emma345

Date posted: 19w

Scared to interact with my cat because of zocd

NSFW 17f So basically I did something sexual to the cat when I was younger. It wasn't like full on bestiality, my privates weren't touching the cat and I wasn't touching the cats privates but it was still sexual. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. It didn't harm the cat in any way, but of course it's still horrible. So I developed real event ocd that ruined my life complitely. Most of the time I don't think I will male it to 20. Sometimes it's a living hell. I developed it more than a year ago and I barely even remember this year cause I was so consumed with guilt it was the only thing in my head. So i also developed zoophilia ocd because of it. And I feel so bad cause I can't interact with my cat anymore. Because she wants to and I have to ignore her. Slowly I started to be scared to let her on my bed. So I stopped. Then in my room. Stopped doing that too. I still tried to give her some attention just outside of my room. Then I got scared to touch her. So I stopped doing that, but I used her brush to pet her with it and her toys to play with her so i don't physically touch her. Then my ocd went like but what if you are subconsciously using her for sexual gratification when you look at her? So now I can't even look at my cat. I look away when she is around, block my sight with a hand, close my eyes or if I can I leave. But the heartbreaking part is. Before I remembered what I did I was giving my cat a lot of attention. Like everyone says I'm her favorite and she only allows me to hold her and pet her the certain ways. So for all that time she is desperately trying to get my attention. She jumps on my rooms door, meows for a long time, tries to sneak in my room and stuff like that. And It's so sad I just have to ignore her. Especially cause she doesn't understands why. She was getting so much love and then randomly she is being ignored?? idk her real age cause we took her from the street, but she lives with us for 13 years, so she is not young. She is pretty healthy so I don't think she is going to die any soon but still. if I never get over it she will spend her last years of life ignored. and this makes me want to cry and want to throw up. but I don't know what to do. if I touch her I start freaking out and convincing myself that I used her somehow for sexual stuff even if I didn't do anything like that. I'm so scared. and also sad for her. and I miss my cat tbh. like everhtime I have to close my door when she tried to enter I feel so bad. but I'm so scared. because after what I did to her I'm already a monster. I don't want to add anything else. but I also feel bad for ignoring her.

genicrop09

Date posted: 19w

I would recommend to spend more time with your kitty, she's getting older and it good cause it's kinda ERP? I also had this theme before, cause I liked to kiss my cat when I was a kid (in non-sexual way). But in 2024 she suddenly passed away because of FIP. So I couldn't spend her last days with her properly and I deeply regretted it.

genicrop09

Date posted: 19w

And now I don't have this theme, but my kitty will never be back. The time is lost and I regret it A LOT

genicrop09

Date posted: 19w

@genicrop09 And if you were young, it might be non-sexual, like without the sexual intention. I once saw people walking cats with a leash on and wanted to do it too, so I wrapped a rope around my cat and accidentally hurt her, but had not an INTENTION to hurt her. So maybe now you understand that it was sexual, but at that time due to young age you didn't.

emma345

Date posted: 19w

I mean yours was innocent, mine was actually sexual. Like I knew it was sexual I just didn't know it was wrong? And I was like 14 so I wasn't just a child. Like even without ocd it was genuinely fucked up and I fully accept that it was really bad. Not harmful, but disgusting and morally wrong. It's hard to explain it without going in details. Some people would even argue its nor real event ocd. But a lot of people said that even if the action was bad it could still be real event ocd. So yeah. And that's why I'm so scared. It was actually fucked up and sexual. And now I'm awfully triggered even by her being in the same room. Like right now I was in my room and because of my dad vacuum cleaning j didn't hear my cat coming. The second she meowed near me I literally jumped from my bed run away and locked myself in the bathroom

emma345

Date posted: 19w

@genicrop09 I mean idk I understood at the time that what j was doing was sexual but I didn't see it in a way where it was sexual towards the cat? Idk I was just kinda fucked up sexually in general till I was like 16 and still a little. Like I didn't a bunch of weird and inappropriate shit since I was like 6. Idk why. Maybe because I was exposed to porn really early but I just did a bunch of wrong shit without seeing it the way they are

genicrop09

Date posted: 19w

@emma345 Have you consulted with therapist? Maybe you had some traumatic events or were groomed into thinking it was normal? Because if you didn't know it was bad sounds a little crazy... not to offend...

