Can someone talk to me? +18

Trigger warning for disturbing s3xu4l stuff. Since i was a child i was exposed to, you know, 18+ content on the internet. My way of, yk, fixing it was to "rub" me, this is uncomfortable to say but oh well. So i ended up looking for lesbian stuff, not because female bodies were more attracive to me, but because i wanted to see something that resembled the "rub" sensation. I was also curious, as homosexuality was "Taboo" for me, my father was quite homophobic. I liked anime, so i ended up looking for hentai like the stuff i described above, on the busiest pages (the orange and black one) I found only one compilation with that at like 12-13 years old, and in that compilation there were very disturbing things, like clips of what looked like characters in schools and they looked very small. I saw it anyway without questioning it, and i even think i saw it again around that age (12-13) or i tried to search it but i didn't find it, i don't know. Then when i was 15 and the anxiety attack that i still have now started but with fears of being a Z00ph1.. but it hadn't fully dawned on me yet, so the last time i saw anything was when i searched for "incest gay comics", and the only thing that came out was, again, characters that looked small or in a chibi style. Not to mention that i did search for more disturbing things throughout those years (11-15 years old) but what i saw was mostly characters of my age. Another thing i don't remember when it was, or how, is that since i had a boyfriend at the time, i liked to fantasize about characters my age or ships my age, so i looked them up to fantasize about him. Once i don't know if i came across it or my boyfriend sent it to me (like at 12-13 again or so) but it was a very disturbing anime video of kindergarten girls turning adult and having yk, i don't remember if i was upset about it or if i fixed with it. I am very worried about these and that they would make me a monster or a P, these are my main real events and i'm so terrified of them.

Thank you, i'm sorry if i gave too much details or if i disturbed you, it's just so bad, i just think i have the worst events here :(

@Tireddd Dont worry! Is okay.Is difficult to struggle like this.You are not bad

Thank you so much! And also thank you for your really kind words. I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry you went through something similar, it's very painful, i send you hugs and strength to keep going 🫂

@Tireddd Sending the same to you 🫂 Take it one day at a time.