Karaoke Stress

I used to post my art online a lot, and I was so proud of it. But the last year or so, my OCD has been making me feel like I don't deserve to post because "no one would support me if they knew how flawed of a person I am." Today, I got a message from a stranger saying they missed seeing my art and wished I would start posting again. It was soo damn nice, and I wanted to be happy about it, but my fears immediately hit me hard. Would this person still want to follow or support me if they knew everything about me? Of course, my therapist pointed out that there are sooo many people out there who post constantly and have no problem asking their supporters to help them, and surely they're also flawed people, but they don't let it hold them back. I know I'm only human... but I've seen so many people gain success, only to get knocked down, and it terrifies me. This is probably my biggest internal struggle. Sometimes, I want to give up art completely, but the little kid in me who dreamed of being an artist is saying, "Why are you giving up on us?" I feel kinda weird posting about this, but I hope you guys get where I'm coming from. If anyone has any insights or thoughts on this topic, I'd reeeeally appreciate them.

My husband and I host karaoke. Last night, we had a couple men offer up $200 to get someone in line after we had booked up. Which is ludicrous, and I wouldn’t have accepted it… we’re a local dive bar in the middle of nowhere. So I explained that I would see what I could do, but they didn’t need to pay us. And that we’ve had issues before with accepting money like that and being dragged across the Internet and called greedy. Some of my singers dropped out of the lineup, so I was able to get that girl a spot. She was 5th in line when a local, well off community member came up and offered us $300 to put her next. I could tell that they were all passionate about hearing her sing, and I touched his hands with the money and said you don’t need to do that, I’ll make her next. Don’t worry about it! And then he STILL put the money in the tip jar. I practically begged him not to do it. That it wasn’t necessary. And I said I couldn’t accept the money, and he said “yes you can.” He was so kind and hugged me as I cried and thanked him, and he asked “is this going to help yall out?” And I told him yes, and he asked why and I explained that we had a lot of debt. He proceeds to give me another $500. I’m crying, I’m still telling him it’s too much and that I can’t accept it, he’s still telling me I can. Point being, now I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for him to wake up in the morning and regret it or ask for it back, or something wild. I can’t accept good things that happen to me. I’m always waiting for things to go wrong. I feel like I never deserve blessings like this. Me and God have a complicated relationship. Even more so now that I’ve learned that excessive prayer is a compulsion I struggle with. But last night, my husband and I prayed that we would get through the night, physically, mentally and monetarily. Just enough to be able to pay a little bit down on one of our loans we’ve been stuck on. And then this happens. No naturally, OCD has taken a very strong foothold and has told me I don’t deserve this, that this is going to be taken away, that something bad is going to happen because I accepted this money, that it only happened because I prayed for it and if I stop praying bad things will happen. It’s been a nasty spiral all morning. When I should just be like everyone else and accept the blessing with gratitude and peace, and choose to believe there are good people in the world who want to help people out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It’s a rough morning (and I even feel guilty for saying that, because I should just be grateful)

(I work at a bank, this is my first full time job. I am in the teller drive through and this is my second week, I am also the youngest and least experienced employee of this branch.) We were extremely busy, there’s only me and one more employee in the drive thru. There’s 3 cars in each line waiting, and I’m overwhelmed and sweating. Spot 4 sends up the tube, and rings for assistance. I speak into the mic to her spot, “I’ll be right with you!”. She begins to demand something but i turn off the speaker because I told her i’d be with her soon and I don’t have time rn. I jokingly say to myself “Girl i said i’d be right with you”. My coworker (who has previously called customers b**ches behind their back) says “that isn’t how we speak about customers, we just remind them again that we will be with them in a minute”. i say “sorry” and speak to Spot 4, “I’m so sorry ma’am there’s a couple ppl ahead of you, I’ll be right with you”, she starts screaming and cussing me out, saying “IF YOUD LISTEN TO ME YOU ****” etc etc “I NEED TO DEPOSIT THIS NOW” i say “okay ma’am”. i’m bad at confrontation, im sweating and on the verge of tears. i finish my transaction and her tube comes back with a 7” stack of u organized and mutilated bills and 3 different deposit slips. I panic, i’m new, the amount is over my drawer limit. i say “i’m not comfortable doing this lady’s transaction, i don’t feel ready, can i watch you do it?” my coworker says “no you can do it”. it’s already 30 min past my shift ending, i haven’t balanced my drawer, i closed last night and opened this morning, im running on 3 hrs of sleep, and i haven’t eaten in 2 days. Spot 4 is ringing again to demand me to hurry up. i start tearing up and looking around for help, i finally grab someone’s attention, and they help me thru the transaction, but it was obvious they were annoyed. i can’t stop rethinking this and thinking i made it all up and im just an idiot. what did i do wrong???? ive been having a panic attack for 2 hours since my shift ended, im in hysterics, it feels like im doing compulsions extra due to the stress