emma345

Date posted: 19w

@genicrop09 Yeah I'm not offended I myself don't understand how on earth I thought that was normal. Probably my logic was that the cat doesn't give a fuck? Idk? Also I didn't think that much about it it was something I just did and forgot for a long time, maybe if i actually sat and thought about it for some time I would've realized how fucked it is I wasn't groomed by anyone. I just genuinely didn't think it all the way through? Like I mean I was consuming a lot of nsfw content some of it was of questionable morality? Nothing with animals but still weird as fuck. So I was sexually weird in general I don't have a therapist, I went twice, but I'm just too scared to do therapy, I was just lying and avoiding talking about the real thing. Maybe in the future if I stay alive I will try it idk

genicrop09

Date posted: 19w

@emma345 I would strongly recommend therapy, like you still very young it's crazy only noticed that. Maybe you catastrophize the event and it wasn't intended as sexual but you now think it is? I don't know how can I help, but if you consumed a lot of questionable NSFW content from a young age it is also a trauma.

genicrop09

Date posted: 19w

@genicrop09 Maybe you have underlying diagnosis? Like autism or something like that, because I saw the instances of people like that doing weird things without understanding

emma345

Date posted: 19w

@genicrop09 No trust me it was sexual. It was bad. I can't really tell you without grossing you out so you will have to believe me on this one. See therapy in my country is not very well developed, especially in my town. I went once and the therapist was a weirdo and the other one I just didn't feel comfortable with and was scared she will put me in a psychward even though she said herself our psychwards do more damage than good. The other thing js that it's disgusting to talk about and I feel extreme shame. Just can't casually talk about stuff like this even with a therapist. I understand that you can't help much. I kinda accepted that what I did was really bad and most people wouldn't even talk to me if they knew. I still freak out a lot and idk if I will stay alive for long, but if I do.. I can't change what I did. I would do anything to undo it, but I can't. It's my responsibility and I accept it. I was fucked up, and what I did was fucked up, disturbing and wrong. The only thing I can do is be a better person now. I post sometimes about the event itself when I freak out about it to the point when I can't breathe and stuff, but this post was more about what should I do about the thing with the cat. Like what would be more bad. Continuing to ignore her or interacting with her after what I did. I feel like both are bad. But while the first one is kinda bad for the cat the second one could just be morally wrong and triggering for me. So I feel like ignoring her is selfish cause I don't want to be triggered. But still... interacting with her feels wrong

genicrop09

Date posted: 19w

@emma345 Sorry I don't know how to react not educated enough in this. I hope you get treated...

emma345

Date posted: 19w

@genicrop09 No, I'm not autistic. I only have ocd, and some other disorders which wouldn't matter there (ed and maybe something depression related) Trust me you will be surprised how many people dont see the thing I did as something wrong. Like I posted it on reddit multiple times, and it was 50% of people saying that yes it was wrong and bad, the other 50% was saying that it was nothing cause the cat doesn't give aa fuck so it wasn't that bad. So it's not that I'm autistic, is that a lot of people actually don't care about it since they don't see animals on the same level as people. I've also seen a bunch of confessions on reddit of people committing literal bestiality (I was searching for simmilar situations) while beeing 12-16 and younger and they dont have any diagnosis like autism. They all share the same thing "the animal wasn't forced to do anything and it wasn't hurt so I didn't know it was wrong" and they only realized how fucked it is when older. So while it is still uncommon it's not as uncommon as you would think unfortunately...

emma345

Date posted: 19w

@genicrop09 Yeah I get it, it's a disturbing topic which is hard to talk about. Thanks for you time and trying to help.

