Complex Trauma and Pure OCD

tw: abuse I feel like my early childhood experiences may have caused OCD. Most of them not really positive, involving one that was somewhat sexual but could be passed off as a brief accident (without going into detail), though even that I feel like has left a scar of some sort. I also endured neglect and unfortunately physical abuse for a really long time so I do sometimes get flashbacks of certain things and it's tragic what happened. This made me hide completely everything from my parents and not interact with them, instead being left completely alone to figure things out myself. It made me redirect to the online world where morbid curiosity led me to really disturbing stories and tales, all at an age where I wasn't really able to process it completely and instead resorted to saying "This wouldn't be me, 100%. This is disgusting.". Could this have caused my OCD? Maybe helped trigger it, not like it made it any better. I almost feel like I was watching those videos compulsively, to see whether I still react "how I'm supposed to". I was also raised in a very religious and strict household, where any deviation from the norm was considered "against God" which also is how OCD started - with me getting blasphemous thoughts and feeling like I'm going to hell over it. It's also caused a lot of internalized homophobia / transphobia where OCD told me that by being LGBTQ+ I'm immoral or that "God has left me to my own twisted desires" and that the next step is complete immorality. Hell, it even made me avoid the term "pan" and use "bi" instead because it told me "So you're open to relationships with all genders, sure, but what if you start ignoring everything altogether?", yikes. I even had transgender OCD, but the kind where you're afraid you'll suddenly become the other gender / are on your way to becoming the other gender AND that you'll be socially outcast for it. Interestingly enough, I've learned that it's nothing dangerous and I am in theory transgender - not the opposite sex assigned at birth, just outside the binary. And I can already hear OCD screaming "SO YOU'RE GONNA NORMALIZE SOMETHING BAD NEXT" - no, I won't. All the theme's I've had up until this point were characteristic of Pure OCD - always things that are seen by me as "unacceptable" or "wrong". Whether it's me having swears interjected into prayer, or worrying that I'll become trans and be outcast, or then worrying about harm ending up on sexual OCD, all revolve around me fearing that I'm not who I think I am and trying to desperately figure out whether that's the case. Anyone relate? Any advice you would have for me? I feel like this could be CPTSD / generally trauma but then I'm not qualified to say that it is with certainty. Just wanted to rant / vent.

Attention_Whore

Date posted: 19h

I experience the same thing! My mom is an extreme narcissist. I was also raised in an extremely religious household and I was forced into Christian schools. I completely understand what you mean and it’s genuinely such a hard thing to live with. Im learning more about it everyday and Im slowly getting better. I recommend therapy! I know bad experiences with therapy are common but if you keep trying, its SOOOO worth it! I’m the type of person to ask 20,000 questions or else I’ll go crazy loll!

idkwhatusern...

Date posted: 13w

When does something count as trauma?

Really long vent sorry 😣 I don’t think I’ve experienced any specific or intense traumatic events but I do feel like I might have trauma. I particularly struggle with religion and idk how much of it is ocd and how much might be trauma or if they overlap? Maybe I’m just overeacting? I’ve been raised Christian (and I’m still really young ) I have an amazing supportive family and amazing friends and I feel like my life is perfect and I’m just complaining and everyone has it worse and that I’m invalidating their experiences!? But also my life is not perfect and my family IS a mess. I think I have body dysmorphia but maybe I’m just ugly and I sometimes wonder if I have Bpd but I’m too young to get diagnosed. How I see myself and how I feel changes so regularly and it’s really distressing! I constantly feel guilty for sinning and feel like I don’t deserve anything good. I constantly label everything I do as good or bad and whether I deserve love because of those things. (Particularly sexual thoughts and desires make me feel impure and disgusting) (I keep thinking sex=bad but idk if that’s true and idk who to talk to cos it’s embarrassing and my family is Christian) I feel a huge sense of relief when I think about not being Christian but then I feel guilty for feeling relieved. Idk how much of that could be ocd and how much could be some complex trauma? But I’m pretty sure I don’t believe Christianity but that I SHOULD believe but then that I’d be doing that for selfish reasons! I don’t want anyone to know how disgusting and sinful I am but I feel like I’m being manipulative if I don’t tell everyone everything and give them enough information to make their own decisions. I just want to stop existing because the constant spiralling and back and forth of my thoughts is just too much. The thing is that I would understand and care about anyone else going through similar things but I cannot bring myself to feel compassionate for myself because I must be perfect. I also recently watched Ginny and Georgia and triggered my body and eating issues and sh thoughts😭 I feel so weak all the time and I keep seeking some kind of validation or reason for my pain. I feel like I’ve left out too much and I’m just seeking reassurance here but that any reassurance I get will be fake or I’ll make heaps of people mad or something 😭😭😭 I feel so stuck right now I feel like people should hate me but I don’t want them to.

julia204

Date posted: 12w

CPTSD & OCD

Anyone else here with complex trauma and ocd? How did u find they correlate with each other? Possibly the trauma causing ocd? Have you found any mind blowingly obvious connections? Healing your trauma helps with ocd symptoms? I recently found out I have cptsd and have been abused by my family growing up physically and verbally. Btw still living with them and my ocd gets significantly worse or better sometimes.I have so many questions.❤️‍🩹

PureOIsHellO...

Date posted: 4w

Back in the spiral

I'm going to preface this with: I just wanna vent a bit. Maybe show you a piece of my and many others' experiences. I just need feedback, not even reassurance. This is what some of if not most of my days look like. I keep asking if it's just OCD. I've been stuck researching and ruminating, anxious, trying to figure out whether I'm having OCD or going into the territory of sexual deviation. My thoughts involve multiple taboos and also fears of sexual abuse. I just can't tell sometimes, and I'm scared. I keep asking myself whether OCD hasn't changed my morals, why I'm desensitized to the unthinkable, and I feel like I am beyond repair. I've read about everything from arousal nonconcordance, to groinals, to even false attraction - and I'm not sure if it isn't just all cope to deny a real problem. Did I get desensitized when it came to Harm OCD too? Sure. Was I panicking? You bet I was. But it once again feels like OCD has gathered enough evidence to make me anxious again. It all feels too real, like too much. I've been anxious for the past few hours just stuck. Pure O is a living hell - if it still is Pure O. I keep looking into my past, asking myself "Does this increase the risk of me being a pervert?" "I've heard childhood trauma can lead to paraphilia - what if that's happening?" "I was exposed to NSFW at a young age - oh my god, what if I end up being a r*pist?". I question every decision I've made, my reactions and behavior, I look for symptoms to confirm or deny whether I am a sociopathic deviant. I avoid certain situations because I fear getting the intrusive thoughts, experiencing attraction or straight up finding out I'm someone I don't want to be (even though all of that sounds absolutely insane and irrational). Whenever I see a trigger, I immediately start checking if I'm feeling something. I can't even look in the general direction of it because I'm afraid I will feel something. I tend to physically avoid triggers. Sometimes I feel like people around me can sense my OCD and look at me because of it, then stay away from me from sheer disgust. Sometimes I'm afraid of even my own imagination - it's very vivid and detailed which would be a great thing.. if I didn't have OCD to use it against me by giving me mental images of the most disgusting and abhorrent scenes imaginable. I'm afraid of doing art because I feel like I'll lose control and draw something deeply disturbing, or somehow uncover some hidden truth about me in the process. It really sucks. I can't be the only one in this, right?? I can't be the first person on planet earth to have gone through this exact torment? You guys, I just need advice / support. Please, to anyone who's gone through something similar, feel free to share your experiences. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, seriously.

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Complex Trauma and Pure OCD

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