Struggling😢

I feel like I will never find a boyfriend. I have to many issues, with my ocd, my anxiety, self sabotage, fear, scars of commitment. Is he the right one is he not. I don’t know where this comes from but I feel like it has to do a lot with insecurity. I don’t like my body and I think I’m just big in every way. Nothing wrong with being bigger I just don’t feel confident this way. I’m tall and overweight and I feel so uncomfortable with the fact that one day I will get personal with someone you know. I think people around me think I’m gay becuase ive never had a boyfriend or any romantic connection at all, no hand holding or anything. I feel like a loser and everyone who knows I’ve never had a boyfriend just give me this ohhhh kinda look, like I’m hiding something. I hate it especially since I have Hocd . It definitely doesn’t help, at alllllllll. Im afraid I will always find fault or a reason not to like a guy. Ughhh I have a feeling I’m going to be single forever at this rate. It just all freaks me out, plus my friends try to get me with there friends and it feel forced and I hate it. All the guys that I like don’t like me and I can’t picture myself with them. Well I can’t picture myself with anyone unfortunately. Idk why it’s so easy for other people and not for me. What is wrong with me.

As someone who has never been in a relationship it’s hard for me to envision myself in one and know what it will feel like. I feel like being 21 I’ve protected myself a lot due to insecurity. I want a boyfriend and yet I don’t it’s just all really scary for me. I never had the stupid relationship to break the ice and now I’m putting so much pressure and emphasis on things and finding the RIGHT person. Also have hocd definitely doesn’t help. I’m working on myself and doing my best. But my current feelings are: I don’t like the way I look, I can’t imagine myself with someone, and I’m never going to find someone I click with and feel good with. Any advice??????

Is anyone here going throughbSOOCD while being in a relationship? If yes, do you feel like “something is missing” even tho everything is great? My OCD keeps on telling me “you’re settling” or “yeah you’re happy with what you have but its nothing compared to what you would be feeling if you were with a girl, but you’re with your bf for society!” Im soo tired!! When I look at him I find him so attractive and handsome but i dont know if im attracted to him or if he’s just attractive!! And while growing up I was never “pulled by guys” but I thought that everyone was this way! I also used to look at girls because I found them Beautiful but I thought that everyone used to look at them this way! I think what truly bothering me is “comphet” and the “lesbian masterdoc”. Like I feel like I can relate to some points! Yes I used to choosw my crushes growing up but it felt like everyone used to do the same thing! As for my current bf, we started out as friend and then it turned into something else but now im scared I just agreed to being his gf because “that’s what I had to do” and im scared that he’s my “beard”. I particularly got triggered yesterday because my friends were talking about their celebrities crush and I couldnt think about anyone without forcing it! Instead I could easily think about kristen stewart or someone with the same vibe. All of this + my feelings must mean something no??? I just want to feel “in love” my bf is perfect!