- Date posted
- 31w
Relationship ocd
I’ve had undiagnosed ocd since I was a child and I always wanted things to be a certain way and when they weren’t I would spiral out of control into distress and Terror to the point where I would destroy or distance myself from whatever was triggering me. I got diagnosed a few years ago I am now 24 and initially I didn’t believe it and sometimes I still don’t. I started my first relationship 3 years ago with a girl I’ve known since high school and we loved each other very much but eventually my ocd drove me to break up with her after we went from living down the street from each other and seeing each other every day to me moving far away to live with my mom. I didn’t have any friends and was lonely so I would start experiencing limerence with people that reminded me of her that I saw at school but I didn’t even know them. The thoughts got so bad that I couldn’t focus in class and would skip classes to avoid people. I eventually broke up with her after being long distance for a bit because I felt like I was cheating on her for having these thoughts constantly and I felt guilty and like a bad person. I didn’t talk to her for a year and I missed her very much I still love her so I reached out after I had a better understanding of my behavior to apologize for breaking up with her. They way I did it was really awful I just told her that I was obsessed with another girl and that I felt like I didn’t love her anymore because that’s how I interpreted my intrusive thoughts at the time so I didn’t want to feel like I was deceiving her and wanted to tell her the truth. When I called her and told her the whole story and that I was sorry she was very kind and understanding considering she already knew I was struggling with mental health. She talked about what she had been up to the year we weren’t speaking and told me that she hooked up with someone. I took it very hard since we were each other’s firsts and only. I never thought that she could do that because she always seemed like she wanted a genuine connection with someone and a relationship so doing it so casually especially not that long after a break up hit me hard and she had mentioned it was when she was really drunk and it happened a few times with the same person who was a coworker of hers. I acknowledge that it might have been her way of grieving and that she was hurting. After this initial call we became friends again and started calling regularly and we would always talk on the phone for hours. It felt like our connection never left and she told me she never stopped loving me. But when she asked if there was a chance of us getting back together again multiple times I would say no and tell her to move on because I was so hurt by what she did even though it was valid since we weren’t together. I knew it would haunt me and I would never see her the same not because I saw her as dirty which she originally thought but because she would always tell me I was her only love and she always only wanted me but then my brain would point to her actions and that doubt would make me not trust her and hate her. Then she met someone else while we were still talking who showed interest in her and I still loved her but it had only been a few months since we started contact again and I was still processing her hooking up with someone. She tried to end contact with me because the new guy she was talking to didn’t like her talking to me which I could understand but they weren’t in a relationship and he was just her friend who she only met a few months prior. After we stopped contact I suffered a lot because I still loved her and missed her but I knew I was sick and still resented her for her actions. But I wrote her one final message expressing that I still loved her but that I hoped she would be happy. She reciprocated and then we met in person again to see if she still felt the same and she immediately was physically affectionate with me hugging me and holding my hand as if I was still her boyfriend which caught me off guard because I had my boundaries up since I knew we were just hanging out as friend but to her it was a date. After talking we felt we would try again considering we still love each other deeply and have a strong connection. We acknowledged the challenges we would have to face together like my ocd which is the biggest problem we face in our relationship in the past and more so now. When I’m calm we are extremely happy and see us getting married and having kids and having a future. However, I constantly get stuck in a spiral where I believe she doesn’t love me or that she’s hiding things from me or that I’m not good enough because of her like others and sleeping with another which previously wasn’t the case. I think I’m trying to mend our relationship and make it whole again justifying the gap year we had apart in my head as just a break and that we still loved each other but then I remember her actions during that time and she tell me she loved me even when we were apart and my thoughts are just screaming LIAR LAIR you can’t trust her. Then I feel so much hatred towards her and I feel like I want nothing to do with her. We’ve been working through this together but it takes a toll on her too and I feel bad. During these spirals I try to get control by telling myself maybe if I see her in the old relationship as my old girlfriend and consider her dead then it will justify her actions and I will just see her as a new girl but that didn’t work. Then I was like maybe I’ll just not be physically affectionate towards her to detach from her that way so I stop hurting but I can’t resist her especially when I feel call I am constantly hugging her. My other thought was maybe I should go hook up with someone myself since she’s the only person I’ve been with and then we can just sleep with whoever but still be together that will make this okay. When it gets really bad I just can’t accept that it even happened and feel like I would rather die then I start getting suicidal intrusive thoughts constantly. I’m not going to breakup with her like I did in the past I am committed to staying by her side and beating my thoughts but it feels impossible and I don’t want to live this way. It’s a constant rollercoaster for the both of us. I start therapy again in 2 weeks I’ve had therapist in the past and taken many medications but it usually made things worse and that’s when we would break up before. I don’t know if anyone has been through anything similar but I would like any advice if you have because I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m either in love with her and we are happy or I hate her so much and I want nothing to do with her because I’m constantly getting thoughts about her past and then I don’t want to not live any longer knowing that she was with someone else. It’s only been 4 months since that first phone call since our 1 year apart so I don’t know if I just need time but I feel like I’ll never see her the same ever again.