I don’t like this feeling

I’ve noticed that sometimes when people say things about killing MAPs or how they don’t deserve treatment I get a little. Well defensive isn’t the right word. I just get this feeling that if someone is getting treatment for their disorder and doesn’t want to hurt anyone they shouldn’t be killed or anything. I think it might be that part of my brain that is always questioning if I’m one and it’s scary to think about… I don’t know. I don’t think it’s something that should be like. Celebrated obviously. But there are some people who get treatment for it and don’t hurt anyone… maybe I just don’t like the idea of killing entire groups when there are other ways to deal with it too. I don’t know. I feel like there’s fighting going on in my brain because on one hand I think it’s disgusting and that anyone who acts on it SHOULD be punished and people who don’t think there’s something wrong with it SHOULD be ashamed, but on the other I guess I kind of feel for people who don’t want to hurt anyone and want to get help. It’s not the same as intrusive thoughts obviously bc there isn’t any fear accompanied with it for them, but they still get that it’s wrong… I dunno, maybe my heart’s just too soft for it’s own good. I feel a little better writing it all out though. When I started writing this I was part convinced this was some kind of evidence that I’m like them but I think it’s just a case of too much sympathy maybe. Whatever it is it doesn’t mean I’m anything like them. this is just a big old vent it seems. My fault for watching a YouTube video that I knew would trigger me :/ hopefully my thoughts came across somehow. Dog-earring this for next therapy appointment I guess

djflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 20w

For what it's worth, I agree! I personally take it a step further, and don't believe in killing anyone, no matter how heinous the crime. I'd like to see us move in the direction of treating punishment more like "quarantine." Those that hurt other people should indeed be prevented from harming others again, but the reasons they did whatever they did should be investigated and learned from. We all act based on our countless conditions. Our environment, genes, parental upbringing, financial situation, brain chemistry, mental and physical illnesses...the list goes on and on. "The Body Keeps the Score" is a great book that details a lot of this, as well as the works of Dr. Robert Sepulsky, from such books as "Behave." To me, wanting to put someone away to prevent further harm makes sense. But to want to harm someone because they harmed others isn't really justice, it's revenge (I MAY have just sort of quoted the Godfather there haha). It's an emotional reaction, and one that fuels more hate and fear in the long run. It's part of the reason why people who actually have these desires keep it hidden away from everyone until it festers to the point of no return. But that's just my opinion. Maybe you agree or you don't, but if it makes you feel better, I think you're allowed to feel the way you do.

Tireddd

Date posted: 20w

I relate to this and it makes me feel less alone, it's like my brain once i started having this huge anxiety and guilt, clicked and reset, from completely detesting and having no doubts about these disgusting people to even feeling like i am one, so i couldn't say anything because i would be a hypocrite. I think these thoughts that you say come from a prolonged state like this, when you've already isolated yourself enough and you start to think that other people would hate you the same for everything, it's a product of the shame. It's horrible so i understand you, it feeds the cycle much more. It's scary because i do feel somewhat "defensive", but i really want to believe that this isn't the real me or it doesn't align with my values or ideals, like i say i think i feel this way because i also feel really shameful about everything and i compare to the worst of the worst. It's not even exclusive to this, it also happens to me with people who do other things, like stealing or killing. My God, i've never been okay with people killing or being psychopathic, but now i have these feelings that i am the same type of person so people condemning them are also talking about me. Even if i haven't killed or hurt anyone, i'm still the same in my mind. I get uncomfortable and somewhat "defensive" with people condemning every single thing, so yes, i think it reflects more the deep fear i have, not my actual beliefs.

Tireddd

Date posted: 20w

And please don't feed this thought, believe me it gets worse as you reassure it and you go into a deeper hole. It started as a single fear, but now i'm even afraid of the fear, like questioning if i actually agree with things like this or if i would consciously defend actual horrible people over victims. It's shattering my identity

Uhhhh15

Date posted: 21w

New theme

Hi again :c I’ve been having terrible thoughts of hurting my loved ones I’ve stopped watching horror movies which is my favorite genre and can’t even watch or read anything related to violence even if it’s just a video or movie talking about it, I get triggered so fast I really miss feeling that relief with my mom I miss my mom so much and I just don’t know what to do anymore I almost committed last weekend from how scared I was and Ik your thinking will you try again? idk I’m not sure, one day I might say “no” next I’ll plan it out, but truth be told I don’t want to die I want to live a normal life, I want to stay with my mom and my family, I love my family and my grandma and my older brother..I’m so sick of feeling this feeling, I’m tired of arguing with my brain, I want to be with my mom and spend time with her like I used to, but I can’t stand that thought of hurting them it makes me shake and I feel this pain in my chest, my OCD has been trying to convince me all those crime docs and stuff I’m into turned me this way but that’s impossible since I’ve never thought like this before I’m just tired that’s all Idek know what I’m looking for saying this..prolly just to vent or to know if this will ever go away..

Uhhhh15

Date posted: 20w

I feel gross

I shouldn’t have done this (trigger trigger trigger!!) So about a month ago..maybe I watched this video (as a compulsion to prove to myself) The video was called “interview with a p3d0” And basically it was what it says, I watched or more like listened to half of it…after I was disgusted by the person, but now all I can think of is every little thing I do, I feel as if tho I’m monitoring every thought/moment and feeling I have it’s torturous and I hate it..I feel disgusting, the person in the video has empathy and sympathy and had those feelings yk, I can’t explain it you’d have to watch the video yourself but please don’t it will ruin your journey…I feel more hopeless then before, my OCD is telling me so many things trying to convince me things that Ik aren’t true, I’m just really scared I don’t want to be that person I want to be a good cousin and person to my family, I’m sick of my head and myself, I’m so tired that sometimes I can’t even think straight, my head is always in pain and idek how to help myself..compulsions have been becoming more and more exhausting… I need advice or even someone to relate to, I understand I shouldn’t have done what I did but idk how to forget it.. I had made this post already but when someone replied I couldn’t see it for some reason so I’m uploading it again

Imnew@this

Date posted: 15w

I feel like a monster

(21+ ONLY: TRIGGER WARNING) I honestly feel so overwhelmed by my thoughts—so overwhelmed that I honestly don’t care anymore. I feel like I’m accepting the fact that I’m a monster and have always been a monster. I broke down last night because of these thoughts but I wouldn’t tell anyone if they asked. It wouldn’t make sense to them. This morning, I was watching a body cam video and the person that was arrested was traumadumping about their past SA. I felt like I liked the thoughts and images I got from it. And instead of being disgusted, I let it happen. What does this mean? Does this mean that I’m a monster? Am I a just a monster in disguise?

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I don’t like this feeling

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