Struggling with i think ROCD

@dawnofdefeat How did it turn you for your both?

@jazzyworldmarie23761984 It was something that he brought up because he is my first relationship and he worries that I will want to leave him someday because I might feel like I have missed out on experiencing other people. We talked about how he would be willing to try and let me explore other people so that I could fulfill that if I ever needed it, but that he ultimately wouldn’t prefer it and it would hurt him. I had had those thoughts and worries myself, but I didn’t tell him exactly that I wondered about it. We’ve talked about it a couple of times but nothing ever comes from it because after the conversation I realize that I wouldn’t want or need another relationship right now and it’s not something I need to worry about. It would take too much time and effort honestly. The thoughts do come in about it every now and then. I’ve been struggling with it internally for a bit recently

@dawnofdefeat Wow i’m glad that you guys discussed that! My boyfriend was very open with me about how he felt when I told him. His response was more that he doesn’t feel like that would be right for our relationship which I totally understand. But my issue is I know that something I don’t want to explore, but it’s also like that doubt that sometimes overloading my true feelings if I do wanna try it, but I know if I was to try, I feel like I would ruin a great relationship. It’s hard to decipher if ROCD is the issue because I really love him and this girl and feeling has been killing me.

@jazzyworldmarie23761984 Yeah, I’ve thought about if I’d want to open up the relationship but I think it would just end up in a lot of hurt and ruin it. If it did work out we’d need a lot of communication and I’d have to be prepared for him to be with other people as well. One of my focuses especially early on was jealousy of him and his past relationships so idk how I’d even consider opening ours. But somehow it feels like it’d be okay. Like there’s choice in it I guess as compared to him having been with other people before me which I had no say in (of course cause he’s an individual with a past and has made choices etc etc). But I’ve never had a specific person I’m interested in that conflated this thought about opening the relationship like you. Do you want to talk more about the girl you’re interested in?

@dawnofdefeat for me I’m not interested in anyone specifically it’s just I’ve just had those thoughts of curiosity because I’ve only had one partner and only been in one relationship so I think for me it’s my OCD that’s telling me that I might wanna explore when I know in my heart, I don’t want to so it’s confusing

@jazzyworldmarie23761984 Yeah, I get you. I’ve felt the same way before and sometimes now too

@jazzyworldmarie23761984 Do you ever struggle with your sexuality? Like do you wonder if you’re attracted to women more than men or if you might be a lesbian and that you’re not attracted to your boyfriend?

@dawnofdefeat No I never have and issue with that! I’m very firm and confident in my sexuality.

@jazzyworldmarie23761984 Okay, I was curious cause it’s something I wonder about myself. One moment I’m confident in what I know and the next I’m not sure again. Sorry to change the subject a bit. Do you want to share anymore about your experience?

@dawnofdefeat no, it’s okay! NOCD is a place where we are able to speak our truth and how we feel about things so don’t apologize. And honestly, I’m just trying to navigate what I was addressing earlier and I don’t want my boyfriend to ever lose faith in me and feel like I don’t wanna be with him when I’m just having intrusive and overthinking thoughts that can sometimes take over my true feelings.

@jazzyworldmarie23761984 Thank you I appreciate that <3 I think maybe something that could help is knowing that he could decide to leave you but he hasn’t yet. Additionally, he always has the choice to stay or leave and you can never take that away from him. You can be open with him about your experience as much as you are comfortable with and he has the right to decide if he wants to continue your relationship. You can be confident in yourself that you will be okay with it without him, even though you’d prefer to be with him. Does that help at all or make you feel worse?

@dawnofdefeat I think this helped me a lot. I’m still gonna just feel guilty and horrible just for even simply having a curious thoughts like that and I just wanna make sure that my feelings are true and I know what my feelings are also.

@jazzyworldmarie23761984 Having curious thoughts is something everyone has and it’s why we are such intelligent creatures! I have those curious thoughts too and I get the negative feelings that come with them, but I think it’s part of being human and also survival. For now, focus on this current moment. Is there anything intensely bad or harmful happening coming from you or your boyfriend right now?

@dawnofdefeat No things is happening in this moment. We’re trying to communicate better and understand some of the things i tell him

@jazzyworldmarie23761984 So you know that nothing worth leaving each other is happening right now and you want to be in a relationship with him. Something that helps me sometimes is taking a deep breath and either thinking or saying “everything is going to be okay” and focusing on that thought as much as possible.

@jazzyworldmarie23761984 Perhaps also express some appreciation to him for hearing you out as well (without apologizing for your existence if that makes sense) and remind him of what you do love about him and your relationship. This could also help remind you of why you love him and his impact on your life

@🍁dawnofdefeat🍁 Those are good tips and totally make me feel better. I really appreciate you replying back to me and hearing about my recent compulsions.

@jazzyworldmarie23761984 Of course!! I’m so glad I could help <3