Should I start antidepressant course again? Feeling hopeless

I suffer since 10 - 15 yrs from specific fears. It was years that my OCD constantly wanted to be checked if I have HIV or not. I had a lot of sex and I thought this is normal. But I ruminated in my backhead about and was testing like 5 - 10 times a year. After the test I felt everytime so relieved. In Corona I was addicted to porn and even I lost control and was watching pretty hard stuff. I was chatting with a girl and we fantasized about really disturbing things. I never wanna meet her and for me was sure it's just kinda onlinestuff. I was in a relationship 3 years now. And I lost fear of HIV. But then came Morality OCD, Real Event (this chat) and after some times POCD. This combination was knocking me out, I felt like the badest person on earth. I did everything wrong and searched for relief and reassurance. It put me to the point of suicidal. I never ever hurting somebody, but my brain was making me a monster. I had to quit the relationship because I just couldn't give her what she deserved. I was in a clinic for 3 months. And we tested medication with ERP (before I took escitalopram for years). Anafranil was working first, then too many side-effects. I tried even without meds, but was so depressed. Now on sertralin for 5 weeks, but only 2 weeks on therapeutic dose 200mg. And wow, now I really feel so confused in the brain. I feel like how big my OCD became. The specific thoughts are not anymore, BUT it sticks on EVERYTHING atm. It's delusional how it feels in the brain. I really hope so deep my brain makes finally a reset and I need to wait it out. I could live with OCD for a long time but the last 1-2 yrs it took absolutely everything. I remark that POCD doesn't stick anymore like before but my brain is now constructing a very bad future because of past mistakes (that I all discussed with family, friends for relief over and over and over again). So it's like my OCD is now Real Event (The sexchat) again. Anyone was on the same point in life?

Hi all. Unfortunately I have relapsed with what I believe is POCD/ REOCD again. Im 33 going on 34 (m) and from the ages of around 23 to 26/27 had terrible OCD / shame and guilt from a mistake made in early teenage years ( Im going to say 11/12 ). It was truly the greatest struggle to make it through those years. From ages 27/28 to ~ 6 weeks ago my OCD was I would say 99% under control with the help of 150mg sertraline which was fantastic and allowed me to live as normally as I could have hoped for. A real event from almost 10 years ago randomly popped up in my mind , and the past 6 weeks have been truly awful with very little headspace for rational thought and certainly no good mood. A few panic attacks thrown in and an inability to hold my job down makes this seem like an impossible challenge to overcome. My mind is telling me its only a matter of time before police show to my door and Ill be socially berated. Ive become a bit paranoid and really do not feel worthy/ able for living a happy life going forward. Previously, on the earlier theme I had confessed to a parent not knowing it would be damaging in the long run and to be honest I dont know what helped to recover. Maybe I could have recovered sooner had I known it was definently OCD I was dealing with and effective treatment options. In the end I think I adopted a " so what" and "it is what it is" attitude after so much internal anguish which helped. With this theme, once again my mind tells me its not OCD and I am just feeling huge amounts of guilt for past actions which may never leave me. I do feel Im looking at this event in a very black and white manner however my mind wont allow anything else. Ive had days where I could function while being able to tell myself " if the worst case scenario happens, it happens " but Ive also had days where my mind tells me I wont survive another week of this guilt, let alone deal with the real life cosequences. I have no experience of ERP but I do intend to look into it. What makes me think it may be worthwhile is that last week while at work I came across an event on social media where someone went to jail for something "similar" ( my mind tells me my actions were worse ) and I just sat with the fear and anxiety which was awful in the moment - however I got some moments of positivy and become almost "carefree" that evening as the bad feelings came and went without giving in to compulsions ( main ones are googling and mental review/ re reading texts ) Of course they came back a day later . I guess Im just showing my face here so to speak, and letting you all know that there are others in the same fight, and that youre not alone. I appreciate all input. J Ps if anyone has had previous success on increasing sertraline from 150mg upward please let me know. I do feel I need a higher dose/ something more effective for this episode as I am not getting much relief from my thoughts. I have heard from some sertraline is more useful at higher doses ( 300/400 mg ) for OCD??? Any thoughts? Thank you

i am new to thinking about OCD - keep that in mind when reading. for a very long time without realizing it i obsessed over what mental health issues i had even though i wanted to stop and i never came across OCD. i think i eventually came to a subconscious decision to stop thinking about mental health issues after a very long time but it came back in an abusive relationship where i am pretty sure they have OCD even more severe than me. i think they misdiagnosed themselves with BPD and they are just very traumatized and have OCD about rejection and many other things but it could be both. they convinced me that i had BPD and i still do not know about that and i want to stop caring about that because my obvious OCD and PTSD are bigger problems. they intentionally hurt me a few times - this was because they convinced themselves that they had DID and everything they did was just another person doing that and i tried to help them resolve their mental health issues. this eventually worked as they now recognize that they did not have did and they are genuinely sorry and genuinely understand how damaging it was for them to hurt me and them have them be the only person that comforts me. it is extremely difficult to get comfort from other people except them and i am obsessed with trying to process emotions from repeated damage they have caused me over a 8 month lifespan. i was trying to say "its okay" to myself or tell myself that they truly didnt mean it afterwards and im attempting to stop that. the thoughts keep popping up. i was taking a long break where i only communicated to them through a mediator (my partner is now being very respectful) and i felt like i was truly healing but a few days ago i thought about if i have ocd or not and it made me realize that i was entirely dependent on them for comfort and i miss that love feeling i want nothing except that love feeling back without the abuse. this made me spiral horribly and i begged the mediator to let me talk to them and then i started talking to them for a few days, regardless of how understanding and kind they were they still made me feel like i need to puke because of how bad i felt for them and how much pain is associated with them. i started actually dissociating a few days ago which they did a lot. things feel blurry just like how they described. i think i needed to do it in order to talk to them for an extended period. i ended up helping them by telling them about ocd even though im tired of helping them through everything and having them rely on me i just wanted to give them the tools to feel good but it made me feel terrible because i always used to help them and then feel bad and it made me throw up after i wanted to take a break. i was healing and talking to them set me back really far - i learned a lot about how they feel about this and i learned a lot about why i do this in the first place but it hurts so much and i cant let myself talk to them again. i keep trying to process my ptsd when the memories come back and constant dissociation is making it harder i hope that ends soon. im worrying that im suppressing my emotions all of the time because they thought that was why they originally thought i was feeling bad and not the trauma. i am trying to seek a psychiatrist and therapy soon but i am reliant on my mom for that and i dont know what to do or if shes going to do something thats good for me. im excited to see the psychiatrist though. im 17. i am at the point now where i just want to stop having the highs and the lows and just be neutral all the time but its so hard to break out of these patterns. its really hard to sleep enough. genuinely any advice for any information i have provided would be appreciated no matter how small