Relationship ocd

I’ve had undiagnosed ocd since I was a child and I always wanted things to be a certain way and when they weren’t I would spiral out of control into distress and Terror to the point where I would destroy or distance myself from whatever was triggering me. I got diagnosed a few years ago I am now 24 and initially I didn’t believe it and sometimes I still don’t. I started my first relationship 3 years ago with a girl I’ve known since high school and we loved each other very much but eventually my ocd drove me to break up with her after we went from living down the street from each other and seeing each other every day to me moving far away to live with my mom. I didn’t have any friends and was lonely so I would start experiencing limerence with people that reminded me of her that I saw at school but I didn’t even know them. The thoughts got so bad that I couldn’t focus in class and would skip classes to avoid people. I eventually broke up with her after being long distance for a bit because I felt like I was cheating on her for having these thoughts constantly and I felt guilty and like a bad person. I didn’t talk to her for a year and I missed her very much I still love her so I reached out after I had a better understanding of my behavior to apologize for breaking up with her. They way I did it was really awful I just told her that I was obsessed with another girl and that I felt like I didn’t love her anymore because that’s how I interpreted my intrusive thoughts at the time so I didn’t want to feel like I was deceiving her and wanted to tell her the truth. When I called her and told her the whole story and that I was sorry she was very kind and understanding considering she already knew I was struggling with mental health. She talked about what she had been up to the year we weren’t speaking and told me that she hooked up with someone. I took it very hard since we were each other’s firsts and only. I never thought that she could do that because she always seemed like she wanted a genuine connection with someone and a relationship so doing it so casually especially not that long after a break up hit me hard and she had mentioned it was when she was really drunk and it happened a few times with the same person who was a coworker of hers. I acknowledge that it might have been her way of grieving and that she was hurting. After this initial call we became friends again and started calling regularly and we would always talk on the phone for hours. It felt like our connection never left and she told me she never stopped loving me. But when she asked if there was a chance of us getting back together again multiple times I would say no and tell her to move on because I was so hurt by what she did even though it was valid since we weren’t together. I knew it would haunt me and I would never see her the same not because I saw her as dirty which she originally thought but because she would always tell me I was her only love and she always only wanted me but then my brain would point to her actions and that doubt would make me not trust her and hate her. Then she met someone else while we were still talking who showed interest in her and I still loved her but it had only been a few months since we started contact again and I was still processing her hooking up with someone. She tried to end contact with me because the new guy she was talking to didn’t like her talking to me which I could understand but they weren’t in a relationship and he was just her friend who she only met a few months prior. After we stopped contact I suffered a lot because I still loved her and missed her but I knew I was sick and still resented her for her actions. But I wrote her one final message expressing that I still loved her but that I hoped she would be happy. She reciprocated and then we met in person again to see if she still felt the same and she immediately was physically affectionate with me hugging me and holding my hand as if I was still her boyfriend which caught me off guard because I had my boundaries up since I knew we were just hanging out as friend but to her it was a date. After talking we felt we would try again considering we still love each other deeply and have a strong connection. We acknowledged the challenges we would have to face together like my ocd which is the biggest problem we face in our relationship in the past and more so now. When I’m calm we are extremely happy and see us getting married and having kids and having a future. However, I constantly get stuck in a spiral where I believe she doesn’t love me or that she’s hiding things from me or that I’m not good enough because of her like others and sleeping with another which previously wasn’t the case. I think I’m trying to mend our relationship and make it whole again justifying the gap year we had apart in my head as just a break and that we still loved each other but then I remember her actions during that time and she tell me she loved me even when we were apart and my thoughts are just screaming LIAR LAIR you can’t trust her. Then I feel so much hatred towards her and I feel like I want nothing to do with her. We’ve been working through this together but it takes a toll on her too and I feel bad. During these spirals I try to get control by telling myself maybe if I see her in the old relationship as my old girlfriend and consider her dead then it will justify her actions and I will just see her as a new girl but that didn’t work. Then I was like maybe I’ll just not be physically affectionate towards her to detach from her that way so I stop hurting but I can’t resist her especially when I feel call I am constantly hugging her. My other thought was maybe I should go hook up with someone myself since she’s the only person I’ve been with and then we can just sleep with whoever but still be together that will make this okay. When it gets really bad I just can’t accept that it even happened and feel like I would rather die then I start getting suicidal intrusive thoughts constantly. I’m not going to breakup with her like I did in the past I am committed to staying by her side and beating my thoughts but it feels impossible and I don’t want to live this way. It’s a constant rollercoaster for the both of us. I start therapy again in 2 weeks I’ve had therapist in the past and taken many medications but it usually made things worse and that’s when we would break up before. I don’t know if anyone has been through anything similar but I would like any advice if you have because I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m either in love with her and we are happy or I hate her so much and I want nothing to do with her because I’m constantly getting thoughts about her past and then I don’t want to not live any longer knowing that she was with someone else. It’s only been 4 months since that first phone call since our 1 year apart so I don’t know if I just need time but I feel like I’ll never see her the same ever again.

djflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 34w

Is the therapist you're seeing an OCD specialist? I think ERP therapy is worth trying if you haven't yet. This is a classic case of getting caught up in the vortex of thought, and feeling like the thoughts are more important than they really are. If you only listen to your thoughts, you will never be 100% secure in this relationship. You will always doubt her, and yourself. This is not something you'll be able to solve by thinking through it. What you need to learn is that no person or relationship will be perfect, which is probably something you intuitively understand but deep down you're rejecting it because you're afraid. You need to learn that it's okay for a relationship not to be perfect, and that it's okay to feel whatever feelings come up. We fuel OCD by trying to avoid anxiety. We try to avoid anxiety by fighting with intrusive thoughts. This resistance is what keeps the thoughts coming, because we literally train the brain to think them more often by paying so much attention to them. This is a matter of letting go of the wheel, and proving to yourself that the anxiety of an imperfect relationship is not the end of the world that you think it is. It's a matter of getting more in touch with your feelings than your thoughts. People with OCD also tend to get stuck in black and white thinking. Just look at the end of your post: "I'm either in love with her and we are happy or I hate her so much and want nothing to do with her..." This is the kind of extreme thinking that comes with OCD. The reality is very likely somewhere in the middle, but uncertainty makes you uncomfortable so you're desperately trying to prove one extreme or the other. This will take a lot of time to heal but it's absolutely possible, especially with a good OCD therapist. Wishing you all the best!

Anonymous

Date posted: 25w

is it rocd or just a relationship?

hey you guys i’m new to the app, i just wanted to come on here and share part of what i’ve been struggling with recently- around the beginning of 2024 i started having intrusive thoughts and they completely took over my life to the point where i began planning my suicide once i had finished out some of my commitments for that year. during that time i met this girl and we began texting and keeping in touch with each other every single day since last february. (tw suicide) unfortunately i did have to spend some time in a hospital after i attempted suicide in may of 2024 and i never really knew if this girl was into me or if she even liked girls but we kept talking up until the end of october where we finally said we liked each other. immediately i could tell smth was wrong bc i was shaking and crying and completely scared because i wanted to be very clear that i couldn’t commit to a relationship and then i disclosed to her i was in the hospital in may and i still hadn’t fully recovered from that (#stillhavent #butiwillsoitsokay😛) and i felt awful that i had responded to such an amazing moment like that andever since then i had been plagued with these constant thoughts about not liking her, being straight (which i still don’t know and fully branched out into SOOCD and i have an incredibly hard time distinguishing what is OCD and what is genuinely true about my sexuality because ive never really felt like this for a girl) and for about 4 months we went out on dates where i felt absolutely horrible because i felt like i wasn’t acting like myself or i was being rude to her or i was more attracted to male passerby’s than her or i accidentally thought something about her that just felt so mean and horrible. i also convinced myself it could never work because i couldn’t picture her face and that continued for the first two months, but then i decided to call things off at the beginning of march because i just couldn’t handle debating if i actually liked her if i was gay if i was a horrible person and if i was wrong for all the things i thought every single day and currently we’re on a break because i tried to call things off and she kind of talked me out of it in a very kind and understanding way. i just hate leaving her in limbo because at the end of the day i just want her to be happy because she is an amazing incredible and sweet person and if i wasted more of her time i’d feel even more awful. kinda long lowk… if u read all this thank u and lmk what u think:)

