shopgirl

Date posted: 22d ago

New relationship and OCD spike

I’ve been really struggling the last week and I need some help. I’ve been seeing a guy for about 2 months who checks a lot of my relationship boxes. He’s so kind and we have a lot of fun together. The first few weeks I was totally smitten but had moments of fear about being committed. We talked about it and decided to take things slowly, and then I would have days of feeling like every thing was perfect with some fearful feelings in between. Two weeks ago now my SO-OCD and ROCD started to come back a little as well as my more anxious-avoidant behaviors. I started to get more scared of the future and it was more intense. At the end of last week, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. He is exactly the type of person I see myself marrying and has great values and is so secure about me. Until last week, he generally made me feel so safe and secure. Ever since saying yes, I feel so scared and anxious and my SO-OCD and ROCD is on max. I also find myself getting more annoyed and irritated about things that were minor annoyances or non-issues before. I’m having intense physical responses to both OCD themes, and the nagging thought and feeling that I need to end things with him because we aren’t right for each other. It makes me feel so sad and guilty. Sex is becoming harder because of the thoughts too, whereas at first it was perfect. I don’t know who I can talk to about this without them telling me to just break up with him. Everything is so new so I think they’d chalk it up to my intuition. But I do want to be in love and have less fear around relationships, so I don’t want to give into the fear. I think it could help me to set boundaries and have space for myself more often. I think I need some advice or insight. I know I shouldn’t ask for reassurance, but having some around how other people have felt at the beginning of a relationship would help. Why is it that the label is freaking me out so much? How do you guys set boundaries to prioritize yourself when you feel this way?

JilRose320

Date posted: 22d ago

I’ve never responded to a post on here before but just opened this app to see if I could feel less alone in this as well. I think I’m at a different place in life but I can still totally relate to the conflicting emotions of love and then uncertainty and the urge to leave. I’m in my mid thirties and a mom to a 2 year old and a new baby, and my ROCD first showed up when I became pregnant with my first son. This means I’ve been struggling for about 3 years. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and for most of those years I thought we were perfect. Now, I’m experiencing a lot of the same annoyances that you’re noticing, some are over qualities I actually used to love about him that I now am completely turned off by. I’m sure in my case it might be exacerbated by pregnancy and postpartum hormones. But it will not stop. I wish I could share something that has helped but I’m figuring this out myself and have no idea what to do.

JilRose320

Date posted: 22d ago

@JilRose320 But I will say that for prioritizing oneself and I guess being kind when the thoughts are on fire, I try to do all of the usual wellness things that can reduce anxiety like walking outside, avoiding sugar, drinking water. And I try to keep really low expectations for how those things will make me feel. Sometimes I don’t feel better. But I hardly ever feel worse. And maybe having that mindset when you are with him might help as well. The dates do not need to be magical right now. And then I also try to ignore anything I hear people say about gut feelings because mine is broken with OCD as I am constantly fearing the worst, so I try to not react based just on the feelings. Again, it’s all so hard and I am struggling ever minute lately. Hang in there!

B-Cole

Date posted: 22d ago

Hi there, that sounds tough - I hope you are okay. I'm not sure I can do much to answer your questions because I don't know. However, I definitely experience ROCD a lot so can speak to that. I've experienced ROCD before I knew what it was and that was horrendous (maybe you've experienced this too), and broken up with people to just end the pain caused by uncertainty. But you seem to have a really good level of awareness of our ROCD which is very positive. A few things: - OCD thrives in secrecy and shame so if you can be open with your partner to the limit you feel comfortable, even just sharing that OCD makes you doubt and question things, that feels really positive. - I sense you have lots of fears around OCD and the relationship. Sometimes I write a list of all of the things I am fearful of, and it helps get them out of my head and takes some of the sting out of them. You just have to make sure you don't do your compulsions when engaging with the fears. - I don't know what you are fearing but when I first met my partner I was fearful that I would do something wrong and get 'in trouble'. Therefore, a good exposure was doing little things wrong on purpose (like leaving washing up) and seeing what happened. It was a way to show myself that I can do things 'wrong' and nothing bad is going to happen, even if I did get 'in trouble' it wasn't the end of the world. - I don't know why the label is, as you say freaking you out, but I get it. I've had it with friends. My friend asked me to be in her bridal party and I lost my mind. I felt so much pressure/ didn't feel good enough. I was questioning the friendship and myself. I guess the label added pressure, and with that pressure, there was lots of room for uncertainty to grow. Unfortunately, you are always going to have uncertainty in everything in life, especially relationships, so it's important to make peace with the uncertainty/ find ways to tolerate it.

