need to talk

@nae nae Hi nae! Everything I wrote about is in the above replies. I just don’t feel like re typing. Can you see both? It’s two long comments of mine

@dee012 Yes, I see them! :) I'll reply!

@SavageGirl It’s a lot. So i guess I’ll just start off one thing. My mom put me through a lot of trauma growing up. Mentally, verbally, physical (sometimes), and she also traumatized me sessgualy by engaging in seggsual acts with me in the same room (not saying she did it for me to see, she just didn’t care that i was there) and this happened a few times throughout childhood. Anyways, I currently still live with her. I am an adult, but the way she set me up in life I’m just extremely dependent on her. She would basically get me to rock bottom throughout my teen years and then “help” me get better and also pay for everything, so i felt and still feel like i need her. But here’s the thing, she hasn’t really admitted to the extreme stuff and says it didn’t happen, and when she does say sorry she just says she can’t change the past. But she doesn’t do anything present moment to be better. This makes me very sad, as i love my mom very much. I cry almost everyday, just wishing things were different. She abused me for a while and just magically chilled out once i turned 18. So now im the abuser basically, i get so angry with her ive said so much horrible stuff ive threatened her ive used her for money ive put her down the same way she did to me. Because in the moment i just want her to feel how i felt for my whole childhood, and also being around her just makes me upset. We have no real connection. It’s just surface level, and when it’s time for a real mother daughter connection things get dry, bland, or weird. It feels like im with a stranger. Then when i bring it up to her it usually starts a fight. And i get super upset and then she’s just like “idk what u want me to do or say” and all that stuff. I just don’t know what to do. I want a relationship with her so bad but it seems that I can’t. It won’t happen. I will just keep hurting myself in the process. But I don’t want to go no contact with her or barely talk to her anymore, I will feel bad. She has done so much for me, but also done so much to hurt me😞 Her boyfriend also tou ch ed me inappropriately and she didn’t believe me and sent me to go live with my aunt She said I wasn’t her daughter anymore I was 13 at that time. I’m pretty sure Sorry if this makes no sense..

@dee012 - It actually makes complete sense! She has caused you to feel codependent and you feel the need to let her see how bad she hurt you. Honestly, it'd be best to leave. I know that's going to be hard, but the constant reminders will hurt more than leaving. I saw POCD in your post, which more than likely is caused by the s*xual abuse. If you need to vent about that too, I'm all ears. I suffered from s*xual abuse from a friend I had, who was older than me, at 14. I understand where you're coming from <3

@SavageGirl And like she was my bully throughout my whole childhood. My first bully. She tormented my soul. I swear she did, even though I doubt myself sometimes and wonder if I’m just crazy, I know I felt tormented. If we were in the car and she got upset she would threaten to k/ ll both of us and crash the car. I was a kid some of these times. She would call the police on me from before I was like 10 all the way to 17. Sometimes for nothing, like when I was younger if I didn’t go to bed. Or whenever she would get upset at me sometimes she would send me to the mental hospital after tormenting me by arguing with me until I finallly said something about not wanting to be here anymore.. one time she put her hands on me I was around 15-16 and tried to fight me I defended myself and ended up going to the mental hospital so I didn’t go to jail!! I even hid the marks SHE gave me on my face so she wouldn’t get in trouble. That was the first time I fought back actually, and since then she hasn’t put her hands on me.. but yea that’s not even half of everything. It also sucks bc my family doesn’t really acknowledge her behavior well some of them do , but I’m not the perfect victim and had a troubled childhood so I was seen as a “bad kid” and some still think of me that way. I was never a kid to just ALLOW myself to get abused, sometimes I did, but most of the time I tried to argue back or fight back. That’s just who I am

@SavageGirl Thank you for reading and helping. Leaving is hard as I am dirt broke Lol. And I feel like I owe her something… but a lot of people tell me leaving would be better. I am hoping I can get a talk therapist

@dee012 - I hope so too, and of course! I'm broke too, since I physically cannot work right now. You didn't deserve any of that pain. <3 Do you know if she has a mental disorder?

@SavageGirl She has a bunch

@dee012 First of all, I'm sorry you were put through that as a child. It's even more difficult when it's a parent, someone who is supposed to love, care, and support you through life. I agree with what SavageGirl said about it making complete sense and also about distancing yourself from her whenever you're in the position to financially. You don't have to go no-contact, but getting away from that toxic environment will do wonders for you. I promise... You don't have to owe her anything. If she wanted to be involved, she should've treated you how you deserved to be treated. She should've been there to protect you. This is your life, and you only have one. As a child, you did the best you could with the circumstances you were dealt with. Never blame yourself for that.

@dee012 - Makes sense, sadly.

@dee012 I'm so sorry that happened to you, i'm really am. You survived a lot of things a child shouldn't be experiencing in the first place, any kind of resentment towards your mother and anyone is normal, they totally failed you and hurt you, i relate a lot to your feelings of love but i struggle with anger too. After reading your story i really don't care what you've been through in the past, i think you're super strong. I know it's very very difficult, i completely understand you, but i believe in you. Nothing that happened to you as a child-teenager is your fault 🩷

@nae nae Thank you nae sorry for late response was out. It is really hard, and distancing myself from her as possible with due time, it’s just the guilt and shame I feel from even thinking about doing so. I do wish me and her had a better relationship. But sometimes those things are out of my control.

@Tireddd Thank you for your comment. I’m glad people can relate to me even tho it sucks but we can be there for each other. Thank you. I try to be strong for myself and childhood self. I will have to learn it was not my fault so I don’t beat myself up too much about it.

@dee012 It's okay! I understand, and I'm so sorry. This shouldn't even have to be something you're having to consider. I hope you'll be able to repair your relationship one day, but I don't know if she's ready to. If she went to therapy and actively tried to better herself, it'd be a different story, but... :(

@useless. I finished writing my comment to the above person named SavageGirl. Everything is in that comment sorry I didn’t see your comment in time

@useless. You can respond to the one I replied to her with because it’s long lol

@SavageGirl Here is okay! I only have my personal email. I’m sorry.

@dee012 - No problem. Tell me what's going on. I'll listen to everything. <3