How is hocd still affecting me after 5.5 years? I don't understand. I've started to believe around 2 years ago it's real it's just not stopping. I have no idea which gender I actually like or should pursue. My attractions and interactions with men and women are are all messed up This deep feeling of uncertainty and not knowing is excruciating yet I think I know the answer but it causes distress
what helped me was getting into american baseball and just completely diving into it. i enjoy it so much that i learned all about it, watch every game, and try to attend every home game my team has. also, identifying different OCD patterns that you’ve had in your life is helpful to separate that this is actually OCD and not something that you actually feel. for example, my first experience with OCD was when i was 5 and i was deathly afraid of the color blue. then it transferred to fear of dental issues when i was 6, then fear of going to school when i was 7, etc. the more you recognize that this IS OCD, the more you separate it from your core of who you are.
Trying to find out what is ocd and not isn't helpful. I found the old patterns to dismiss it but the present ones got worse
@Imaan7 well do you have patterns of OCD with different themes that occurred previously in your life?
@isabellampereira Not with full fledged themes, but patterns ocd behavior in other areas yes. I've only had 2-3 themes and hocd is the main one.
@Imaan7 got it—that makes sense though, considering HOCD is your main one. this might be a redundant question but have you done ERP?
@isabellampereira Erp wouldn't work with me I'm way past that stage. My issue is thinking errors and thinking myself into deep confusions which may or may not be real.
the compulsive urge to figure it out is why you’re stuck. I’ve suffered this theme for about four months, and while it’s certainly distressing and painful, you cannot let yourself give it that power over you. get outside, enjoy hobbies, find what makes YOU happy outside of OCD. have experiences in things that you’re interested in; sports, music, travel, etc. tire yourself out and do it all over again the next day. you are not the exception and you also have the power to create reality in the way that you want to do it. live by your values and not by your thoughts. you have power. your thoughts are just thoughts.
Don't know what my values are especially when it's comes to sexuality. Its easy to say just do other things that you like but how do you handle the interactions with men and women, you see them everyday and the confusion is just there all the time
@Imaan7 don’t figure out your values when it comes to your sexuality then. don’t try to figure it out, cause that teaches your brain that it’s actually not that serious. i get what you’re saying about the confusion on interactions with people of either gender, and yeah, sometimes it’s confusing, ESPECIALLY if you’re actively trying to figure it out instead of letting it be. it’s confusing because there’s so much meaning attached to it. the only way to get out is to accept the thoughts as thoughts and not accept them as who you are. OCD is meant to keep you trapped.
I’ve had POCD on and off for around 8 years. A lot more good times than bad. OCD is really sticky. What you say you want is what you want in terms of sexual desire
I don't know what I want. I can't tell clearly
I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.
Like I can’t think straight. This is making me doubt everything I’ve thought about myself and even makes me feel like I like the thoughts when I know I don’t. Like I would be less anxious at a time while I still have the thoughts and my mind would go “oh so you like it you must be gay” or the other one where I’m not anxious and I think of my attraction for girls that I’ve had my whole life and my mind goes “see now you’re not into them you’re gay” like it’s so stupid but so effective. I clearly remember being into girls my whole life but my mind is making me believe that all these attractions and feelings for women were all fake or “a thing of the past”. But I can still get aroused by women but I have this weird anxiety going on which brings these sensations/feelings and it’s so weird. Today I’ve spent my whole day thinking about it like I’ve been doing for 5 months now. I know that this aint normal but my mind just won’t let me live in peace. I never cared about my sexuality cuz I simply liked women my whole life but now my sexuality is a fundamental philosophy. I hate this.
I’ve tried accepting the uncertainty, I’ve accepted I may be gay, bi or still straight. I’ve tried doing ERP myself to the best I can. When I accept that I’m gay or bi why doesn’t my head agree and move on? Why does it still question it? I know I don’t want to be at all. I love my family. But I just want this to move on. I want to enjoy life. Why can’t I find women attractive again? (Brief moments I do). I seriously don’t understand the false attraction? I’ve tried agreeing with it but it won’t let this drop. Why am I attracted to the same sex? Why am I attracted to people I would never thought of looking at? Why does it give me such grief about this? I know I shouldn’t look at adult content but why can I only feel good watching either lesbian or females? I tried to agree with the gay but it makes me sick and horrendous I even considered this? I just want my life back.
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