TW: people being okay without me. Only read if you are doing really well! I got triggered earlier and now I'm kinda just thinking about how people don't need me. If I wasn't around, my friends and family would continue life like normal.
I am going through the literal same thing. But maybe this will help. Do you live to be needed? I think what you meant is that you feel like you are not wanted. If that’s the case, I am 100% understand how that can make you feel. One thing that has helped me is reminding myself that my perception of what I think about people around me is almost always not true. Which is frustrating because people have a way of making you feel that way. The truth I learned is that while my head is telling me that, life is not black and white as my head tends to make things out to be. Unfortunately, with OCD, it doesn’t like that. It wants a certain yes or no answer. The other piece of this is that people tend to be hyper fixated on their own lives and so you might not be on their minds to the level you would like. Which still sucks because you want to feel loved. You are loved! The only thing is your brain has a tendency to have certain expectations that are demised when are not met in the way that your brain is expecting. When that doesn’t happen, your OCD is going to be like “well, since they didn’t do this or that, then what’s the point?” The person in front of you might not have any doubts about that they love you. It just comes down to perception. One more thing, sorry of the long answer! You inspire people, people that you might not even know. You will never see this. I have also learn to accept that live will have waves of time periods where you won’t have the right people around you. Sometimes, it will feel like you are going through years on end with little communications and then you make better relationships and so on. It might not seem like it but waves like this will happen, where we wonder if anyone will even notice if we didn’t exist. I hope that this all makes sense, and know that you are loved!
Thanks for the reply! I do want to be loved, and it often feels like I'm not and that people like others more than me (which that part might be true because people do have favorites, such as best friends). But I do also mean the word "needed". I don't like knowing that if I wasn't around, it wouldn't actually matter. I do actually want to be "necessary" tbh, maybe that's a bit selfish though
I know those thoughts can feel so real, but they don’t reflect the truth. Your family and friends would absolutely feel your absence—you bring something to their lives that no one else can. Even if they don’t always show it in the way you might need, you matter deeply to them. The OCD community is here for you, and I’m here for you too. You are not alone in this. 💕
Thank you! I know that people would notice my absence, but after a time that would fade. And it's also that I know that if they didn't meet me in the first place, they wouldn't even know to miss me and would live their life completely without me
Try not to let those thoughts get to you. I know that your family is very appreciative of your company and they love you for being with them.
Yeah, I know. I still feel that they would be okay if they had someone else around instead
@Anonymous I don't think so, but that may be intrusive thoughts telling you these feelings. I'm sorry that you have those thoughts but they are just thoughts.
@BigGyro09 Thanks. Idk, it's definitely an existential question
I have this coworker she goes on different dates every week adn she 24. We were talking about a thirs co-worker because she looks sad and I was like "maybe her partner broke up with her". My coworker was like bro if that hapens to me and im 29/30 I'll just take a sick leave for at least a week. and I was like common, its not that bad! and she goes like bro imagine your bf breaking up with you. An guys when I tell you it felt like I wouldnt feel a thing I am not exagerationg which made my body freeze. So I was like yeah that would suck and it would be bad for a bit but ill move on eventually! And shes like "girl I dont think you're in love haha". First of all wtf common who are you to tell me that secondly I was sooooo triggered!! and the thing that triggered me even more is being triggered and scared because according to a tiktok of madeleine argy "if it scared you then it must be true, people arent afraid of things that arent true". ughhhh i hate this!!! I just wanted ti be normal!! what do you guys think?
tw . . . . . . I don't want to trigger anyone, so please be warned before reading. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know if I deserve... anything. I've had two therapists now tell me I'm normal and I don't need to worry so much, but I find it hard to believe them. Just when I think I'm doing okay, thoughts flood back in. I feel like the world is better off without me in it and that others would agree if they weren't a paid therapist there to give me reassurance. I'm tempted to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve this. I want to pretend I'm okay for the sake of my parents. But if they passed away, I'm not sure I'd have much strength to live for myself. This feeling is pretty bad right now. Overwhelming. I have absolutely no love for myself. I can't even distract myself by watching TV or shows I love, because all I can think is, "Look at those people. They deserve to live and be happy, and I'm not one of them." Gah, this is bad. I'm an adult, and I feel like such a baby for feeling this way. How dramatic am I? How can other people have similar (if not worse) thoughts than me, and then still be ok with themselves? I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling okay. I feel ok momentarily, but then it all comes crashing down. I can't stand it. All I want is for things to go back to how they used to be.
This is just a vent. Feels nice to just be honest about who I am and my deficiencies. Mental health advocates are always like "you deserve to live no matter what" and I'm like "bet lol" I am not a good person whose presence has any positive impact on the world. I'm not evil, just useless without having the excuse of depression or whatever (it's anxiety based but again who gives a shit). If I were to go away, I wouldn't be missed because I contribute nothing of note. If we did not live in the US where you can get by without being socially accepted as long as you have loving parents, I would either be dead or would have stepped up and might actually be a valuable member of society (like between being dead and pushing through my anxiety I would probably choose the latter lol). Interpersonally, I have no redeeming qualities. No I'm not one of those people who says that shit and then lists all the ways they're actually decent but just have low self-esteem, I'm genuinely useless. I'm unreliable when it comes to group projects and my job, usually doing the bare minimum or less than that. When it comes to my work in general, I tend to drop the ball, often waiting till the last minute to get started on it, turning it in late, or simply not turning it in at all. I make promises about the things I will do and then don't do them. I also lack initiative and just follow orders. Socially, I don't have any friends and don't make an effort to try to gain any - I tend to act distant in social interactions and don't join in when people are having group conversations. I'm a talented artist, but the only work I've ever shown others in the last few years has been shoddy, amateurish, and completely unreflective of my abilities, and I've never been complimented for it lol. How do I feel about all this? Pretty freaking bad, yet I make no effort to change. I'm afraid of most things so I avoid them, screwing up my own life and negatively affecting other people's as well. Despite all this, I have this desire to be accepted by someone else as I am. The fact that I accept myself shows that it's possible, I guess (you could argue that I don't have a choice but I definitely chose to be okay with myself after years of self-loathing). I have a shit-ton of flaws and nothing to really offset them - I mean I'm self-aware but I think self-awareness is completely useless if you don't do anything about what you've observed in yourself, and less self-aware people are able to take more risks - and I just have this fantasy of someone showing up and looking at all that I am and being like "you have contributed literally nothing to society and you have no redeeming qualities but I accept you as you are and love you, for no reason other than I just do." But based on the comics I've read this can only happen if you're childhood friends who've known each other for a long time lol. No reason someone's gonna want to be friends with some random person who leaves a poor first impression and doesn't do anything to further the relationship. The plus side of this is that I have a /lot/ of room for growth, lots of things to change that could make me a better person. The negative side is that it is still just as hard to not be avoidant af as it was yesterday
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