false memory ocd :(

TW// MENTION OF DR8GS, SXUAL CONTENT false memory ocd is targeting my earlier teen years, around 16, I had a friend and we both did droogs (spelled it like that for a reason) one time together. I was scared to do the other stuff we had so she did it. but I remember us like touching eachothers chest as like girl stuff I guess idk it was weird lol… like about our sizes but then later on I had asked her smthng about ohh “would u ever wanna do stuff? or would u feel like that’s weird” something along those lines… and I remember her saying “ohhh I mean idk I would but I wouldn’t want it to make things weird between us”.. now here’s my thing. I remember just agreeing and accepting it and moving on, but obviously feeling weird cus that was sortve rejection. But my brain is saying what if u kept asking? Or questioned her? (We never did anything but likeee my ocd is like what if u tried to push it) and my brain is like what if u wanted to do it just bc she was under influence? I wanted us both to do it while under influence 1. Because we wouldn’t be anxious 2. I thought it would be fun at the time 3. I felt like it would be less weird if we were high. I did not PLAN for us to do these substances just for this reason but it was in my head that maybe we would do stuff if we had a sleepover or something plus I had just gotten out of a relationship with a guy and I also like girls. All im thinking is what if she said yes? MY high wore off before hers and hers was lasting longer so she would’ve been under the influence and that would’ve been super bad I would’ve felt like I 🍇 her or something… that’s why im scared right now. Idk if these what ifs are true and I literally am sick with uncertainty. If it’s true that would make me feel so terrible, like a predator (like I tried to coerce her or something) but idk what’s true and what’s not. I just remember this false memory being triggered by the fact that I asked when we were on stuff but my stuff had already wore off is what’s bothering me. (We took different things) I remember worrying about this false memory before, and was able to move on. Also me and that girl were friends for a couple years after that until we fell out over stupidity. And we also had sleepovers after that and idk if I already asked her for reassurance like ohhh are u sure I didn’t make u uncomfortable.. but idk if I did. I want to ask but I can’t because I guess she is not around right now. Like MIA.(her own personal stuff im assuming) Any advice would help :(

nae nae

Date posted: 24w

I understand how hard accepting the uncertainty about this might be, but I don't think using logic would ease any worries you're having (due to OCD). But, let's lay out what we do know. The fact she remained friends and even had other sleepovers with you means we can assume she wasn't uncomfortable. So, you likely didn't push or try to coerce her. False memories can feel SO real, but if they WERE real, you wouldn't be questioning their validity. At least, not to this extent. If what happened really did upset her, I'm sure she would have brought it up to you at some point :)

dee012

Date posted: 24w

@nae nae Yes I would hope so. I remember worrying about this false memory and expressing it to my at the time bf. And around that time she had slept over twice I think, and I don’t know if I asked her for reassurance. She had knew about my OCD as well when it was first new to me beginning of high school. I just hate that like, I felt like back then and even recently last year when we had a sleepover, I thought “she’s down for anything, so she’d probably be down for that and it won’t be weird” sortve like it would be easy to do stuff with her.. like it wouldn’t be an issue and we could just do it as friends and it wouldn’t take much like TRYING(trying meaning I guess like feeling up on her, flirting , etc.. like easy meaning I could just ask lol) But she sortve let herself go at a certain point of her life which is why she was having s3 x a lot….which I do feel sad for and feel bad that I still wanted to pursue those interactions as friends while her going through a difficult time. We never ended up doing anything. I literally don’t think I asked anything abt that type of stuff since that time I was 16. Anything else was just like in my brain yk she never knew. We fell out because I got super mad at her and flipped tf out because I thought she was trying to set me up(that’s a different story but it was suspicious). So now im sad like I can’t even go ask her again, and like if I had the chance to I couldn’t because she’s in jail right now and that’s so f-ed up to be like “hey ur in jail but IM WORRIED” . I don’t know if any of this is making sense. Sorry if I said anything super bad… everytime I open up about something new I feel like that will be the deal breaker of others thinking yea she’s a bad person.

dee012

Date posted: 24w

@nae nae Sorry for the vent. Not trying to ask for reassurance. I just feel like I need someone to know every detail so I know I haven’t fooled them or something. (Compulsion lol.)

nae nae

Date posted: 24w

@dee012 Don't apologize! I know how you feel, but you didn't say anything wrong. I don't think you're a bad person, and I don't think you had bad intentions. You were young. We all do things that we look back on and feel embarrassed about or regret, and it's because we've matured since those memories. Even if it was just a few years ago... You obviously can't get reassurance from the source, and even if you could, I'm not sure it'd help in the long run. You're going to have to trust what you know for a fact and respond with "maybe, maybe not" for the rest of it. Or even just a simple, "I don't know."

