giving up

@nae nae I just don’t know what to do. It targets my pets, it’s just hard. I feel so sad. And it’s like the compulsions make me feel worse. I wish I could talk more about it. Idk what to do.

@dee012 The fact that it's targeting your pets just shows how deeply you care about them... I'm sorry that's happening to you. What compulsions are you struggling with right now?

@nae nae It’s regular things with my pets that I end up repeating due to me feeling/ being scared it’s inappropriate. Example: scratching their butt, petting lower belly (all near groin areas) another example they lay on my groin and I’ll have to move to adjust or I wrap my legs sortve around them cause it’s warm. but I sortve thrusted to adjust myself, it worried me so I repeated the movement and the wrapping my legs around them a couple of times trying to see if it was inappropriate and also to remind myself “see nothing bad is happening” but then doing the compulsions make me feel worse Then I feel like I did something inappropriate because my brain is like “why did u keep doing it?” then I do the compulsions to feel better Endless cycle. I hate it. It feels like im violating them when ik im not cus they don’t know what’s happening and think im just playing w them probably like “wtf is mom doing lol” but the context of it and how ocd twists things it’s just scary to me… like really bad. Like I can’t do anything normal with them I hear people kiss their pets on the mouth like full kisses and they have no issue with it I wouldn’t even be able to do that I would probably off myself if I did due to my ocd like I just can’t It takes regular actions and makes me repeat them over and over but then it seems inappropriate… Idk if this makes sense. I’m sorry

@nae nae Did my comment go through?

@dee012 Yes, it did! I'm sorry, I logged off for the night after my last comment and just now opened the app lol That makes perfect sense. I can see why that's distressing for you. I think I'd feel the same way, and I do similar things like reassuring myself, "Look, it's not harmful. They're okay." It's a tricky compulsion to get rid of because it's SO difficult to sit with that anxiety. Also, it's hard to stop thoughts like that from passing through... I guess if you get those thoughts telling you to "check" or "reassure" yourself while you're with your pet, just try your best to resist them. Sit still, maybe? I'm not sure🥲

@nae nae I’m just scared me doing it means im violating them or something. But yes I have to sit with the uncomfortableness So hard to sit w anxiety I have to do compulsions to reassure myself then it makes me feel worse so im stuck doing more compulsions But sometimes like since my ocd is of inappropriate nature and what ifs then I feel like im being inappropriate to them. I hate this ;( But I should just sit still, or pet them somewhere else and get up and do something. Thank you for your reply Hope all is well nae!🩷🩷

@Anonymous Thank you. I need to keep this in mind

@dee012 I know it's so hard. I'm dealing with this myself, but we gotta keep on fighting thru it.

@TexasOCD41 Hi Texas ocd thank you for your comment. I’m sorry for doing something wrong, I don’t want to use ocd as an excuse and just do compulsions and then compulsively post on here. I also am taking your comment as you saying I am doing something wrong like something bad or violating my pet, but im assuming that’s my anxiety and ocd. Sorry again but yes I am trying it just gets hard you know

@TexasOCD41 I will keep resisting and trying even if It gets hard but yes im the only one who can stop this

@dee012 No. I said you are doing compulsions and those are wrong. I made no reference to anything in your post. I understand how hard it gets I really do but i also understand it doesn’t get better until you help yourself by doing the work. Have you considered medication? You might benefit from it.

@TexasOCD41 I want to try medication but when I did before I just felt like a zombie. Like I just want oneee thing. Like one medication not a whole bunch and also I like a more holistic and natural route to medicine when it comes to things like my mind and nervous system but im also very lazy from being depressed to research.

