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isabellampereira

Date posted: 13w

Ruminating about past porn usage

When I was single, I watched a lot of porn, specifically lesbian porn even though I’m straight. When I got into my current relationship I dwindled down and eventually stopped watching porn of any kind, around six or so months ago. I had a flare up recently that has caused me to question every part of myself including my sexuality and my identity, my relationship, and other things that are important and valued to me, and porn keeps popping up in all of these things. I feel like my porn usage was me cheating on my boyfriend, especially in the early parts of our relationship. I broke down to him last month about it and he said it was okay, that he forgives me, but I’m still hung up on it because I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve wronged him and that I’m a terrible person and that I need to leave him because of this. This is so excruciatingly painful. I don’t want to keep confessing over and over and over again, but I don’t want to be a dirty lying cheater, which I feel like I am.

(_____)

Date posted: 13w

Feeling like a cheating liar is the worse. I had a relationship before my current boyfriend, is was insanely toxic and only lasted a month or two, I was also like 13-14. But I cannot shake the feeling that being in that relationship makes me “rotten” or “unclean” for my current boyfriend. It makes me feel disgusting that I was in a relationship before him. It took a whole 3 years, which is how my boyfriend and I have been dating, to shake the feeling off. My current advice would be the more you talk about it, the more guilty you feel. I’d find my self apologizing every second, because I felt so guilty. If he already told you that you’re okay, it’s way easier said than done but try and slowly let it go. I have started journaling, I still struggle with it since I haven’t spoke to a therapist just with different things. I recommend speaking to someone on here who is a therapist, I cannot do that myself since I am to scared to ask my family.

isabellamper...

Date posted: 13w

@s(_____) thank you. i just called him and confessed again and he again reassured me that it was fine, that it was in the past, that i don’t need to feel guilty and that we can move forward, but i just feel so disgusted with myself. i feel like i cheated because my porn usage went into our relationship.

(_____)

Date posted: 13w

@isabellampereira You’re brave and strong, someone told me people with ROCD ask for reassurance as lot and confess, this constant cycle of confessions and reassurance triggers it more! I struggle trying to get out of this cycle. I know you can do it!

(_____)

Date posted: 13w

@isabellampereira Here’s a few articles I found. Sometimes knowing that it’s your OCD and not your actual self, it helps organizing those thoughts in your head. https://www.behavioralhealthdirect.com/compulsive-confession-in-rocd/ https://www.cameronmurpheytherapy.com/blog/rocd-guilt I haven’t read these myself, I grabbed the quickest thing I found. Let me know what you think.

isabellamper...

Date posted: 13w

@s(_____) the second article really helped me, thank you so much. i’m looking forward to getting more help and controlling these thoughts. my mistakes and poor choices in the past don’t reflect my future, and as much as im ashamed, i can move forward

(_____)

Date posted: 13w

If you’re scared to click links, you are welcome to look up the article links. I know sometimes people online are hard to trust. First Article — Behavioral Health Direct “Stop Confessing Everything: Compulsive Confession in ROCD” Second Article — Cameron Murphy LMFT, Oakland Therapy “How to Overcome ROCD Guilt.”

24ozpersepho...

Date posted: 13w

Feeling extremely distressed about an action and having it “cause me to question every part of myself … and other things that are important and valued to me” could be part of the dictionary definition of OCD. Have you discussed how your thoughts of uncertainty and self-criticism are obsessions, and that confessing is a compulsion? I used to seek reassurance from my partner by confessing and saying sorry for so many things, and he used to respond like, “no no it’s ok you don’t need to apologize for that” which would lower my anxiety temporarily (but it’d always come back). After explaining to him that confessing and seeking reassurance was a compulsion, when I say things like, “I did xyz, so I’m the worst wife in the world, and you should just divorce me,” repeatedly about the same thing, he responds, “sounds like you’re seeking reassurance. Is this the OCD talking?” It was super uncomfortable at first to not have him say “it’s ok it’s ok.” But now, I think twice before I confess a lot because I know he’s not going to feed my OCD reassurance cycle. It’s ok to ask others for help treating your OCD! Having a helpful, loving support system has been the biggest factor in helping my treatment last beyond just the hour long therapy sessions.

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Holliea12

Date posted: 21w

Question of curiosity

TMI!! Hey everyone, I was coming on here to ask if anyone has experienced this before! Im in an amazing relationship with my boyfriend so in this post I wanted to ask this question because this is how it felt to me! I remembered earlier today I was watching this movie, etc. and there was this spicy scene in it (iykyk) and it got me feeling some sort of way. This has happened before especially if I’ve played a game or watched a show with some content like this. I felt really in the mood and started to imagine my boyfriend and I doing those things together and I sort of decided to (yanno, the m word) hopefully everyone understands because I just don’t like saying the word😭, but I found that every time I do that, that’s when my ocd is at its worst/peak. Every time my mind has tried to convince me I’ve cheated, when I self pleasure. I get in the mood if I think of my boyfriend and I doing those things I see in movies, shows etc, and that’s when I’ll do it, But literally I realized after I’ve done that at times my ocd is at its worst because my mind will attack me constantly asking “Is this cheating? Does this make me a horrible girlfriend?” If I self pleasure, I also want to add that I mentioned it to my boyfriend at one time and he told me it wasn’t at all and that everything is okay, but constantly I feel guilty for it and extremely horrible. Just wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this?

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

Anonymous

Date posted: 15w

Real event false memory ruining enjoyment guilt

Hi everyone, I'm struggling with what I think are intrusive thoughts, possibly related to OCD, and I'm hoping someone here might relate. When I was younger, in my early teens, I went through a period where I had a strong interest in pornography. During that time, I encountered hentai involving male characters, related to an anime I enjoyed. One of the characters was someone I even looked up to. I feel incredibly uncomfortable admitting this, but I believe I engaged in sexual activity related to it. Years later, I'm plagued by intrusive thoughts about this. I feel intense self-disgust and shame. It's like this memory has "tainted" my ability to enjoy that anime, and sometimes other things. I'm constantly replaying the situation in my mind, questioning my past actions, and worrying about what it means about me. The anxiety is significantly impacting my life. Does anyone else experience intrusive thoughts focused on past events, particularly those that cause feelings of shame or disgust? How do you cope with the constant replaying and questioning? I'm looking for support and understanding. Thank you for listening.

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