I just want to be normal again

I’m almost 6 months in since I started ERP therapy. I’ve noticed little changes. I still have a long way to go. I feel myself growing a little impatient because I thought I’d be further and have everything figured out out by now, but this is a process. I’ve talked about my ex a lot on here and to my therapist. We’ve done some ERP procedures. Some have helped and some I’m still working on. I saw someone post something about how you’re attracted to your partner and then sometimes you’re not. I’ve been struggling w/ this for almost 2 years now. (The attraction). When I first met my ex I wasn’t attracted. I thought maybe over time the attraction would grow. We met in late June almost 2 years ago. I’m a little nervous posting what I’m finna post, but maybe someone is going though something similar. My birthday is in August so she had brought me a early birthday gift at the end of July. It was really sweet. She wasn’t able to come in August for my birthday so I went out with my family to a baseball game. I’ve talked to my mom, therapist (at the time), and cousin about what I’m about to say next and they all said, “I didn’t do anything wrong.” But I still believe I did bc I new better and I don’t think it had anything to do w/ ocd. I feel like this was my real feelings. I had a girl on snap I use to talk to about a year prior. I remember thinking I wanna see if she was gonna wish me a happy birthday so I filmed a video of myself drinking beer at a baseball game. I guess I posted it for her, she ended up seeing it, but didn’t text HBD on snap. Immediately I felt guilty and deleted it. But before posting it I thought about it and this next part is so messed up I still feel ashamed to this day but I had a thought that popped saying, “ she’s not that attractive anyways and she didn’t give u a good gift ..so post.” After I had that thought I did. I held onto that thought and felt guilt for an entire year. Now I don’t wanna tell her business on here, but there were things that were happening health wise and someone very close to her passed. It’s almost like I was trying to find the right moment to tell her and everytime I wanted to something happened. And I know that’s not her fault. I felt guilt everyday. I would pray to god saying “I cheated, she’s never gonna forgive me etc.” Everytime I saw her i felt bad and guilty and what’s she was going through. (By the way I told her about the whole snap chat thing minjs the attractive/ gift part) I just feel like there’s some things you shouldn’t say. I felt suicidal and felt this overwhelming anxiety. She told me that she’s been cheated on in the passed and I thought I was another girl who was gonna break her heart. And also if I knew that then why would I do that? So few months go by and I drive there and she drives to my house. She would offer to buy me things , but I felt I didn’t deserve that so I would always tell her, “no that’s okay.” Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore I had to talk to my mom about it. She told me I didn’t do anything wrong. But I’m asking myself why do I feel so guilty. Damn near crying every night . Eventually it went away because of that “reassurance.” And it was more about me posting that pic for that girl to see, not about her weight. So now it’s January of 2024, I felt better bc I explained to my mom about what happened, but now I new theme popped up. One day we were hanging out in her bedroom and I don’t know if I put my hand on her stomach or what , but I felt guilty. Like why would I do that? “Am I trying to make her skinnier?” So now I was stuck on her appearance. I felt like I couldn’t talk to her because instrusive thoughts would pop up here and there I couldn’t joy my time with her. I began to question myself am I in this relationship bc I feel bad what she’s going though health wise or do I really love her? I really do believe I loved her, but I almost can’t remember and my mind twisting everything. And why was my mind so fixated on her weight? It doesn’t matter and it shouldn’t matter. The amount of times I’ve looked up YouTube videos about “does attraction matter in a relationship?” I think you should be attracted , but it’s not everything. It’s about how the person makes you feel. She made me feel good, made me laugh and smile. She was easy to talk to. Idk I’m kinda getting confused with the definition of “Love.” Like what really is it? I thought love was loving someone unconditionally no matter what they look like. I remember being more attracted when she wore her hairstyle one way then another day it would be something different . So is that really love? I hear people say love is a choice all the time. Are you suppose to feel a spark all the time? Or does spark come and go? And I feel like if u didn’t feel attracted to them you wouldnt be intimate. I think my dads side of the family effected me and made me feel less confident and I felt bad bc that rubbed off on her. It’s like I was stressed and nervous what I thought they thought of her when they saw her and I took my anxiety out on her.😞 I tried my best to have a poker face and not let it get to me but it did. I tried to be the strong one for both of us. So sometimes I’m like she deserves someone better who’s proud to be with her. But I feel more confident than I did a year ago. Like if we were to go out, I would hold her hand. Also guys this the first time I came out to my family so it might have been right but everything was new to me. I thought telling her everything would make me feel better and it did, but now these thoughts are coming up again. We aren’t talking anymore. I feel like over time my OCD got worse and this wasn’t when I was diagnosed. I got diagnosed September of 2024. Idk I’ve talked to my mom a lot about this and I’m thankful that I have her. She was saying you were doing the best you could then. I feel like it wasn’t enough and she keeps saying, “you didn’t know what any of this was.” So idk the more I didn’t get help did I just go completely numb? I feel like I’m in denial and maybe I never was attracted. I don’t know I guess I felt like I was lying to her about how I felt. But I really do believe I was in love at one point and it just went away. Part of me questions if I didn’t have OCD would things have played out differently? And why do I find myself missing her more when I’m PMSING and when I’m on my period then when I’m not. It’s like I almost don’t care about her ask much and I don’t like that . I rather feel my emotions than feel numb. I try not to think about the “what ifs,” but I’m scared for the unknown. Like what if she meets someone else? What if I do? I’m almost scared to talk to someone new bc I feel like I’m gonna have negative thoughts about my ex. My mom says I should get back on dating sites to just see how I feel, but I’m not mentally ready for that. I’m the type of person who doesn’t adapt well with change and it takes me a long time to move on from someone. We technically been broken up since end of June. But tried to work things out and middle of January of this year she said she was basically “done for now.” I feel like I wore her out with my OCD and putting a lot of stress on her and she said that she felt like I made her my punching bag. Like that doesn’t make me feel good. I know she was trying her best to understand OCD. If you don’t have it, it’s hard to explain and understand. She’s definitely changed me for the better. 2 years ago i was a mess and completely broken. You can’t just forget about someone who’s helped you and was there for you and didn’t give up. But she got to the point where she told me “how much more can I take?” I didn’t realize she felt that way and I felt so guilty bc I never wanted her to get to that point. I feel like I lost her for good. And I’m not asking you guys to feel sorry for me. I know I could’ve done things better, but I’m trying to better myself now. Maybe one day we’ll find one another again or maybe we won’t. I’ll always love her tho. I guess I’m still having conflicting feelings. She feels like my person. She makes me feel good, she listens, she makes me laugh and she’s brought me closer to god. ✨🤍 I’m tryna stay strong and tryna fight. My cousin said something one time that resonated with me. She said, “my mind is my biggest bully” and its true. I posted yesterday about how I’m lost and feel anger, and confusion. I’m trying to have some faith. Is there any one that related to anything I mentioned or have a verse that helps them try and get through day by day? Also thank you for taking your time to hear me out and read this.