@dee012 - Let me start by saying im sorry i was shot yesterday. i was stressed at work and let my emotions come thru on here so I'm sorry about that. I also get frustrated FOR you because i KNOW for a FACT if you can stop doing compulsions for even as little as 7 days, it will CHANGE your perspective. When i first started doing work with my therapist, she gave me strict rules to follow. 1. NO COMPULSIONS. and my 2 worst ones were R&R- Research and reassurance. id spend HOURRSSS on google, reddit, youtube, looking for answers, i never used chatGPT becuase I'm from a generation that didn't have that growing up so i don't trust it ( not really even sure how to use it lol) but id just search and search and search always saying " just one more google search, ill word it right this time and ill find the answer i need" but that led to 15 more tabs being opened and that answer never being found ( cuz i didn't exist because the problem i had was not a real problem) and then id turn to my co-workes, my husband, my mom, my best friends fo reassurance " hey, i did x-y-z, do you think that was ok? am i a bad person? was what i did even bad?" and it was always " no Liz, that was no anything bad, why are you even worried about that, i do stuff like that, you're WAY over thinking this, its just your OCD" and that would make me feel good.... for a few hours until it stopped working and id start over. You are doing the same thing. doing compulsive motions with your cats to test your feelings and to try to prove to yourself your not doing anything wrong... except you never DID anything wrong, your OCD is taking normal pet interactions and making you see a problem where there isn't one. My kitten put her entire private in my face last night while i was sleeping, i woke up and blew on her butt to try to make her jump to get her tush out of my face, then she plopped her tush and private on my arm and went to sleep so i just let her stay there. i pet my cats bellys, butts, legs, i kiss them flat on the mouth. my older cat likes to sit on my lap when I'm using the bathroom and she BITES by boob lol i PROMISE you, these creature will violate YOU 100 times before you ever have a chance to violate them. When i was able to stop my compulsions for 1 week, it was like something clicked. the anxiety started to loosen on me. it was hard, i was like detoxing from a drug, i ITCHED to get online . i would stand in front of my husband in silence because i couldn't think of something to say that WASNT seeking reassurance lol i had to learn how to behave in a non-compulsive way. you CAN do it. Now- medication. There are MANY types, everyone responds differently to each one. iv had the pleasure of taking prozac, paxil, prestiq, zoloft, serequel, ambilify, celexa, buspar, Klonopin. all worked well with a few exceptions but some did make me a bit zombified but that was usually because the dose was too high. i currently take 75mg of sertralie ( the generic of zoloft) and 15mg of buspar. its a low dose by all standards and its been PERFECT. work with your doctor to start on a LOW dose and give it TIME. it took 2 months and 2 dose increased from 25-50-75 for me to find that 75 worked for me. i COULD go up if i wanted, but i choose to take the low dose which helps keep my anxiety low enough for me to be able to do the behavioral work myself. i also go to the gym every day after work, and focus on eating non-processed food and I'm sober form alcohol and weed for 9 years now. i used to use both of those to self medicate and it may have SEEMED to help but it blunted me too much to allow me to work on myself. I also take supplements as i have PCOS which jacks my hormones all up which those play a role in emotions. So there is a way to do what you want but again, it require you to work on it, not to just give into your desires to do compulsions. the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. you are stuck in the OCD insanity loop, you and only you, can break out of it but you HAVE to do the work.

@TexasOCD41 It is okay. Thank you for apologizing! I wasn’t upset or anything at you just at myself. But yes not using chat gpt is so hard it’s like reassurance whenever I want. I just feel like honestly I can’t be around my pets, it feels like im attracted to them or like im gonna do something bad. It makes me so sad I just feel so gross and petting them and being affectionate feels like im assaulting them no matter what I could literally just be kissing their forehead. That compulsion that happened a few times before that I mentioned to u that involved my cat did not happen again but my cat was licking my toes and I tried to just sit there and not move because avoiding is a compulsion but the groinal response felt so bad like I was gonna cl - max. I did not end up doing that and just moved my foot but then a few min later end up self you know what when I was away from my cat cause the feeling wouldn’t go away. My cat wasn’t touching me at this time and was away from me doing whatever idk. But yea I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this anymore seriously. Like ive been hyper seggsual since a kid and self pleasure is a coping mechanism but I cannot live like this . I feel so terrible 24/7. U said u kiss ur cats on the mouth which is perfectly fine and normal but if I even kiss near their mouth I feel like I need to d1 e. I hate this so much. Sometimes I just don’t want to be here lol.