shopgirl

Date posted: 21d ago

@B-Cole This comment really helps me feel less alone and crazy. I also have ended relationships before to get out of the horrible anxiety loop. I’m much more aware of my OCD and fear responses now, and I don’t want to keep pushing people away who are good for me. None of us deserve to live in fear just because we have OCD. I have been open with him that I have OCD and that it attaches to relationships. It helped to be open, but I sometimes think because he doesn’t know EVERYTHING that I’m lying. I know that isn’t true. I also don’t know why it’s the label that freaks me out. We were already doing relationship things and meeting eachothers friends, and he met my sister before the label. I think I get scared of feeling trapped or stuck or that I made the wrong choice. I hate it because my fears are more about how I feel about him than how he feels about me, even though I know I like him a lot and go through waves of being sure to unsure. But that is the nature of OCD. Thank you again for your insight.

B-Cole

Date posted: 21d ago

@shopgirl I understand everything you shared. It’s tough. There are some really strong fears in there. Fears around being dishonest, fears around being trapped. These are all really good things to be aware of - you are doing really well. At the moment I’m trying to practice being with fears, so for example, writing a fears list as a form of exposure. It’s really helping.

shopgirl

Date posted: 20d ago

@B-Cole Thank you for the encouragement. I think I’ll try to make a list too, it’s just harder for me to sit with the discomfort as much because I’m not in therapy. But I know I can despite how hard it is. You sound incredibly strong and I really appreciate you commenting on this and sharing what’s helped you.

B-Cole

Date posted: 20d ago

@shopgirl Easy to give advice, harder to take the advice yourself! But we are all trying our best - I believe in you!

ladygal

Date posted: 21d ago

I feel for ya, I have an amazing boyfriend and we were so connected last week and I felt like I was in love. He said he thought he was falling in love with me and BOOM, the next day I had anxiety. Just felt like there was so much more pressure in the relationship. I have had ROCD in the past and it ruined an amazing relationship. I don’t want it to ruin this one. I just don’t know how to interact with him when I’m feeling this way. I can’t force myself to feel comfortable… and I can tell it makes him pull away too. It just feels like my whole relationship hinges on me. It’s so hard and painful to “fall out of love” so quickly. Sorry to bring in my stuff, but I just wanted to share that you’re not alone and also relate. I set up an appt with NOCD but it’s expensive so I don’t know how much I can do…

shopgirl

Date posted: 21d ago

@ladygal Don’t be sorry at all. It helps to hear that this isn’t just me being in my head and that other people with OCD feel the same way. I’ve pushed people away before because of ROCD and I don’t want to be like that again in a relationship that is actually good for me. Im sorry you know how that feels too because it’s hard to feel the weight of responsibility. It’s so confusing- and like you said, painful- when you like the progression one minute, and then it flips to feeling like pressure. I know I need to be back in therapy but it is so expensive. I’m trying to work on being intentional about paying attention to my patterns, not acting on impulse, and accepting my feelings everyday. I do compulsions and reassure myself a lot right now, though, so I do need a more long term solution.

Ms.shelovesf...

Date posted: 22d ago

It's hard to not feel guilty but don't let your disorder stop you from being in any you want to be in .. it's a disorder and if you don't take your life back from it, it'll help you live it!!!!

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21d ago

Sounds like classic ROCD symptoms. Focus on managing your OCD first. Do you have an OCD therapist or have you done ERP before? OCD lies and latches onto anything we care about. Sounds like you really care about him so that’s great!!

shopgirl

Date posted: 21d ago

@Honeyshark I have done ERP before, but I had to stop because I couldn’t afford it anymore after I changed jobs and lost my insurance. I want to get back into therapy, but I don’t know when I’ll be able to and I’m scared that I won’t be able to try being in love again until I’m in treatment. Thank you for responding!

No matric ce...

