- Date posted
- 4w ago
Can someone talk to me? +18
Just woke up and feel terrible about my events and everything. Is there someone available?
Just woke up and feel terrible about my events and everything. Is there someone available?
I just want to say — your ability to speak this out loud is so brave. Staring OCD is one of those themes that carries so much shame and guilt, and yet, it’s so misunderstood. The very fact that you feel this much distress is already proof that your values are not aligned with harm or disrespect — they’re aligned with care, awareness, and deep moral responsibility. OCD loves to trap us in that loop of “checking to make sure we’re not doing something wrong,” and ironically, that checking becomes the very thing it convinces us to fear. It’s not about desire or intent — it’s about fear and anxiety manifesting as compulsions. You’re not weird. You’re not alone. And you’re definitely not a bad person. You’re someone who’s stuck in a painful loop, trying to be good in a brain that won’t stop questioning that goodness. You don’t have to earn your humanity back — you already are human. And being human means you deserve compassion, not punishment.
Yes.What happened?
Trigger warning for disturbing s3xu4l stuff. Since i was a child i was exposed to, you know, 18+ content on the internet. My way of, yk, fixing it was to "rub" me, this is uncomfortable to say but oh well. So i ended up looking for lesbian stuff, not because female bodies were more attracive to me, but because i wanted to see something that resembled the "rub" sensation. I was also curious, as homosexuality was "Taboo" for me, my father was quite homophobic. I liked anime, so i ended up looking for hentai like the stuff i described above, on the busiest pages (the orange and black one) I found only one compilation with that at like 12-13 years old, and in that compilation there were very disturbing things, like clips of what looked like characters in schools and they looked very small. I saw it anyway without questioning it, and i even think i saw it again around that age (12-13) or i tried to search it but i didn't find it, i don't know. Then when i was 15 and the anxiety attack that i still have now started but with fears of being a Z00ph1.. but it hadn't fully dawned on me yet, so the last time i saw anything was when i searched for "incest gay comics", and the only thing that came out was, again, characters that looked small or in a chibi style. Not to mention that i did search for more disturbing things throughout those years (11-15 years old) but what i saw was mostly characters of my age. Another thing i don't remember when it was, or how, is that since i had a boyfriend at the time, i liked to fantasize about characters my age or ships my age, so i looked them up to fantasize about him. Once i don't know if i came across it or my boyfriend sent it to me (like at 12-13 again or so) but it was a very disturbing anime video of kindergarten girls turning adult and having yk, i don't remember if i was upset about it or if i fixed with it. I am very worried about these and that they would make me a monster or a P, these are my main real events and i'm so terrified of them.
I am sorry that you struggle..I want to say to you that you were a kid and you didnt understand then.I know is difficult and I understand that you feel guilty.But is not your fault.And you are not a monster.You just need help
Thank you, i'm sorry if i gave too much details or if i disturbed you, it's just so bad, i just think i have the worst events here :(
Hi, I couldn't find your most recent post, so I'll just reply here! 🙇♀️ None of this makes you a monster or a... you know. There's thousands of people who've had similar childhood experiences (unfortunately), but it's not something that causes them this much distress. That's where the OCD comes into play and tries to twist these memories into something else entirely. I experienced similar things as a child (being exposed to inappropriate content at a young age, exploration, etc...). There's a lot I saw that I wish I didn't, but it doesn't define who I am now. And it doesn't define who you are now either. The fact you're worried about this is proof you aren't like those people. You've learned and grown so, so much since then 🥲🫂
Thank you so much! And also thank you for your really kind words. I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry you went through something similar, it's very painful, i send you hugs and strength to keep going 🫂
@Tireddd Sending the same to you 🫂 Take it one day at a time.
Why the h•••ll did this happen to me? Seriously, I felt like a normal person yesterday, and now this morning, I feel like I am now a p•••do. When I first woke up, I kept thinking about about the usual things about a kid, only this time it felt real. It was like I was into them sexually and because of that, my private parts growed. Even though I kept saying "no, no ,no" a lot, I felt was only talking to open air and it didn't feel like I meant it God, for the last couple of days, I truly felt normal for once, and against these thoughts. But now I know that I am a p•••do and a piece of s••••it for seeing kids that way. If I could go back before all of this happened, I f••••cking would. Because I KNOW I was never like this before.
I’m a 23 y/o female who has recently entered a phase of obsessive thoughts of mistakes I’ve made, ranging from events that happened over a decade ago when and I was a kid up to things that happened recently. I feel so much debilitating guilt I can’t do anything or function. I especially feel bad for this one instance. I have always had extremely low self esteem, and I often seek attention and validation especially from men. I like being liked. I find myself trying to act or look cute, or even act somewhat like a pick-me, so that I feel liked. I feel like I may even do this with girls too, but especially guys. I just really like attention, and I’ve been in a stagnant 6 year relationship where I don’t really feel desirable, and I’m very lonely. A few months ago I started playing a game where I met a large group of people and we would all play together everyday. One of the people in particular was a 15/16 year old guy who flirted with me a lot, and I kept my distance because he was so young, and I felt kinda weird talking to someone younger than me, but we would still talk sometimes because we were apart of the same discord group, and I have a problem being stern and confrontational so I didn’t want to be mean or make things awkward in the friend group. Although it made me uncomfortable that he was so young and that I’m nearly a whole decade older than him, and I did make it clear that I was dating someone and I was way too old for him and I would tell him to stop, I wasn’t very stern and I was very lighthearted about it and I even found myself liking the attention I got from him. I was flattered. I liked that he liked me so much even though I knew he was a teenager and I feel like I was maybe even seeking attention from him like I did with the other guys in the group. And when I say seeking attention, I mean that I was acting cute so that I was liked and got attention. Is that considered flirting? Was I flirting with him? Does this make me disgusting? That I liked the attention I got even though he was teenager? That I acted cute around him as well as all the other guys so that he would like me? I feel disgusted with myself. Does this make me a predator? Doesn’t this make me disgusting that I liked attention I got from a teenager? To be fair, I like the attention I get from any guy. I just like feeling liked. But I feel like it makes me disgusting that even though I knew he was a teenager I still liked and was flattered by the attention and was possibly even seeking it out from him. My head is all messed up. I really feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I feel disgusted with myself to the point that I’m nauseous. I’m so ashamed. I’ve been crying nonstop for days on end and I feel truly hopeless. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life with this shame and that I’m convinced that makes me a predator or a sick person. I don’t know if I’m overthinking things or not. I just really need some relief because I feel like I’m losing my mind, but I want someone to be honest with me about my actions.
i feel like i have been posting a lot about this and i will try to stop since now but i just don't know where to start or what to do, and i can't take therapy right now either. my event is about something that did actually happen; i had a boyfriend and we had a 1.5 age difference (i know this sounds stupid) but the thing is that we both started to sext a lot since he was 14 and i was 15. we shared audios videos pictures ect and i don't know how to just let this go, even when i know that i never really forced him into anything and i was always constantly worried about him being comfortable, when to stop and ect. the memories keep coming back to my mind and the guilt is eating me up slowly because i keep thinking that i'm a predator or a groomer or something like that. i don't know how to deal with the what ifs either, lately i haven't stopped thinking what if i sexually harassed or sexually exploited him or something like that. how do i deal with the cycle of guilt and constant what ifs if i also feel like my event is worse than others i've seen? please help me with this. it's getting a lil tiring and even if somedays i know how to deal with this, i still get really triggered sometimes. this wouldn't even bother me before, i wish i could just get back in time before this theme popped into my mind. my life has been a hell since then and i live constantly scared and suicidal.
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