:( am I cursed?

:( hey thanks for reaching out. Is it common like...ocd asks back "is it really ocd or what if everything is fake science is fake" and even more layered, frightening thoughts like- "what if you never ever get well because this is a gods curse?"

🥺 thank you for keeping up. I will try it and I will let you know. Even now, the background I chattering with meta-ocd thoughts...along with my dad's yelling:(:( thank you for being here....

Yes I have! Actually the thing is before the existential/religious catagory ocd, I had the same ruminating thought pattern but it was different. Like I don't know if I am able to explain it well but, I have been suffering from severe Cptsd along with emotionally abusive household things so consistently, my thought patterns automatically, without me noticing much, went highly toxic level analytical and 24/7 ruminations. Mostly about education, politics, the world in a very pessimistic manner (maybe because I had been so down myself). So suddenly after attending (mom took me there) some spirituality seminar and a lot of thiest things, suddenly the spiral started to spiral around these topics ....it's tearing me apart💔💔💔💔💔 my mind is trying to "go back to before" but before I was analyzing and stuff...ahhhh I don't even know :(:(:(:(:(

i think yeah, but later .... She'll take me to psychiatrist...now the thing with ocd and cptsd is....ocd feels even even realer because my brain is always hyper virgilant and hyper active so....once I recognize "okay, no ocd is spiking" my brain automatically in layer puts more ocd like "what if this is not ocd, and a curse" then another layer following by this- "then you're meant to die, you'll never make it"etc etc...so everything I think, there's always a background stream going on my head :( isn't it still ocd? When do I even rely on my brain? Was the time when I did rely on it was fake??

Hey I'm so so glad you are replying..these feel like relief...so.... I have been really traumatized and hypervigilant for almost 2 years straight..every single day...so I kinda got used to the mental trap and 24/7 voices....as a creative person, I wrote a lot of poem, had songwriting/filmmaking visions and stuff in these 2 years. And they are like my only lifelines still. And I still have dreams of creative art. Now when the ocd wore the mask of "religious trauma", It was so extremely intense and taboo and insanely scary that it's the time when I found out, okay, this is actually OCD. So then maybe this is another ocd voice or maybe it's not, It's asking- "if ocd is wrong, and it just stole your thinking system, were all those thoughts and creation, poems, songwriting dreams,,,,all a byproduct of ocd too?????" :(:(:(

Hey sorry for responding late :( Ive been feeling a little off lately and thought about reaching out to you. After trying on some new tools against it, the ocd has taken a sneaky, survival logics form. And thus I give into it a few times and can't find my way out :( For context: in this 2 years of my Cptsd, I was under so much emotional gaslighting, neglect and abuse this my truth seeking mind automatically made a whole survival logics system to keep going alone. Because none was helping. I had no choice but to believe in it and everything and accept the logics tho I was definitely a coping. And as now, ocd has spiked in life, first as religious/existential now getting meta and pure ruminating, This is hooking on those logics that I had to obey and went by for surviving for this long time :( So I'm confused, distressed again about- *Do I know everything? *Is my mind figuring out everything right?? *Was it wrong before? *Is it wrong now? *Do I trust my mind? And most of the times, These ocds arent even this direct. Them come even in more layers while I'm thinking or figuring out on "survival logics".. So like these questions arise EVEN BENEATH trying to figure out :(:(:(

Hi there again.... :):)uhhh I'm actually in a very messy, confusing brain fog disassociated state so I might not be able to write what I wanted to "in the moment where I was thinking about it more"... Soo... The 24 hours mission idea you gave me... I did it you know... And it was good..it was great... I had thoughts, but I didn't dwell on em...I tried to do things... Rn I'm having another severe ocd spikes.. Triggered by my religious, toxic teachers and an explicit religious rally I saw while coming home from school and ocd is getting so obsessed over it :(:(:( My voice tryna "make sense" "Conclude" everything by logic by anything and everything and I'm so distressed it hurting me so much... Even if I try to label it "ocd, ocd" It is trying to say: "when you feel at peace, you feel peace because you see the distress from the 'other side' angle and that's why...then you don't think about the 'thick off it' logics you actually had...you only let it go... But what if 'while in the thick of it' logics are actually true You can't deny me! (The so called layer guardian voice) Bcz you use this (the overthinking, logics) to feel content too!!!!!!! Wait! Wait! This means you've always been escaping!!!!!!!!!! Escaping!!!!! From Truth!!! Truth!" Extreme extreme (getting triggered by religious toxic things said by teachers, others, memories, even asking "why is religion, why am I not religious etc etc etc" then panicking")

Hey :( are you up

@m_nirvana How is everything going?

@ERP is the way to be Went to a psychiatrist yesterday....my thoughts, self was so so scared and scattered that I couldn't actually say much clearly... Tho they got the severity. Gave meds and sleeping pills ... ... Actually :( :( actually I'm actively trying to do "nothing" about ocd, aka tryna apply erp... But my ocd is very meta, convincing and ofc I'm getting convinced some of the times when I can't distinguish between even this question- "what is this ocd awareness is a distraction from religious truth." Over all, I'm trying to manage it multiple times...the discomfort, "cursed" feeling remains, but the thing is every single time the "conflicts" somehow come back, It washed away all the "better" months I felt before and feel like now it's "actually real" :( :( :(

@m_nirvana @ERP is the way to be Went to a psychiatrist yesterday....my thoughts, self was so so scared and scattered that I couldn't actually say much clearly... Tho they got the severity. Gave meds and sleeping pills ... ... Actually :( :( actually I'm actively trying to do "nothing" about ocd, aka tryna apply erp... But my ocd is very meta, convincing and ofc I'm getting convinced some of the times when I can't distinguish between even this question- "what is this ocd awareness is a distraction from religious truth." Over all, I'm trying to manage it multiple times...the discomfort, "cursed" feeling remains, but the thing is every single time the "conflicts" somehow come back, It washed away all the "better" months I felt before and feel like now it's "actually real" :( :( :(