Date posted: 21d ago

Watch nathan perterson on YouTube ocd-anxiety, it will help you learn about Rocd and so-ocd

tlousluvr

Date posted: 19w ago

advice 🧸

hi. so one big factor of my OCD is rumination. i met a guy who i have a crush on the idea of (idea bc there are red flags). my biggest fear is not finding true love, my ex told me no one else would deal with what i have (my ocd, specifically reassurance seeking and getting overstimulated after intimacy). a few weeks ago, my friends and family all gathered and tried to give me advice that sounded like “you’re shy and you’ll never find someone.” after that, i’ve felt off. i’ve been using an unhealthy coping skill, daydreaming, and i’ve just felt unbalanced. my ocd makes everything feel different sometimes, i can’t explain it. life, myself, almost like being in a dissociated state. has anyone else experienced that? i don’t know how to remain balanced during my off times and i know pms exasperates it all. i take ashwaghanda and omega 3s in a multi vitamin daily. i take them all together in the evening but i’ve missed three days recently and also messed with my rocky sleep schedule because of fun times with friends. i hope these supplements work, because i don’t know if i’d be brave enough for medication. i had a bad reaction on prozac and often am forgetful. i just have been battling my OCD consciously for almost ten years now and unconsciously for longer. i am so tired, as my mental health extends beyond my OCD. i’m in talk therapy with some cbt aspects but i only see her twice a month. i’ve broken down so many times and promised myself id get on track or that certain things would work, but it’s like i am stuck in a circle that gets smaller when i’m able to help myself. i just want to be normal. i want to be able to mess up my sleep schedule to enjoy good times and not suffer horrible consequences or fear that i will be entirely thrown off balance. i don’t want to worry or doubt or feel so dissociative that i squint my eyes for a moment and wonder why i feel so unreal. i will never understand why god has allowed me to go through this. i cannot let it be for nothing but i don’t know how much more to bend and contort my body and brain to get somewhere stable but how lovely it would be if i could. i don’t have much of a schedule right now, i get apathetic and give in with things from time to time. one thing can trigger me and i am back to square one wether in a week or month. any advice, any and all is so helpful. your stories, your thoughts. maybe feeling less alone and knowing what has helped you is exactly what i need right now. thank you 💗

ConstantPain

Date posted: 14w ago

Dealing with a lot. Need support and company.

My last and almost life long theme/sub-theme largely subsided recently and my ocd felt like it wasn’t even an issue. Then I went on winter break from uni and being alone made my mind come up with a whole new topic to obsess over. TLDR on my fears, my advisor wouldn’t email me back for a while about signing up for classes so my mind started to worry “what if he doesn’t in time and you can’t enroll this semester and you lose this whole life you just built and all these new friends” So when that issue was resolved my mind found other scarier ways I could be uprooted from my current life and friends that I’ve grown so attached to. Then my mind remembered back when I was struggling with false memories and scrupulosity and I essentially made a post on a forum 2 and a half years ago saying I did something or was convinced I did something that I never actually did. Now I’ve been spiraling about someone finding it reporting me and I either get seen as a horrible person or arrested or something over something I never actually did but “admitted” to out of fear of going to hell. My mind won’t let it go and keeps finding new reasons for it to be “valid” “logical” or even inevitable. I feel like it’s just hanging over my head and I can never rest easy. Especially when I try to focus on my daily tasks or plan for the future I get this horrible flair up of “why plan for the future when this could come back in that future and you get uprooted from all of it” my mind won’t rest without certainty being uprooted won’t happen but certainty doesn’t exist, at least not with ocd. This sucks and I miss being care free.

Elliesmith

Date posted: 11w ago

Is this a symptom of soocd

I’m 25 and never ever thought this before my soocd relapse. I have a bf of 5 years. Never been a high libido kinda girl. Don’t get me wrong I do get turned on by my bf but not like every day you know? - That had always been in the back of my head, is this normal and ok? But my ocd has latched onto the most scariest what if EVER. My brain is now saying How do you know you won’t prefer to sleep and kiss girls if you haven’t tried it: and it’s that unknown that is scaring the shit out of me. I DONT AND NEVER HAVE wanted to sleep / kiss a girl. But now my intrusive thoughts is all I think about!!! I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want??? So why does my brain think BUT WHAT IF??? I know ocd thrives off uncertainty which is why I think this is happening? But I don’t wanna find out or work it out because all I want is to be with my bf and marry him!! Is this just the epitome of OCD?

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