the compulsions and thoughts are consuming me

these days im feeling so bad, I can’t take it anymore, I have thoughts and images I don’t like that just won’t leave me, I feel so heavy, I want to bump my head into a wall until I pass out so I can have a break, I want my brain ti stop working and leave me alone, I can’t exist like this, I’m constantly thinking about this stuff and feeling disturbed, it just won’t leave, what do I do? sorry if this is written so badly but I really need to vent

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

I relate to this! I highly encourage you to try NOCD / therapy for OCD if you haven't tried it yet. It can be a game changer. In ERP, your therapist helps you learn that these thoughts aren't you, your values or your identity and you learn not to respond to them or find them significant. Over time, you might still have the thoughts, but they will become less frequent, less "sticky" or vivid, and most of all less disturbing or bothersome to you. You'll learn to accept em, live with them, and let them be. It's hard work, but it is really effective and once you learn with one obsession or theme, then you can apply what you've learned to another theme if your OCD morphs.

rita555

Date posted: 22w

@Anonymous Thank you, sadly I won’t be able to get therapy for a few more years because my parents are against mental health treatment, I really hope it won’t be too late by then since I’ve been struggling with this stuff since childhood and it only got worse with time

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

In the meantime, hang in there. I've had times where sleep felt like the only respite or rest and then I would have nightmares while sleeping. I know it can get really dark, but just know that it can get better - especially if you get the support you need. Hang in there, my friend.

rita555

Date posted: 22w

@Anonymous Thank you for your words, I also had a nightmare tonight about it, yesterday I was struggling with bad thoughts, even if not as bad as today, and during the night I had a dream about a really disturbing thought/image to me, and I really couldn’t get it out of my head today for the whole time after that, it stimulated my worst thoughts, the nightmare was vivid and I didn’t have any control over it so the thought manifested in its worst form without me being able to do anything about it like I usually can do to a certain extent in real life, it had no restriction, and it’s really haunting me today, I feel it literally physically weighting on me. Today I had to do many things for school for tomorrow and I wasn’t able to get anything done because I was to bothered by the thought, so tomorrow I will get in trouble with school. The worst part for me is that this is a thought related to my current hyper fixation, so about something I really like and think about constantly, and this thought is ruining it and making it painful to think about it and enjoy it because when I do the thought about it will immediately pop up. It’s really messing with me. Sorry for this long vent.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

Awh, I'm sorry to hear that you're not able to access therapy. Hopefully, this platform and community help you in the meantime. It all started for me when I was young too. I didn't know that it was OCD and it made my life really difficult too. I'm just now getting help as an adult. I hope you can get the help you need sooner. It sounds exhausting and difficult. I've been there before. I've had intrusive thoughts that are violent in nature, sexual, taboo, memories, images, harm, sexual orientation. It can get better with support and time. The best thing you can do is learn to have the thoughts without responding to them or acting out compulsions. It seems impossible, but over time they get less and less distressing. Have you found any YouTube videos or resources that are helpful? I can suggest some if you're interested!

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

https://youtu.be/xxFSjmjukDY?si=bTKVL36GqpE5dDM9

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

And you're welcome! I know how difficult, distressing, all consuming, and tiresome it can be. It seems to get in the way of everything and make everything more difficult. The worst thing for me is that it made me feel like a monster because many of my intrusive thoughts and obsessions have been around sexual things, violence, harming myself or others. Pretty much anything you can think of taboo. The truth is these are just thoughts. They're not who I am or representative of my values or my identity. They keep going because I give them importance through my strong reactions, so by acting out compulsions, mental or physical and responding them - I tell my brain to keep responding which keeps the anxiety ramping up and up. The only way to stop this cycle is to sit with them, accept them, let them pass by just as thoughts, remind yourself they're just thoughts, and sit with the anxiety and the doubt and feeling uncomfortable. Over time, these intrusive thoughts have less and less power over you. You may still have some but you won't feel an urge or need to do something about them and you won't feel distressed about them. This is difficult. It takes time, but it works and it can really give you a better life. So please, don't give up and know that there is hope.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 25w

I don’t know what’s wrong

I can’t stop crying. My thoughts are going insane, they’re so fast I can’t keep up. I want to tell everyone around me what’s happening (my family doesn’t even know about my OCD). I can’t seem to resist compulsions today. I’m freaking out. I want to give up. I feel like I’m suffocating in whatever is going on. I feel like I need to go to a hospital. I don’t know how to ask for help. I don’t feel okay. I don’t understand this at all. It feels like I took some random drug. I’m really scared I’m sorry, I am so panicked. It’s embarrassing but I feel so desperate for help right now I feel crazy

Jantea

Date posted: 23w

broken record

from the moment i wake up to the time i fall back asleep, my thoughts will not go a second without thinking about the same few topics. every second of every day for the past year i cannot stop thinking about my boyfriend. and no, not like "la dee da he's so cute!" no. it's the same thoughts of debating my feelings for him, convincing myself that im a lesbian but won't admit it to myself, convincing myself that i don't actually love him i just love the idea of a relationship with him. im disgusted with him but im passing it off as just i dont like that single flaw and thats fine. i can't stop. it's a broken record. my head is just a broken record. and for MULTIPLE YEARS pretty much since my ADHD diagnosis in middle school (i'm graduating this year) i haven't stopped thinking about mental health. relating every single thing in my life to the fact im neurodivergent. asking myself over and over if a thought i had or an action i made means im this personality, i have this mental disorder, because i have this traumatic memory that's influencing my choice. all day, every day, every second, multiple years. these thoughts are just constantly in my head. i want it to stop. i'm so tired of it. so absolutely exhausted. it's not even the compulsions or the anxiety, i just want the thoughts to end. all i could ask for, the thing i would give the world for, is to go a day without obsessively thinking these thoughts. to be able to experience a trigger but not be triggered. to be able to kiss my boyfriend goodbye and have my head move on to another topic for thought completely. to be able to hear a mental health topic be mentioned and not have the urge to explain every aspect of that topic, nor think about it for hours on end. be able to see random people on the street and accidentally make eye contact with them but not have to obsessively think of what their life is like, what they think of me, that they know i'm obsessively thinking about them and they hate me for that. i want to be able to see my ex friend around school whom im upset at the way things ended but not obsessively think about her and be disgusted and scared about those thoughts and her every move. i sound like a freak, i sound like i belong in a straitjacket, i know. i hate it too. so fucking much. i'm freaked out by myself, i know that if i were to share these thoughts at a podium i would be reported on the news and likely arrested because everyone around is terrified and will assume i will ever act. but i just want this to stop. i'm so desperately waiting for my next doctors appointment to ask for an up dose on my lexapro.

eea

Date posted: 22w

Help

Lately I have been having really really bad existential ocd the thoughts and compulsions never stop they are even in my dreams I resist compulsions as long as I can but I just want this to go away I keep thinking about how many hours in a day people would have if they weren’t like me I just feel so awful every second I feel like I’m living a double life I only know about I just want this to all go away

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the compulsions and thoughts are consuming me

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