emma345

Date posted: 16w

Please help zocd

tw: nsfw 17f I have a real even ocd from a sexual event with an animal (my cat) from where I was younger. Remembering it ruined my life and made it a living hell. It was bad. It's not one of those innocent events people always assume because I have ocd and then they get all surprised when it was actually bad and sexual. (animal wasn't harmed though) So basically I developed I fear of interacting or even looking at animals after I remembered so I was avoiding my cat like crazy, but then I realized that it's cruel to ignore an animal who wants love and attention, so I forced myself to overcome it kinda. I basically downloaded a habit tracker where I mark when I was able to pet my cat cause while it's triggering I want to give my cat love and I'm trying to pet her everyday So yesterday I was petting the cat. And she was extremely enthusiastic about it. Like she was almost throwing herself on me to get more pets like kinda agressive at this point to get pets. I started thinking how animals go in heat in spring. But she is like sterilized so I wasnt sure its possible for her. Like maybe they are just more active in spring? But what if the pets are somehow sexual for the cat? Then I thought maybe I shouldn't pet her then cause that's wrong. But then I thought like who cares and also then it will be like this the whole spring should I just not touch her the whole spring and ignore her again? I was also tired a bit so I wasn't thinking it all through that much Now I'm freaking out so bad. Like I knew there was a possibility that it was sexual for the cat and still continued petting her I didn't stop. It's so bad. Like I thought its whatever since it's not sexual for me but now I'm freaking out. Like the whole me being a better person and learning on my mistakes after that one earlier event was for nothing if I was able to do something like this I'm freaking out so bad

ivefailed.

Date posted: 10w

fear of harming cats lead to unhealthy compulsions

I've been hyperfixated on worrying about abuse and harm to my cats, and as a result i spiraled into some bad compulsions, and I know I'm a bad person for that. I feel horrible. Some time ago my male cat went to sniff my other female's cat bum and i know it's normal but i instantly reacted and bumped by hand to his face and I believe I accidentally used a bit too force. I got scared that I did it too hard. And I felt the urge to replicate the same move to check that it didnt hurt him and i shouldn't have done it I should have ignored the call of uncertainty, and I bumped my dorsal part of the hand on his face repeatedly to check any sign, i was replicating similar "force" to make sure I didn't hurt him going one slight step above of a gentle tap. It was like a slight stiffer tap, but not hard, but still stiff... Like I would feel the compulsive urge to try to bump my hand slightly harder to his face and that would make me feel horrible and wanting me to check it again... My cat wasn't hurt, but I think he had a confused face, my brain is telling me that he ran away and that he had a hurt face, the first thing i dont think so and the latter I believe it. I felt so guilty I thought I was an abuser. And I checked the same thing on my other female cat but she was just annoyed, she didnt feel hurt. This has been on my mind for a long time and I've been obsessing abt. Just now I compulsively tested "abuse" on my cat. i started tapping on her head lightly with my fingers. it didnt hurt her, she didnt react at all, but the first time she lowered her ears but not in a hurt way more like she was a bit annoyed by my antics, or i think it's just the nervous area because cats generally lower their ears when someone touches their head. I started tapping from her back like people do to their cats because the cats enjoy it and i used the same "energy" and slowly went to her head to see if it hurt her. and a medium tap (not hard) that didnt hurt her triggered me a lot, felt like i had done already something that was too hard. and i spiraled and kept doing the same thing to see if it hurt her. like if i do it to myself it doesnt hurt at all. and my cat didnt react at all she didnt move an inch and didnt even meow. she didnt care. i increased the power a slightly to hear more the sound of the tap and I got increasingly worried. but i kept tapping her too much. i couldn't stop. i had to check continuously that the tap before didnt sound as harsh like it did. like she didnt flinch or hiss or move at all. her ears lowered a bit probably because it was unpleasant. i would try to go above one slight step above gently tapping to see what would happened because i couldn't stand uncertainty and i couldn't believe that it could hurt her. it was never hard, but the medium taps felt abuse. when my cat headbutts she uses more strenght than i used to tap her head... to describe the tap it would be like similar to when your friend taps your shoulder to say "good job" or to encourage you. probably a bit less then that...

Real Events OCD

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 6w

So distressed plz help :( 18+

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

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Scared to interact with my cat because of zocd

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