Date posted: 17w

Relationship OCD, obsessed with girlfriend’s past

Hi all, I’m new here and this is my first post. I was diagnosed with OCD back in March and started therapy, but was only able to complete a few sessions before my therapist had a baby. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 11 months and I’ve constantly been thinking about her past. More specifically something she told me that happened while her and I were speaking. In just two days it will be a year since she told me about the fact that she was assaulted by someone she met online. ( we both met online). It took place while we were talking. Originally when she told me, she told me she had sex with a guy she met online she told me she went over to watch a movie and then they had sex. Recently after we discussed it since it was weighing on my mind, she revealed to me that it wasn’t consensual and that she was sexually assaulted/raped. She told me she initially thought it was sex because it’s what she was sued to from her last relationship. She was abused and assaulted a lot by her ex, and this thing was normal for her. She said she didn’t realize how bad everything was until after we had been dating and she saw what true consensual sex was. The problem I have is that my brain knows every detail of what happened but keeps blaming her for her. My brain keeps telling me it was her choice and her fault and it justifies it by saying that she went over knowing it was a possibility he would want sex, so therefore it’s her fault. This has been straining me for so long because I can’t stop thinking about it. Everything seems to trigger a thought about it. I know inside what happened and what led to it, but I constantly think about it possibly being something else. I constantly think about every little detail. It has led me to having thoughts of “maybe I shouldn’t date someone that did this” as it doesn’t match my definition of the “perfect partner”. I have no idea what to do anymore. I obsess over things she had done with her ex in order to be loved by him. Like drinking, smoking weed, etc all things that I am against. I know she doesn’t do this anymore and was coaxed into it, but I’m constantly overwhelmed by thoughts of “she isn’t perfect because of XYZ so I shouldn’t be with her”. I won’t go into any details about the assault out of respect for her. I feel I’m constantly fighting myself and every good day I have gets overshadowed by one bad day :( I cannot see my therapist again until August and it worries me a lot.

hodgyb

Date posted: 8w

New to ROCD (thoughts, advice?)

I’ve dealt with ocd themes for as long as I can remember, POCD, HOCD, false memory, the feelings of having to confess something, washing certain body parts a specific amount of times, all of it I am still pretty young and I just got into my first relationship. I always knew ROCD existed I just never had the chance to have an experience with it 😭 and here I am. I really do think I have an anxious attachment style. But it’s also like I constantly worry if I’m too much or if i should not be in a relationship or if I rlly love my partner like I tell him. I am sensitive and very communicative so when things bother me I like to communicate them but then I worry that I do too much or I worry that it isn’t normal to find this many things wrong so early in a relationship. I also worry if he doesn’t like me or if he Will get tired of me, but those thoughts are easier to get by. The hard thoughts r the ones where I doubt my feelings for him. My mind feels like a MESS! And it’s harder because we only see eachother once a week. This may be heaven compared to other ppl who struggle with real long distance but for me the time in between gives me a lot of time to nitpick things that aren’t even real problems and create a sense of a toxic relationship that isn’t even real! The only times where I feel like maybe it’s all in my head are when. I see him and the days after, but when it gets long it gets rlly hard. I rlly do love him and he gives me reassurance when needed but I can’t help but focus on the negatives when little things bother me, especially when we are apart from eachother and jsut texting. Texting is hard because then there is the obsession over waiting to see how long he will take, not knowing the tone of texts, and being able to over analyze every conversation we’ve had. I also do mental checks to help me reassure myself that I love him 😭 like when’s the last time he made me laugh, what are some nice things he’s done that I rlly liked, and jsut trying to actively acknowledge everything he’s done so I can stop panicking abt the fear that I don’t love him. It’s literally only been 2 months of us dating so the fact my ocd is so early onset annoys me so bad because I rlly do feel like I am still in the crucial stages of a relationship where we are learning how to love eachother, so there should be some ups and downs and minor arguments while we get over this phase… but I can’t help but wonder what if these little things just mean I hate him? It’s extreme but I worry and the reels and tik toks I see about people realizing they don’t love their partner make it all bad!

Relationship OCD

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