Maybe it is OCD (please say anything)

I have no idea anymore. I guess this all started with me worrying about whether I was gay, then whether I was a P, then worried about being just attracted to teenagers. After that I started freaking out about not feeling “grown up” enough. Like “I’m an adult wtf is wrong with me for seeing someone who is probably younger and thinking they’re physically attractive. Then I started overthinking not finding older adults (like 30 or 40) very attractive. Like ofc I’m probably not gonna find them attractive, they’re not anywhere close my age. Maybe the desires are half real. Maybe as a 21 yr old young adult I do find older teenagers (16+) somewhat physically attractive. I still think it’d be weird to date one. Maybe that’s the normal reaction I’m supposed to have. If not, please let me know. I just don’t wanna do anything illegal one day and I’m super scared I will. I can’t tell if the fear is my just being afraid of the law though, in which case I might actually just be a bad person. I hate that my brain is just rationalizing thoughts now. I feel like I can’t do the ERP thing of “just accept that the thoughts are there but don’t engage.” Like what? How can I just think a thought that might be so integral to my identity and just ignore it? If it’s all true and I don’t like people my age anymore then I have to know and plan around that, that could change my entire life. I’m rambling, my b.

Vee <3

Date posted: 12w

Real predators don’t obsess over these things. This sounds like OCD because of how urgent it seems to be to you. OCD wants us to find answers. OCD wants to “prove” to us that our fears are true. OCD wants us to “accept” and “admit” the worst. I feel like your nervous system is making you spiral and you’re seeking assurance, which will only make you spiral more. And I know it sucks to hear, but the only way out of this spiral is through. Sitting with this discomfort is the only way your nervous system will naturally re-regulate itself. There’s so much smoke in your mind bc you’re currently not in control, your OCD is. You need to stop letting it run the show by saying “okay, you think you’re so powerful? Face me head on like the big shot you think you are” and those thoughts will continue to eat at you, until they won’t. Because you sit with yourself, and you begin to regain bearings of your own self as OCD naturally runs itself to the ground. But you must stop fueling it.

Anony1314

Date posted: 12w

@Vee <3 Exactly!! This is great advice. I also needed to hear this because I've been guilty ALL WEEK seeking reassurance after reassurance.

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

@Vee <3 I hope it’s OCD but I can’t help but feel like I might actually want it. I don’t think this is false attraction because I actually am attracted to young women around my age. It’s like an obsession I can’t get rid of, and I definitely have compulsions like googling for hours and checking and posting on this app every day. But I feel like I should be feeling more distressed if it was OCD. It’s like my brain found this one thing I can’t disprove and it’s doing everything in its power to be like “you are this person. You know you are. You just have to control yourself from this point forward because you know you want to act on all of these thoughts.” I feel like spiraling has only made the thoughts feel more real/true. I hope you’re right and it’s all just in my head and not who I truly am.

Anony1314

Date posted: 12w

I've had the same debilitating thoughts about myself. But for it to bother us this much, that shows it's not who we are. Do you have a therapist? Knowing I've been clinically diagnosed with POCD has helped me so much.

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

@Anony1314 I do have a therapist but I’m worried the thoughts don’t bother me. Like the idea of being attracted to people that much younger is weird but I feel like it’s gotten less weird the more I think about it. I want to stop reassurance seeking but it feels like deep down I “know” this is who I am and the more I think about it the more convinced I am.

idkwhatusern...

Date posted: 16w

I’m questioning sexuality even though I’m young

Sort of a rant that probably sounds stupid and I’m kind of seeking reassurance… I’m still a relatively young teenager so I know I’ve got time to work all this out but I’m really confused about my sexuality. (I’m a girl) I’ve never been in a relationship (I don’t know if I want to be which is why I’m writing this) and sometimes I feel like I’ve never really had a crush and I just convinced myself that I did because I wanted to feel normal… but then maybe that’s false memory ocd??? I don’t really want to be in a long term relationship with a guy and idk about girls but idk if that’s just cos of my age??? Some days I hate the idea of ever dating, marrying or doing anything sexual. Other days I wish my mental / physical health was better so I could date someone! Everything I feel goes up and down a lot and idk why!? I have bad sexual intrusive thoughts that make me unsure whether anything that I think is real and my parents recently split up after not getting along for a few years. I don’t know if it’s my age, my ocd, my parents bad relationship, my sexuality (am I attracted to guys, girls? Am I ace!!!!???) Or something else but I have no idea who I am and I KNOW I’m young and have time but some other perspectives might help???? Can I ever be in a relationship if I have ocd like this? Also I’m really struggling not to compulsively seek reassurance and I don’t know who to talk to about all this irl I know I probably shouldn’t share this with random strangers but also idek if I care anymore 😭

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

My brain hates me (18+)

It’s like my brain is doing everything in its power to convince myself and also justify an attraction to teenagers. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this person, but what if I don’t have a choice. How do I get these thoughts out of my head permanently. I feel like my life will never be the same if they don’t leave forever. I can’t tell what is a real desire and what OCD is trying to convince me is a real desire. I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I don’t think I do but how do I even tell anymore. This might not even be OCD at this point, I can’t separate my thoughts from OCD thoughts I think because I’ve had OCD for so long so it all just feels like me. Maybe it is me. TMI but I haven’t pleasured myself in like a week because my libido is so low now, I don’t want to do it with these thoughts.

Ocd is horri...

Date posted: 12w

Help I’m loosing hope

18+ TW! Involves sexual content I have learning disabilities which means im always going to be 3-5 years mentally behind from my actual age… when I was 14 I remember finding people saying they work with kids “attractive” and I remember mastu*** over a kid around 5+ but when I was 14 I was either mentally age 11 or 9. So I didn’t know it was wrong, and as soon as I realised I stopped. People say I was young and it’s okay but I remember finding people saying they even walked past a nursery “attractive” but I don’t know if this is even the right word. Maybe cute? Because I find different emotions hard to tell the difference between, so maybe it’s cute rather than attractive. I never ever had intentions to do anything to younger individuals, it was just me finding people saying they worked with them etc attractive… which my ocd now plays on, because my friend mentioned they were working with kids but idk if it was the real me or not but I genuinely felt like I found it attractive and it was giving my so many groinal responses which then made me feel genuinely aroused like I wanted to do things. This plays on my mind because my ocd will always say “but you did/do find stuff like this attractive” but this literally stops me from eating, sleeping or anything. I can’t break from my compultions because what if I do genuinely find it attractive. I don’t think it’s even attractive maybe it’s cute? Like I find it cute… but cuteness can give people feelings down there I guess. I think because if my learning disabilities I found it hard to know the difference between “attraction” and cute so I did stuff over it because it gave me that feeling down there but that could of been cuteness feeling. I just need some support on this.

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