COCSA ? vent

i just thought about something that happened between me,my sister, and brother when we were younger and im pretty sure it was COCSA and im getting scared thinking about it. I’m the oldest and the biggest age gap is three years so we’re all fairly close in age and this happened when i was around maybe 8 and im not going to discuss too many details here because im scared but im just thinking about so many things from my childhood that could be signs i couldve been SA’d and its making me think what if i was and i dont remember and thats why that situation happened and the other ones im thinking about ? cause there are a couple situations im thinking about but i dont even know if theyre real. the only one i know is real is the one where i think i was apart of COCSA because i distinctly remember my siblings and i joking about it some time after it happened a few times. im scared of what my siblings might think of me if they remember it now after its been so long. like do they think im disgusting? i dont even remember how the event had started or if i was the one who made the suggestion but i just remember laughing when it was being done. honestly idek if it could be considered COCSA and im scared to talk to anyone about it in too much detail. this is really scary posting this i feel like im in trouble or something but idk i just need to vent. last post for now i just keep thinking too much today.

nae nae

Date posted: 12w

Hi. First of all, thanks for being so vulnerable with this post. I know it's scary to type it all out and share it with others, but I'm proud of you for it :) Second, this is something my OCD latched onto as well, and it's actually fairly common for OCD to latch onto events from childhood like this. A lot of people do things as kids they don't really understand. Our minds aren't developed, and we don't have the knowledge we do now, which is why we might judge ourselves harshly when we look back on things we did. That, and OCD lol. I just want to say that it gets better, and I know everyone says that, but coming from someone who's gotten over this obsession, I thought it might bring some comfort. Or hope? I don't know. When I spiraled, I compulsively confessed to my parents and to my sister (who I also apologized to). And guess what? They didn't judge me. They didn't hate me. In fact, my sister laughed when I came to her sobbing about how terrified I was, thinking I had done something horrible or hurt her. But then she hugged me for a long time (while trying to hold back her laughter lol), and when I apologized, she said I didn't need to, but she'd accept my apology if it would help me to be able to move on. And it did for a while, but OCD did NOT wanna let go of these memories. It's taken a lot of work, and I've had help from my psychiatrist, this community, and my family to get to where I am. I don't even think about it anymore, and if it crosses my mind, I don't feel nauseous or anxious. I don't criminalize younger me, and I hope you're able to get to a point where you don't do that either... If you need to talk, vent, or any advice, I'm here to listen and offer support 🫂

anonymous2580

Date posted: 24w

Remembering things from my childhood

(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Real event or false memories

I’m reaching out for educational and self-awareness purposes, hoping to better understand something I’ve been mentally struggling with for several years. Around five years ago, I began having a deeply distressing memory involving the fear that I may have acted inappropriately toward my younger sister when I was around 13–14 years old. The details are vague, fragmented, and unclear—but ever since this thought first appeared, I’ve treated it as if it were a real event. I’ve carried immense guilt, fear, and anxiety for years, convinced that I must have done something horrible. Despite asking my sister (who remembers absolutely nothing, has never shown signs of discomfort, and has told me more than once that she would’ve spoken up if anything had happened), the doubt and guilt never went away. The memory feels real, yet there is no external confirmation, no direct recall, and no evidence beyond my own mental images and fear. I’ve also struggled with obsessive thoughts in other areas, such as health anxiety since childhood—frequent doctor visits, checking my pulse, obsessing over illness—and only recently learned about false memory OCD, which aligns with my experience. I’m not currently seeking therapy but would greatly appreciate your professional opinion from an educational perspective: Does this sound more like a real memory, or more likely a false memory created by OCD or anxiety-related mechanisms I am stuck between a normal person or a s*xual abuser

Lulu~

Date posted: 16w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

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