dee012

Date posted: 24w

@nae nae Yes the time I asked her was when I was 16. And then the last part where I said how like I sortve took her recklessness and like “hoeing around” as opportunity (like she would be down) to do something and it not be weird. That was when I was 18, like last year. I never ended up asking her or like bringing it up but it makes me really sad I saw like her vulnerability as opportunity that’s like objectifying and I feel really bad.. 😞😞like if I had asked her and she consented and if I asked r u sure and we did stuff, that wouldn’t be good because who knows like if her being in a not so good place in life just makes her more willing to do stuff like that. These are all just what ifs but the fact that it could’ve happened is really upsetting me and once again sorry for the long message. OCD aside I don’t really know how to deal with this or feel about this. I’m like really sad I just don’t want to be seen as asking reassurance I just don’t how to forgive myself or move on from this… so like this part isn’t false memory it’s just like me feeling bad for unhealthy thought process

dee012

Date posted: 24w

@nae nae I feel really bad for typing a lot. And then I feel even more bad that I keep apologizing . I appreciate you taking the time to respond as I may be difficult conversing with lol. I just seem like im apologizing for my existence

nae nae

Date posted: 24w

@dee012 You're not difficult to converse with at all! I know you aren't feeling your best, and that's perfectly okay. I apologize a lot too, lol. It's just habit. The first step to forgiving ourselves is acknowledging our mistakes. In this case, you're recognizing that you aren't proud of that unhealthy thought process. You didn't hurt anyone, so the only person who needs to forgive you in this situation is yourself. Writing might help you process your emotions on the situation, but you also need to have compassion for yourself during this. We all make mistakes. It's how we grow. Recognize that you can't change the past, but you can make a difference now... Treat yourself gently. I'm always here if you need to talk 🤍

dee012

Date posted: 24w

@nae nae Thank you so much. I would want to talk more but I am worried I would use that for reassurance seeking and just a compulsion. You know? So I try to keep my comments minimum but I end up going on and on and on lol. I really do need to find an outlet for this type of stuff. Whether it’s journaling, or talking to a therapist. Every mistake I make it feels like I need to tell everyone and feel extreme guilt and shame until I can move on, I don’t know why. I don’t know if you go through this also, but I get such a tight unsettling feeling in my chest. Like impending doom, and extreme anxiety. Sometimes I even get nauseous and sick. I hate this I do need to forgive myself, and realize you know just because someone is more open to things because of how their life is going, does not mean I should see that as an opportunity for my own wants and needs, that’s objectifying and I wouldn’t want that being done to me. I know I wasn’t maliciously thinking of doing anything bad, but I can still acknowledge the thought process being unhealthy and not to engage or base my seggsual opportunities on that you know? Like I remember around age 16-17 , I had a “hoe phase” and even though I consented a lot of those times, I felt really bad about myself after bc I was in a rough place and just using that stuff to cope. So I have to imagine how she would feel, if I asked and she did consent, maybe she wouldn’t have felt the best later on or like regretted it. So all I can do is learn from this and forgive myself and move on. Thank you for your kind words. I will be discussing this with my therapist to help me move forward. 🩷

nae nae

Date posted: 24w

@dee012 Yeah, I've definitely been there. A couple of months ago, every day, I'd wake up to immediate nauseating anxiety due to the amount of shame and guilt I felt. It was one of the worst feelings I've had to live with, and I'm sorry it's something you experience as well. I'm glad you're planning on discussing it with your therapist. I think it'd be helpful to have someone guide you through that! Hopefully, it'll lessen the anxiety you're currently having to live with :( I think you've done a great job handling this so far. I'm proud of you 🫂🤍

