now its 2 weeks later. There's still a bit more to the story - The day after this began, I went to a local urgent care. I was now not only experiencing these horrible thoughts, but I could barely eat lunch, and my stomach was hurting. I also told my parents the latest turn in how things were going. From the urgent care, I was given a prescription for Omeprazole and Hydroxyzine. The following day, I went to my ordinary doctor's office, where the doctor suspected my increase in anxiety and the associated intrusive thoughts had to do with going off of the Intuniv I'd been taking for five years without tapering, and advised me to immediately resume the Intuniv. He also endorsed continuing the Hydroxyzine, which I was taking at night before bed at this point. I'd hoped that going back on the Intuniv would 'even things out' and I'd be back to normal in no time. The thoughts continued, unfortunately. I had an appointment with my therapist as well as my psychiatrist, who upped my dosage of Intuniv to 3mg instead of 2mg and advised on other medication options should this not help. Though I would like to see both of them more, it's difficult with my work schedule and their busy schedules to find time. As of right now, I'm seeing my therapist once every two weeks. My next appointment with her is this Wednesday. I've also made follow up appointments with my regular doctor's office. Last Wednesday (2/19), I had an appointment with an NP who advised I take the Hydroxyzine three times a day rather than just at bed time, so I've been doing that. I thought it might be helping the first time I took it in the afternoon, though this doesn't seem to be the case with subsequent dosages, unfortunately. I also see her again on Wednesday. I apologize for the long post, but I wanted to share how I got to this point. Things aren't great. I'm trying to enjoy life where I can - I recently played board games with my parents yesterday and went to a restaurant with my boyfriend the day before and felt almost normal, but even in those instances it felt like there was something lurking just beneath the surface. I'm going through life, but it feels like I'm barely surviving. I'm going to work but only because I think I'd be worse at home with absolutely no distractions. I wish there was a switch I could flip and things would be back to normal, where I didn't feel this way. In fact, more often that not, I want to be laying in bed asleep, because you can't think when you're asleep, and it feels like the only refuge at this point. It's hard because home was always my safe place, and my mom one of my safe people - and now this. Anyway, if you made it through this long post, thanks for reading. <3

Harm OCD

Aldxma.steph

Date posted: 21w

Hello everyone I need some advice

I don’t have an official OCD diagnosis, but I will be asking my doctor tomorrow if I can get referred to a psychiatrist to get an official diagnosis. The way I came to the conclusion that what I’m dealing with is OCD is because a month ago I just started having the most horrible disturbing intrusive thoughts that go against all my values and beliefs and attacking the stuff/people I care about the most. Mind you, I have never had anything like this happen in my life. I feel that I have always been someone with a peaceful mind and one of the worst intrusive thoughts I can ever remember having before this happened, was “what happens if I cut my finger right now” while I was cutting fruit. That’s pretty much it. After this whole horrible intrusive thought spiral started happening I was so scared because I have never had such awful intrusive thoughts like this that were the complete opposite of me, it just quite literally started out of NOWHERE, and that’s what was so scary and terrifying. It was like my whole life got turned upside down because of this and I’ve been mainly isolating in my room, feeling so much anxiety and dread and guilt/shame. I get four of the same thoughts and one intrusive image repeating over and over again even if I would not try to think about them, and it caused me so much distress and anxiety that I would be so anxious and cry everyday just thinking how I could ever possibly think such horrible intrusive thoughts like that. It’s caused me insomnia which I’ve never dealt with before and I went three days in a row without being able to sleep no matter how hard I tried (even while taking melatonin). Other days I struggle so much to fall asleep due to the intrusive thoughts being much more present at nighttime, and even when taking melatonin that doesn’t do anything because of my mind being so active and having so much anxiety. Is this what they call an OCD flare up? After constantly looking up all the symptoms of ocd (the more and lesser known ones alike), I noticed there were some symptoms of it that I displayed in childhood when the ocd could’ve been more dormant or mild you could say (skin picking), because once again I have never had such horrible intrusive thoughts like this out of nowhere and constantly repeating in my mind that felt like they were out of my control. I noticed that these intrusive thoughts started on the second day of my menstruation when I was in a lot of pain and was feeling very emotional/stressed. One of the things I’ve heard a lot is that during the menstruation cycle is when ocd flares can happen more often due to the increase in hormones during that time, and I wonder if that’s what happened to me? I’m also overall such a big over thinker and have been for as long as I can remember. I also have had anxiety and depression since middle school as well. Any insight would be very much appreciated 😭

Aldxma.steph

Date posted: 20w

Hello everyone I need some advice/insight please

I don’t have an official OCD diagnosis, but I will be asking my doctor tomorrow if I can get referred to a psychiatrist to get an official diagnosis. The way I came to the conclusion that what I’m dealing with is OCD is because a month and a half ago I just started having the most horrible disturbing intrusive thoughts that go against all my values and beliefs and attacking the stuff/people I care about the most out of absolutely NOWHERE. Mind you, I have never had anything like this happen in my life. I feel that I have always been someone with a peaceful mind and one of the worst intrusive thoughts I can ever remember having before this happened, was “what happens if I cut my finger right now” while I was cutting fruit. That’s pretty much it. After this whole horrible intrusive thought spiral started happening I was so scared because I have never had such awful intrusive thoughts like this that were the complete opposite of me, it just quite literally started out of NOWHERE, and that’s what was so scary and terrifying. It was like my whole life got turned upside down because of this and I’ve been mainly isolating in my room, feeling so much anxiety and dread and guilt/shame. I get four of the same thoughts and one intrusive image repeating over and over again even if I would not try to think about them, and it caused me so much distress and anxiety that I would be so anxious and cry everyday just thinking how I could ever possibly think such horrible intrusive thoughts like that. It’s caused me insomnia which I’ve never dealt with before and I went three days in a row without being able to sleep no matter how hard I tried (even while taking melatonin). Other days I struggle so much to fall asleep due to the intrusive thoughts being much more present at nighttime, and even when taking melatonin that doesn’t do anything because of my mind being so active and having so much anxiety. Is this what they call an OCD flare up? After constantly looking up all the symptoms of ocd (the more and lesser known ones alike), I noticed there were some symptoms of it that I displayed in childhood when the ocd could’ve been more dormant or mild you could say (skin picking), because once again I have never had such horrible intrusive thoughts like this out of nowhere and constantly repeating in my mind that felt like they were out of my control. I noticed that these intrusive thoughts started on the second day of my menstruation when I was in a lot of pain and was feeling very emotional/stressed. One of the things I’ve heard a lot is that during the menstruation cycle is when ocd flares can happen more often due to the increase in hormones during that time, and I wonder if that’s what happened to me? I’m also overall such a big over thinker and have been for as long as I can remember. I also have had anxiety and depression since middle school as well. Any insight would be very much appreciated 😭

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