I’m a monster. I know it.

(21+ ONLY: TRIGGER WARNING) I’ve been increasingly worried that I’m a zoophile (among other things) and that I’m attracted to my family dog. I love him and I take care of him—I take him out to poop and pee, I play with him, and I feed and water him. But I get nervous when I have to be around him for a long time—I get these thoughts and they just won’t stop. I’ll find myself looking at my dog’s privates and having these strange urges. I feel horrible—like I could’ve done something to him or touched him inappropriately and conveniently don’t remember. I don’t know what to do…

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 13w

Your post subject line sounds like you have certainty, but your actual post shows doubt. This is how OCD works - by giving you a possibility and inflating that to be a huge issue, by making the fear seem possible or certain. The more you engage with the thoughts, or try to prove them wrong, the stronger they come back. But ERP therapy can really help you work through this, and get you back to enjoying time with your dog.

StayCalm

Date posted: 13w

This sounds like intrusive thoughts that make people feel like they’re insane and disgusting especially the part where you’re thinking that you could’ve done something inconveniently don’t remember I feel that way a lot in different situations but in situations that could potentially be scary if they actually happened I’ve had a lot of moments where I think what if I did that I don’t remember I think you need to get a therapist that specializes in OCD and especially the intrusive thought type like pure OCD and talk to them about this if they’re familiar with it and a good therapist, it will give you some relief and calm down the negative thoughts that you have about yourself because I think the more that people Scare themselves into thinking that their garbage and a terrible person based off of an intrusive thought the more that it ruminates in their brain, but for me, I feel like when I first learned what this was I had no knowledge of it. I thought I was a mental case or a danger and then when I found out what it was, I realized that it wasn’t something that I wanted or desire it was just something that kept popping into my head over and over once you are fully aware of what OCD is and that it’s not your desires. I think it helps to make it happen less and less it got better for me for 20 years, but my OCD has been flaring recently.

StayCalm

Date posted: 13w

I also meant to add that the fact that you’re on here talking about it and it makes you so uncomfortable is another sign that it is OCD. Someone once told me that the thoughts that we have pop in our head that discussed us when we have OCD is a perfect example of why that’s not who we are because usually it’s the things that scare us the most, and make us the most uncomfortable the things that we would never wanna have anything to do with For me. That’s how my OCD is anyway the worst thing I could ever imagine is what pops into my head it’s a very scary feeling because it makes you question who you are that’s a mind game, but I promise the more help that you get and talk to someone about it and reassurance that it’s part of the disease the quicker it’s gonna quiet down and go away and give you some relief

garebear423

Date posted: 22w

Tw: beastility, sexual assault

I'm worried that I sexual assulted or r*ped my dog when I was 17 and I'm 18 now. This memory, has came up multiple and changes rapidly, it says that I was also saying very disturbing things to the dog, calling her good and weird disgusting things like that. I don't know if I can live with myself if this is true.

emma345

Date posted: 20w

Scared to interact with my cat because of zocd

NSFW 17f So basically I did something sexual to the cat when I was younger. It wasn't like full on bestiality, my privates weren't touching the cat and I wasn't touching the cats privates but it was still sexual. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. It didn't harm the cat in any way, but of course it's still horrible. So I developed real event ocd that ruined my life complitely. Most of the time I don't think I will male it to 20. Sometimes it's a living hell. I developed it more than a year ago and I barely even remember this year cause I was so consumed with guilt it was the only thing in my head. So i also developed zoophilia ocd because of it. And I feel so bad cause I can't interact with my cat anymore. Because she wants to and I have to ignore her. Slowly I started to be scared to let her on my bed. So I stopped. Then in my room. Stopped doing that too. I still tried to give her some attention just outside of my room. Then I got scared to touch her. So I stopped doing that, but I used her brush to pet her with it and her toys to play with her so i don't physically touch her. Then my ocd went like but what if you are subconsciously using her for sexual gratification when you look at her? So now I can't even look at my cat. I look away when she is around, block my sight with a hand, close my eyes or if I can I leave. But the heartbreaking part is. Before I remembered what I did I was giving my cat a lot of attention. Like everyone says I'm her favorite and she only allows me to hold her and pet her the certain ways. So for all that time she is desperately trying to get my attention. She jumps on my rooms door, meows for a long time, tries to sneak in my room and stuff like that. And It's so sad I just have to ignore her. Especially cause she doesn't understands why. She was getting so much love and then randomly she is being ignored?? idk her real age cause we took her from the street, but she lives with us for 13 years, so she is not young. She is pretty healthy so I don't think she is going to die any soon but still. if I never get over it she will spend her last years of life ignored. and this makes me want to cry and want to throw up. but I don't know what to do. if I touch her I start freaking out and convincing myself that I used her somehow for sexual stuff even if I didn't do anything like that. I'm so scared. and also sad for her. and I miss my cat tbh. like everhtime I have to close my door when she tried to enter I feel so bad. but I'm so scared. because after what I did to her I'm already a monster. I don't want to add anything else. but I also feel bad for ignoring her.

Imnew@this

Date posted: 15w

I feel like a monster

(21+ ONLY: TRIGGER WARNING) I honestly feel so overwhelmed by my thoughts—so overwhelmed that I honestly don’t care anymore. I feel like I’m accepting the fact that I’m a monster and have always been a monster. I broke down last night because of these thoughts but I wouldn’t tell anyone if they asked. It wouldn’t make sense to them. This morning, I was watching a body cam video and the person that was arrested was traumadumping about their past SA. I felt like I liked the thoughts and images I got from it. And instead of being disgusted, I let it happen. What does this mean? Does this mean that I’m a monster? Am I a just a monster in disguise?

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I’m a monster. I know it.

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