Feels like idk myself:(

A little sad and down. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I grew up with trauma, made mistakes, dealt and still deal with hyper sexuality, and my ocd is so bad. All of this makes me feel tainted, like a weird bad person. I hate being around people and even talking to therapist bc I feel like ive successfully fooled them. Also, I recently saw a POCD hate train on TikTok so now I just feel like a fraud. I get all these thoughts and feelings that im just using ocd as a mask because I actually am a bad person.. and that im some sicko or something, and also my brain tells me and I go back and forth with myself about “oh you just have morals because you don’t want to be shunned from society, and if you were to have no rules you would do disturbing things” and I know I wouldn’t, because I have morals now that are ingraved into me…I just want a normal life. I just want to feel normal. I tend to feel useless in this world, when I really want to do good things but I feel tainted and like I taint this world. I try not to let this consume me but it’s hard.. If you read this thank you. I know I am just in a funk right now but sometimes I wonder if it will be a forever funk… or that I need to “accept” im a bad person so that I can move on… which I won’t bc even if I am (maybe maybe not… I will never know with ocd) I wouldn’t want to be.

CobraMan

Date posted: 42w

That’s funny, I’ve done the same thought experiment where I ask myself “but what if there were a society no consequences?” and I had to recognize how silly it was

dee012

Date posted: 42w

@Cobra Man No, literally it’s so stupid. We are not in a society with no rules, I would never know what type of person I would be if I was born into a society with no rules. That is such a reach like lmao… Then my OCD tries to make me picture scenarios like “oh if u were in (insert disturbing situation where I’m a bad person), and nobody was around and u wouldn’t get caught and could get away with it, would u do it??” then I go back and forth with myself and being like no… but then my brain is like what if… or yes u would… it just feels so real like im a bad person. Like extremely real to the point where I just have to be like bro I don’t know I can’t figure that out right now to my OCD.. the more I try to figure stuff out the worse it is Sorry for vent. Is really long lol

CobraMan

Date posted: 42w

@dee012 I remember seeing the movie West World and freaking out because I was worried thinking what I would do in a fictional world like that, or I will remember open-world video games I played where I did violent stuff and I think “is this the real me deep down inside?”

dee012

Date posted: 42w

@Cobra Man Same but with the show Alice in borderline just in a society no rules We will get through this Sucks:(

nae nae

Date posted: 42w

I saw a couple of comments on TikTok, too, that were really triggering. I don't necessarily blame them for reacting that way. It is a sensitive topic... I understand it might be confusing for them, but I wish they'd at least do research before commenting about it... It's so misunderstood, and I hate that. Especially seeing people say things like POCD is just a label we're hiding behind. I've had similar "what ifs" run through my mind while spiraling, but it's not true. I hate to see so many people online spreading misinformation about OCD. I really relate to everything you mentioned above, though. I've run through those thoughts about a million times. I'd trade nearly anything to get rid of this horrible theme. It's flipped my life upside-down, and I know it's going to cause more hurdles in the future if I'm not recovered from it by then...

dee012

Date posted: 42w

@nae nae Yes same. I honestly wish it wasn’t demonized so much.. and it just scares me All of my bad themes of ocd make me feel like im just hiding behind a label. It makes me so sad :(( it has also caused hurdles in my life I just ask God why lol like whyyyyyyyy.. I have impending doom feelings like thinking about the future and being scared OCD is gonna take me out lol.. I just hate this. Especially for all of us… it sucks. If my ocd has gotten this bad I can only imagine how it’s been for others with similar themes😞 Being a girl also makes me feel worse about all of this. Like I can’t feel feminine, or pretty anymore. I just feel like a disgusting old man perv trapped in a 19 y/o body. But once again im stuck with the mindset that we will get through this no matter what. I’m gonna try to stop worrying if im a bad person, bad people truly don’t worry this much im assuming… maybe maybe not. I really do hope your OCD heals. And you will be able to manage 99 percent of it hopefully 100. You have helped me so much!! You deserve good things

nae nae

Date posted: 42w

@dee012 I feel the exact same, especially with feeling tainted or dirty and not being able to feel feminine. If I'm out with people, there's always a point where I'll start to feel like an imposter, and it sucks. It really does. You're right, though. We will get through this. You've made so much progress, and I'm so, so proud of you. You deserve good things, too, and you deserve to feel feminine or pretty. You have such a beautiful and kind soul, and I hope you're able to get to a point where OCD doesn't prevent you from seeing that and enjoying life 🥹🫂

dee012

Date posted: 42w

@nae nae Thank you!! I am proud of you also!! Ocd doesn’t have the right to take these things away from us so we won’t let it. I try to enjoy life little by little each day even if it’s thanking the trees and wind for comforting me when im sitting outside LOL

nae nae

Date posted: 42w

@dee012 Real... The little things are so, so important in times like this!

Mon7

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 42w

You are not a bad person. ❤️

dee012

Date posted: 42w

@Mon7 Thank you.. 😞🩷🩷I try to keep that in mind

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