Existential ocd

I go through that dream-like or out of body type feeling often. Sometimes it feels like a suddenly wake up and need to look around to really understand where my life is at. It's tough, and it makes you feel bad because you feel that you're losing time or fear that it means you don't care about those that you logically know you love. And when my mind sinks into circular thoughts of "after," it can really be frightening and overwhelming. So, here's what I currently do to deal with it ----- but keep in mind, I've only recently started accepting my OCD and learning more about it, and this is my first post or response on this app. So, I logically know what and who I love. I may spiral down thoughts of fearing that I'm not who I think I am, or that everything and everyone I care about is just me fooling myself into believing I care about things because the alternative is scary. But again, I do logically know what is important to me. So for me, even if nothing happens "after," and you feel none of it matters --- I still find a baseline of what matters. At the very base --- I think about what I go through. The struggles I go through daily, and even the difficulties of normal life. Even on my worst days, I know others are out there suffering so much more. That is not to say that my, or your, experience is insignificant; only that there are others suffering. Even people around you daily that you'll never know what they go through. There's plenty of people in my life that don't know the exhausting churn of my OCD mind, but likewise I do not fully grasp what others may be going through. I think of the little things that make me happy. A nice rainy day, someone letting me through in traffic, a loved one taking the initiative to open a water bottle for me so that I don't get stuck in a "ritual" (still haven't learned the most accepted term for the OCD caused tasks). So knowing that others are always going through difficulties; I try to make that a feeling of community. A community of humans trying their best to be happy. Life is too incredible of a feat of nature, to ignore or waste. But living is difficult. I see how others can make each day a bit easier, and a bit happier in their actions. So (I know this is getting long-winded, but I promise I'm getting to the point), I find motivation on knowing I have the ability to lessen the suffering of others. Not by being special or unique, but by being part of this human community and making a conscious effort. I can get up each day, knowing that a loved one is happy to see me, to talk to me; knowing that I could have the opportunity to hold the door open for a stranger or just have a pleasant conversation. And setting a long-term goal to get to a point in my life where I can provide the most good for the most amount of people. You can't take wealth and power with you after. But at the end, if you can look back on your life and know that you gave many other people in your community of earth and improvement in their experience of life, then you'll know yours was worthwhile. Death is inevitable. But life is precious and unique. We're all experiencing life as a community. Making that experience better for others, means your life has importance where you thought none existed. This is the mental path I take when I fall back into that. In high school, it was an especially heavy thought that would drag me down like quicksand. But this is the direction I've put my life in since, and I feel it has been a benefit me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

Finally, somebody who understands, and the post is recent! First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I don’t mean to celebrate your misery at all. I COMPLETELY understand where you’re coming from, and never in my life have I had a conversation with someone who has had this experience. To some extent, I just feel comforted knowing I’m not alone in this same exact spiral for the same exact reason. I’ve also had the same spiral in the past and similarly, was able to get out of it then (has happened twice before.) I’m terrified that I won’t get out of it this time. Everyone I’ve talked to has told me to stop thinking about it, or has told me that I’m overthinking and that I should distract myself from this thinking pattern. I wish I could make them understand that if I had the choice to not think such morbid thoughts, I WOULD! I would love to be able to simply turn off that part of my brain that keeps probing me for the answers to an objectively unanswerable question. It’s mentally exhausting and has become debilitating for me too. I spent all day at work thinking about it. In a way, it can make you feel like everything in the moment is completely meaningless because we’re all going to eventually die anyway and we have no idea what happens after. I find that my compulsions tend to be obsessively researching the topic and recently, religion, since most organized religions have a belief in some kind of afterlife. I can’t give you any solid advice because right now, I’m exactly where you are. But I’ll tell you that what’s keeping me going is the knowledge that I (and so have you!) have gotten out of this before, and I WILL get out of it again. I’m so sorry you’re going through this because I personally know how miserable this is, and I hope with everything in me that you’re able to transcend from this spiral. ❤️

Also, I joined this app for this purpose when I was looking for ways to deal with this. I read somewhere that “worry scheduling” can be helpful for this purpose, and that it’s a big part of ERP, which is known to be helpful for OCD. Apparently, scheduling a specific time in the day to allow yourself to worry about the obsessive thought (in this case, fear of death and what comes after.) For example, you could say that from 2:00 PM to 2:15 PM, you’ll allow yourself to worry about it as much as you want, intentionally. To the best of your ability, allow the anxiety to rise and sit with that sense of discomfort for that scheduled period of time. Then, try to move on to grounding techniques. Avoid enabling your own compulsions (researching death, religious views of afterlife) and try to track how you do with each passing day to see if you make any progress. I can’t promise these things will work, but that’s what I’m going to try and hope for the best!

Hey. How are you doing? I hope you’re feeling at least a little better 💜