Hi, I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from, and you are not alone. Just try to remember all the times that you have already always had POCD and all the times you have already made it through successfully even if you were completely scared, in a negative space, thinking about how you could harm yourself, etc. It seems like we can't do it, but look at all the times you have already had to face this and did. I realized when I have to face something and don't have a choice such as becoming a mom myself or being around relatives' children or working with children, when we don't have a choice and are right in the middle of it, we make it through. Just think of the times you have already faced uncertainty or the times in your life that you have actually acted on these fears/thoughts. I am willing to guess there are slim to none of times these thoughts/fears have come true no matter how close to the situation you are i.e. your sister having a child. Remember there is just as much likelihood that you will bond with this new baby and be amazing and a role model. Yes, it will be hard, but you have already done hard things. Give yourself grace and try to believe in who you are and that you are a good person as there is proof in the fact that you are worried about this already. Those that commit bad things usually don't fear or think about how they would feel about themselves in these situations. Remember you will have days when you don't push through it as well or when fears take over, but tomorrow is always another day to try again. Remember this is just a season in your life and it is normal to struggle in life and try not to generalize in situations such as this whole year so far. Maybe write down things you aren't struggling as much with. Maybe try coming up with times you have been stronger than you thought you would be. Maybe try exposures where you go to volunteer at events with kids or around play areas, or gradually be around kids before she has the baby. Easier said then done. I struggle all of the time and don't do what I suggest lol :) I am thankful that my therapist has given me some of her perspectives on how to give myself grace, how to remember it is just a season I am in right now, and how to remember how I am already facing uncertainties and fears in life that are everyday things that I don't recognize or give myself credit for. Maybe try therapy to discuss your feelings towards your sister of disappointment and anger and selfishness. Could you try to do the opposite, like heavily involve yourself in supporting your sister and creating positivity around the pregnancy and getting her through and making her a prepared and great parent and grow your relationship with her. One thing I have realized is life is really short and OCD in any form takes being in the moment and being present and enjoying life really hard. But, I have also realized that I can't wait for being better in order for things to be less scary or me be more prepared or ready. If I kept putting off having children until I was ready, comfortable, at a better place with my OCD, I might never get to experience being a mom and I am not going to let OCD take being a mom/aunt/helper/etc. away from me. Remember you don't have to be strong enough to constantly push away your fears, pushing them away only makes them come back more. Radical acceptance of fear and uncertainty is something I am working towards, but hard to not continue to push away fears and keep focusing on and working on. Please never forget your importance and strength. You can do hard things. If you ever feel like killing yourself or that you are mentally spiraling, please reach out to a hotline or go to an emergency room and talk to someone as feelings are momentary even if often and you might just need a different perspective, a change in thought, etc. For some encouragement, I was in a similar thought pattern as you and thought the whole time while I was pregnant how downhill, mentally spiraling, no coping, not able to handle anything, and how terrible my POCD and OCD in general would be when I had my own child in my care and didn't have a "handle" on my OCD yet. Surprisingly, it has been the complete opposite, and I am so surprised that a year into parenting I am doing so much better than what I expected because I know OCD really hits home when it involves someone close to you. Maybe reach out to online support groups for specifically POCD or OCD. Maybe right down everything you want to do as an aunt or why you are going to be an awesome aunt. You have got this!