Hey there! I’m new to the NOCD community. Just joined today, but in desperate need of encouragement from my fellow relationship OCD subtypes and scrupulosity subtypes. In the summer of 2023, I was a youth pastor and dated a guy from my church. I quickly broke it off because i felt lustful, sinful, and he didn’t meet my high standards. I quickly fell into depression and guilt, seeing this guy at my church. I felt like I had disappointed God by kissing a man he didn’t tell me to, or kissing someone I wasn’t going to marry. Fall and winter of 2023, I was having panic attacks. Dry heaving because of anxiety. I was obsessing over the end times and if I was going to be with Jesus for eternity or not. January and February of 2024, I was suicidal. Yet I thought it was spiritual warfare. I was spiritualizing everything, crying, dry heaving, having intense panic attacks. End of March and April, I was admitted into the hospital for my mental health by my pastor/boss and his wife from my church. They got me on sertraline but I was suicidal, delusional, and violent. So I admitted myself into a psych ward. During my time in the psych ward, I hallucinated, was delusional, acted out parables and experienced what’s called catatonic psychosis.. look it up lol. I was put on heavy doses of Haldol, an antipsychotic, which made me extremely high and antsy. I was hospitalized 4 times in April due to delusions, catatonic psychosis, and antipsychotics. I was extremely afraid of the devil, demonic spirits, thought I was the antichrist and had hallucinations. It was an extremely scary part of my life. All while this is happening, I had started dating my ex bf again. Who turned out to be a Godly man that I rushed things with and who had been praying and waiting for me. I stayed with my family over the summer of 2024 as I reacclimatized to real life again. And eventually moved back to where I was living as a youth pastor.. except I got a different job. When I moved back home.. it was really hard for me to get back into church. It was hard for me to see my church family who had seen me as a spiritual leader. I didn’t want to do church anymore. My bf and I then starting to sleep together, and I felt so broken and nauseous knowing it was wrong and we were sinning against God. We had given into temptation, and my ocd was running wild sometimes. I had been diagnosed with scrupulosity after being hospitalized. We’re still together to this day, are engaged and getting married, but I feel awful. I resigned my pastoral license because of fornication. I just feel paralyzed by shame. We’ve told multiple people we’ve slept together, whether it was a confession compulsion of mine or not.. idk. But are going through purity and pre marital counseling with that same pastor/former boss of mine. I just.. need encouragement. Anyone?

Hi I’m 17. My life since I was born has been full of exploring and tons and tons of hobbies. I have adhd. But about 1 year ago is when it kinda started or at least when I started to notice these thoughts and compulsions. I got in a relationship with my girlfriend. And about 2 weeks into that relationship my I started thinking “what if I don’t love her” and I didn’t even know that that’s what ocd was at the time and it ruined with gut wrenching anxiety for months. Then I started titling it as ocd. After we broke up I started to notice that my ocd was starting to flare up a lot. Like when I was snowboarding and normally when I was having the most fun is when I would ask myself things like “what if I hate this” “what if I’m not having fun” then I would try to feel if I was having fun. I would use chat gpt a lot to try and help it but it didn’t really help. I have lots of other ocd thoughts aswell but at the time this one really caused be anxiety and I just felt numb and I became not social. To this day I’m still not as social and I don’t feel like myself anymore. This is the opposite of who I was a year ago. Then I started questioning everything I do and people I love. So it feels like from the moment I wake up my mind just starts spiraling. I can’t seem to find peace or joy in anything anymore and I just feel like my life is going to continue like this and I’ll never be happy. I’ve accepted it at this point. I would love some help. I haven’t really told anyone I know so any tips would be appreciated. I’d be surprised if you even read this far haha. I’m also Christian and love to approach things from a Christian standpoint. I don’t want to sound like a baby who isn’t experiencing real ocd and it’s hard to put into words how much it affects me I just really hope yall understand and can help.