Bf won’t have sex with me

Hey guys, I was hoping to get some guidance on what to do in this frustrating situation: My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me and refuses all advances because of my OCD (flashbacks and intrusive thoughts sometimes lead me to dissociate or panic). I’ve only now started to get help so I’m new to NOCD, but my boyfriend thinks it’s best to completely cut off sex until I get better. He’s an angel for wanting to put me first and having self control, but I have been frustrated with this because I desire to have sex even if I have to practice my exposures. My therapist is unsure at the moment as well and is asking a trauma therapist what to do about this situation, but I was wondering if anyone can give me some advice. I want to convince him that it’s okay to have sex with OCD and even if I panic I’m confident I can push through it and get better with practice. I’ve never felt more unwanted and rejected. I know he’s doing this for me, but it seems like he’s completely uninterested now and I’m starting to think he doesn’t want to deal with me panicking because he already has so much else going on in his life. He makes me feel like having sex with him would make his day worse because he’d have to “take care” of me. I’ve expressed this to him (we have a super healthy communication dynamic), but he says we should just keep waiting. PLEASE give any advice possible for this situation!! I can’t even do things on my own because I start thinking about how rejected I feel by him. Thanks in advance!

mhassan0117

Date posted: 14h

He’s afraid of triggering you! Talk to him about it! With me it’s the opposite it’s killed my libido, mostly. I’ve tried and it’s too weird for me. And I just can’t get into it. I’ll laugh cry or pretend, and not about that.

allmythoughts

Date posted: 14h

@mhassan0117 Thanks for responding! Yeah he definitely is worried, but I don’t know how long we should wait. I still get aroused and want him, but he pushes me away. Even though he knows I’m bothered by it, he insists we wait. I don’t know how long it’s going to take with ERP and that’s why it’s upsetting and driving me crazy.

mhassan0117

Date posted: 14h

@allmythoughts It could take a while for erp and relationships do matter too so if you’re into him and it’s hard to focus I would be more insistent? I don’t want to cross the line and give bad advice but I feel for you because I know sexless relationships take a toll too! It matters a lot :(

mhassan0117

Date posted: 14h

@mhassan0117 Are you taking meds for it?

allmythoughts

Date posted: 14h

@mhassan0117 Currently stopping and withdrawing from Effexor :( my psych wants to put me on Prozac after being diagnosed with OCD! I also have lorazepam and hydroxyzine prescribed for panic attacks and anxiety.

mindfullymaddie

Date posted: 14h

Hiya! it sounds like your partners playing it safe. it sounds like youre fully aware that you may still panic if you have intercourse with your partner, if you want to try regardless its worth communicating. id sit them down and say hi im ready to try when you are, these are the steps to take if you dont want me to panic (such as asking whether youre okay during etc) and if i do panic these are the steps i want you to take (stop, perform aftercare, cuddle, give me space etc etc). if hes not willing to have to take care of you if that does happen then i promise you now he is not the one.

allmythoughts

Date posted: 14h

@mindfullymaddie Thanks so much! This is helpful. He definitely doesn’t mean to make me feel that way but I don’t know how else to tell him I will be okay even if I panic.

R🌷.

Date posted: 14h

It sounds like you and your boyfriend both care a lot about each other, which is amazing. 💙 I get why he’s being cautious, but avoiding intimacy completely might actually make OCD stronger. If you feel ready, you can explain to him that intimacy could also be part of your exposure practice — it doesn’t have to be “perfect” or free of anxiety. Maybe you could agree to start small: cuddling, kissing, or just being close without pressure. Then slowly increase as you feel safer. This way he knows he’s not “hurting you,” and you get the chance to face the fears step by step. Most importantly, remind yourself: his hesitation isn’t rejection, it’s worry. And your desire to keep intimacy alive is valid too. With communication and gradual exposure, you’ll find a balance.

allmythoughts

Date posted: 14h

@R🌷. This reply has me in tears! Thanks SO much, I will tell him. He really is my angel 🩷

polish_germa...

Date posted: 22w

Can OCD make you question whether you’ve ever truly felt sexual desire?

I’m struggling with something I’m afraid to even admit out loud. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone I love deeply. He’s kind, safe, and emotionally close to me — and we’ve built a life together. But I keep obsessing over the fact that I don’t feel much sexual attraction anymore. Or maybe… I never truly did? At the beginning, I felt butterflies, excitement, connection — and I assumed that meant I was also attracted to him physically. But now, after reading so much and reflecting more deeply, I’m starting to wonder if I ever truly felt sexual desire in the way I was “supposed to.” Maybe my feelings were more about emotional longing, comfort, and romantic closeness — but not sexual chemistry. And now I don’t know what that means. OCD makes it so much worse. It constantly tells me: – “If you really loved him, you’d want him.” – “You’re leading him on.” – “What if you’re lying to yourself?” – “If you try to fix this and fail, you’ll have to leave.” I feel stuck between wanting to fight for this relationship — and being terrified that trying will just prove it’s hopeless. Has anyone experienced something like this? Can OCD really make you question something so deeply personal? And how do you move forward when even trying feels terrifying? Any thoughts or support would mean the world right now.

Jpais28

Date posted: 16w

ROCD advice help for supporting partner

I am at a very difficult spot in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, and I have a history of cheating that for years we’ve been trying to work through. To me, it makes a lot of sense that my OCD has attached itself to this and for the last few years I’ve experienced intrusive sexual thoughts of others and relationship ocd. I have been open to him about the content of my thoughts and now, with a proper diagnosis of an anxiety disorder, I am able to reframe them and work through them with ERP so that my brain will *hopefully* get bored and stop sending them. But, things have not been easy. As a result of this and everything in our past, he has become anxious about all the scenarios where I could be having sexualized thoughts about other people. To him, if I am thinking something utterly different than what I am telling him or acting like to him, he can’t fully trust it. And of course, I can imagine how difficult it is to know your life partner is sexualizing others in her brain and to be able find a way to dismiss them as unthreatening, especially when past mistakes say otherwise. Is there anyone that has gone through this with a partner? And other than repeatedly explaining the egodystonic nature of my thoughts and providing reassurance, what are some things you did that helped them? Any advice helps! Thank you

sjwmzn2023

Date posted: 22d

OCD about having OCD??

Last night my boyfriend and I were intimate, like most times that I’ve ever been intimate I couldn’t stay in the moment, thoughts racing through my mind causing me to be in my head rather than in the moment. EVENTUALLY, I was able to really be present and enjoy our time together, but it was once again fleeting. Afterwards I broke down and was crying, I had realized that OCD has ruined my intimate life from the very start. Of course my boyfriend was concerned so I opened up about what I was feeling. Well he started to explain that everyone gets distracted during sex and that it’s normal, so then I started thinking. What if I don’t even have OCD? What if I’m completely normal and just think I have OCD, I don’t have “episodes” 24/7, but I have them quite often. But maybe that’s just how the mind works?? My boyfriend said “you can’t control your thoughts, no one can” So does that mean I don’t have OCD? I’m spiraling and trying to understand it all. While we were intimate I had a realization that sex isn’t about what you’re thinking it’s about what you’re feeling, but I can’t stop thinking to actually be able to feel. Once I’m “distracted” I can’t get back into the moment, the thoughts pile and evolve and cycle and it’s never ending. I just don’t know, I know OCD can make you question if you even have OCD but what if I don’t have OCD and am just trying to convince myself I have OCD? HELP

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Bf won’t have sex with me

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