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

Bless your heart. Everyone can ask themselves " what if i did this" we all have moments in our lives where we had a choice to make and some of us make dumb decisions regardless. That is to be human. Im not going to give you reassurance but ill give you perspective. I am married now to the love of my life and i " have it all" as some would say. I home, a job, some good friends, good health, but it wasn't always that way. I was an alcoholic and dabbled in substances from 19-26. I don't have the luxury of wondering IF i did bad things, i KNOW i did. i did not respect my body and i did not respect others, i did not respect other peoples relationships, i did things that still make my skin crawl 10 years later. now, when I'm in a good state of mind, i am able to forgive myself and just let the past stay in the past. when OCD grabs ahold, its " what if your husband knew all the things you have done? would he still love you? you need to tell him everything to make sure? " and THAT is an awful way to feel. i felt like i didn't deserve anything i had, that it was all a lie, that i was not worthy of my happiness. It was a rough period and i ended up telling my husband a few things i wish i had not when my compulsions to confess were too strong to deny. But i was able to stop myself from telling him EVERYTHING and sat with that discomfort until the spell passed. it took several months and sometimes ill remember something iv done and cringe a bit and think" yikes I'm glad i didn't reveal THAT to my husband". i no longer feel unworthy, i don't feel like I'm lying to him. I KNOW he doesn't want to know things that we cant change. The important thing is that was old me, she lives in the past, new me would never do those things so its not important to keep those skeletons around anymore. I also acknowledge that those hards times molded me into the person i am today, and i think I'm a decent person. ami perfect? nope, but i respect my body, i respect my friends and i live my life by the morals that are important to me and i give myself forgiveness for the stupid things iv done. This is where you need to be. something that almost happened..still NEVER happened, you can ask yourself ALL DAY " what if it did? so what? lif might be different now, but you didn't so its not important. I got in a DWI wreck when i was 21. what if i had killed someone? i could destroy myself asking myself this... but i didn't. and i don't drink and drive anymore ( i don't even drink anymore) so i don't need to live int he past and neither do.

dee012

Date posted: 24w

False memory ocd Help Please

Any advice? I just got triggered by false memory OCD. There is no indicator or memory of me doing anything bad, only the what if. So how can I deal with uncertainty because if I did do the false memory it would go against my morals?? Not something extremely unforgivable just like not ideal and against my morals… I don’t know if it happened. I have no memory of my false memory happen only the “what if” which is enough to scare me FOR CONTEXT: I was in the mental hospital when I was 16, and made a few friends. Some just a grade below me, so 14-15. I remember bringing up in convo someone I met previously at the mental hospital earlier in that year a different time I was hospitalized , to which a boy responded he knew her, and they did (seggsual) stuff at their school. The girl I was talking about at that time was 14. So im assuming the boy was 14 as well. 13 and up is together in the hospital, so he couldn’t be younger than 13. I have no memories of him flirting with me or me flirting with him. Or anything bad happening. Literally just “what if”.. or what if he wasn’t 14 but 13 and u said something inappropriate or flirted with him. I will never be able to know what happened and I’m sick thinking about this. 13 and 16 is NOT WITHIN MY MORALS. I am worried because the only inappropriate I guess convo had is when he was telling me what happened between him and that girl I knew. I also remember him having a bulge down there and it freaked me out and made me feel weird at the time because I noticed it. (At this time I was already diagnosed with OCD and experienced POCD) I try to tell myself maybe maybe not. But the what if it did happen makes me feel like a p33do, and me thinking it didn’t happen doesn’t satisfy me because I don’t have 100 percent certainty

Twilightprin...

Date posted: 23w

Some advice please- I feel like my life is falling

I went out 2 years ago with some friends and I can’t remember some of the night - we went to a house party and my friends say nothing happened but I’m so afraid that I cheated on my partner and don’t remember it. It’s consuming my every minute and I can’t let it go. I was reading up on false memory ocd the other day and it triggered me into thinking what if something I imagined happening actually happened and I don’t know what to do and I’m scared that because I imagined something a certain way that if it wasn’t the same thing I imagined that it must be true

Holliea12

Date posted: 22w

False memory ocd

Hey everyone, I’m still struggling a bit with false memory ocd. Mine revolves around my relationship. There are some things I have remembered that occurred early on in the relationship, whether someone texted me on Snapchat or TikTok etc. and it was old friends of mine from a friend group. In the friend group it was me and about couple guys and girls. I remember there being an instance where one of the guys had messaged me on Snapchat after I had posted something about a tv show or I had posted a picture of me and my mom and they reached out to me saying something and I honestly can’t remember at all what they had said to me but I’m pretty sure i remember I responded with “Lol” or “Thank you” , and I think the reason I’m really struggling right now is that I can’t remember hardly anything about the text at all. And of course, my ocd is trying to convince me that it was either a flirty chat, or something else. I also want to mention that I unadded a lot of people off my snap, mostly guys on TikTok etc after dating my boyfriend because I felt like that was respectful. And even after doing that, my OCD was trying to convince me that I un added them because I was hiding something or I was on adding them because I didn’t want my boyfriend to see that they were on my Snapchat, which was not the case at all. I think I’m just really struggling because I think about past events that have happened in my mind is trying to convince me that something else happened, rather than allowing me to remember what actually went on. I just wanted to come on here and ask if anyone else struggles with something like this because it’s been really bothering me the past couple days and I know I would never do anything to hurt my boyfriend because I love him so much it’s just I freak out constantly, and it bothers me a lot.

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false memory ocd :(

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