@dee012 Do you notice when you say “ if I kiss my cat on the mouth I FEEL like I need to die” at the end of the day it’s all a feeling problem. You’re letting how you feel dictate how you act when you need to act REGARDLESS of what you feel. Ocd is not a thought problem it’s a feeling problem. We feel things that aren’t real. I think you need to explore meditation very soon i think it will help you

@TexasOCD41 I feel so sad. Sorry I keep calling u Texas I just don’t know what else to say lol. I really am feeling down about all of this and I feel so gross. It’s so hard for me to do meditation and all of that bc I feel like I don’t deserve to get better. Ik I need to take the steps to do it but I guess just feel so tired and weighed down. I’m even having false memories now abt what I JUST messaged u that had happened 10 min prior. Like it’s mental torture. Sorry again not trying to make u my therapist but idk. Idk who I am anymore lol it’s not funny but I just dk what else to say

@dee012 I totally understand. You don’t need to apologize. Let’s talk about medication and therapy. You NEED to get on it

@dee012 It comes to a point where it doesn’t matter how you feel, you choose your path. So you don’t feel worthy of recovery? So what, choose to recover anyway. Those kitty’s need you to get better. Don’t do for yourself do it then. I’d walk on glass for my cats, let them be your purpose until you can find the purpose inside yourself. I’m telling you you DESERVE to recover. I’m on the outside looking in. You’ve told me you “ sins” they aren’t even worthy of being called “ sins” you have done nothing wrong in my opinion.

@TexasOCD41 Yes. I am currently in therapy but no meds. I do need to find a psychiatrist near me. I see why reassurance is not helpful with OCD. You can tell me 1 million times, even if I explain in full detail my “sins. “ , that I did not do anything unforgivable, my brain will not allow me to believe you. Even if deep down I know I didn’t do anything unforgivable, the feeling of guilt and shame is so strong that It actually feels like I’ve done something. This ties in with false memory aswell. I do deserve to recover, and I need to keep telling myself that. Thank you so much for your help always. I think from the outside, looking in, it’s easier for people to help me, but I need to help myself. I will be going away for about a month and won’t have access to therapy so I need to atleast get good with my ERP and mindfulness before I go.

@dee012 - also, you don't need a psychiatrist to get anxiety medication. My GP prescribed my medication and just monitors me. All medications are different for everyone so you might have to try a few before you find one that works OR the first one you try might hit the jack pot. for Me its 75 mg of Setraline (generic for zoloft) and 15mg of busperione (generic for buspar) every day and its PERFECT. I'm not numb, my sexual function is completely intact ( its actually improved because I'm not anxious all the time and can enjoy intimacy with my husband) and it allows me to be calm enough to do the behavioral work on my own. I would HIGLY HIGLY recommend trying the medication route. it saved my life and it saves many peoples lives. Dont listen to negative stigma, people with bad experiences love to talk about it and people with good experiences are usually too busy living a happy life to talk about it so you're only going to HEAR about the bad experiences but that does not mean bad experiences ar more common, they just get more attention. I wish you all the best, you can get thru this i 100% believe it!

@TexasOCD41 Okay😔😔. I will go to my doctor and see but usually anything mental health related they just send me to psychiatrist. I will go tho, and look into it. I just want a break from my brains chaos. That’s a good example bc a lot of ppl with medicine do give good reviews but most are just out there living their lives. Thank you once again for your help.

@dee012 - then try a different doctor. down play it. just say" hey i have some pretty intense anxiety, I'm having a hard time getting in with a psychiatrist, can we start something now and ill follow up with a psychiatrist as soon as i can get in to one? tellt hem you have a therapist too that can help monitor you in the in-between time. you are as welcome as the flowers in may. :)

@TexasOCD41 Okay sounds like a good idea! I will do that. Thank you again friend ☺️

@TexasOCD41 Hi Texas ocd! How are you I was wondering if u still see my posts? Or if u don’t post? And just not active as much

@dee012 - I see them. im not on the app every day tho, i check it a few times a week. To be on it much more than that isn't really healthy in my opinion.

@TexasOCD41 Okay. Hopefully I haven’t annoyed you haha I know I ask for reassurance or help a lot even when you comment on my posts I didn’t wanna scare you away But thank you for explaining

@dee012 - nothing scares me anymore lol im simply not on the app every day, that's all.

@TexasOCD41 Okie ..

@TexasOCD41 Guess what! Just snagged some anxiety meds :) for my trip .