im so tired

i don't think i ever felt this bad before. ive had ocd since i was 14 or so, almost a decade, but now it's truly the worst it's ever been. i can't even enjoy being with the love of my life anymore, everything about our intimacy triggers me, im costantly afraid that i abused her in some way and that she doesn't remember because she's in denial, or im always terrified im having some horrible intentions towards her and that i always end up forgetting them. it's so deeply confusing, she seems so happy being with me she says she loves me so much and i can see it in how she looks at me, but i feel like a monster. most of the time i wish she could find someone better, if she asked me j would break up with her and do anything in my power to make her have the life she deserves. i don't know what to do anymore im exhausted. therapy is not helping at all, i Just get told constantly that i shouldnt think about these things, that its illogical, and it does nothing for me.

captain_kapai

Date posted: 27w

I am sorry to hear you are feeling that way, this sounds difficult. Great, that you searched for help, OCD is treatable. What it requires though is a therapist who does exposure and response prevention. Does your therapist do this? I can understand that their response is not helpful at all.

aaanonymous

Date posted: 27w

she is an ocd specialist, i think she does erp? what she says is that when i have an intrusive thought or worry that i should do something that grounds me and distracts me basically, that i should focus on what im doing and stuff like that. she says to practice mindfulness and to try and do things that make me happy. but its genuinely not working at all, its been like 5 months so ig it could be normal but it truly feels like nothings happening. tbh it might be my fault as well bc i still have a hard time not doing compulsions and i don't tell her everything that goes thru my mind, idk, i honestly don't want to talk about some things cus it feels pointless

but_what_if_...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27w

If neither of you have the bad memories then it’s super unlikely there’s a secret vault of evil hiding there. That’s reassurance to help you for now, but you’ll need to learn to shoo away those thoughts on your own too. OCD is a twisted thing that wants to convince us we’re evil (well, for many types of OCD like this, and not with some other types). Sometimes it helps me to address it directly and be like “I see what you’re trying to do and it’s not going to work. No thank you- go away. Stop trying to ruin a good thing please byyyyeeee.” It’s this inner saboteur that wants to take what we care about and make up something horrible to ruin it. We have to be strong and tell OCD that it’s not welcome, then try to focus on the reality of the present moment happening in life, outside our thoughts.

aaanonymous

Date posted: 23w

ocd ruined my relationship

i hate ocd so deeply. just a few months ago the idea of moving in ( in the future ) with the love of my life was comforting and it kept me going. the idea of sharing our lives was everything i needed. now because of ocd it feels like a nightmare, im not excited anymore. ocd makes me doubt that im a bad lover, that i wanted to deeply hurt my lover in the past and that i forgot about it. our relationship was the most comforting thing in my life, genuinely a safe place where i could rest, i felt normal around my lover i could let go of the feeling that I'm a monster. now it's terrible, it's all ruined, i feel like we shouldn't be together, it's a genuine nightmare, and it's not because of them, i love them so much they are the most beautiful person i ever met. it's just that not knowing if i wanted to hurt them or not makes me feel like i shouldnt be around them, so insisting on being in their life makes me feel horrified. my therapist says i shouldn't break up with them because this is all ocd. my lover wants to be with me, they always tell me about how they can't wait to live together, i think they r happy and feel loved in this relationship but it doesn't change how i feel. i Just wish i could go back in time idk what to do anymore. this is what i cherished most in my life and i don't have it anymore and i don't know if ill ever get it back

anonymous737...

Date posted: 23w

someone pls answer!

I have ocd, i have crazy intrusive thoughts that make me super uncomfortable, the thing is i understand that ocd goes against your morals and try’s to make you feel like a bad person but how do i avoid pushing people away while trying to treat my ocd.. i love my boyfriend so so much but when i get intrusive thoughts about hurting his feelings or doing something terrible it scares me so bad that i’m scared to be around him because in my head it’s like “why am i even thinking of this if i love him so much” and i know i would never do anything to hurt him but i just feel terrible because he’s an amazing boyfriend and i have all these bad thoughts. :(

laladracu

Date posted: 17w

OCD is through the roof

i am convinced im a psycho killer. everytime im around my mom or sister i get these intense thoughts of stabbing or hurting them. when they’re not around its not as intense but its still there. its literally on my mind 24/7. im so tense 24/7. were currently looking for a puppy for the family and when me and my sister were playing with them today the thought was still there. nothing distracts me from it. video games and EVERYTHING else doesn’t work. im starting to feel like i WANT to do these things. i was never like this until i had a marijuana induced panic attack in january. i feel like something happened to my brain and its not just ocd anymore. i dont even know if im faking it. i have suffered from relationship ocd, pedophile ocd, and health ocd. i got over those relatively quickly. this new theme came out of nowhere after a panic attack on a plane coming home from a horror convention in february. i dont see a way out of this one. its been months. i try to let them sit and i get a panic attack. all i do everyday is cry. i feel like my life is over. i talk to a therapist and i have tried two medications that didnf work work. i dont know how to live like this. im afraid im gonna lose my relationship and im afraid im gonna lose my whole life ahead of me. im just 22. i just want the old me back.

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im so tired

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